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My son just turned 5 in September. He is a very sweet and shy boy. He has never been in a daycare or preschool setting and only ever been either one on one with me or a sitter. I was really worried about his social development and I knew he was extremely bright so I had him test into kindergarten since he only missed the cutoff by 20 days. His test scores did surprise me a little but I didn't think it was a big deal.

Well after a few days of K (he started 7days late) the teacher had some concerns because he was withdrawn. I was shocked he was having issues and she seemed to want him out after only 3 days. She said she could tell he hadn't been to preschool. After discussing it with a friend she said that his test scores indicated that he was gifted and so I began looking into that. He is really only moderately gifted according to the internet but the psychologist did recommend he get assistance in a gifted program (of course I have no money for that). The more I read about gifted kids the more clear mine came into focus. He is so sensitive and emotional. He isn't bad just very sensitive and only likes getting his way or his feelings get hurt. I thought he was just a brat so I was getting tougher on him because I felt that was ridiculous behavior.

Well after four more days of K they asked him to leave because he wasn't engaging and cried when he didn't get his way. By this time I compiled some information about gifted children but they didn't want to hear it at all. I was told he would mature by next year. Then the principal had the nerve to say that with his intelligence level she would have expected him to be reading already and her kids were reading at 4th grade level before kindergarten.

Honestly, perhaps I am behind the times but I, up to that point, hadn't ever tried to teach him to read. I am busy running a home business so he just quietly entertains himself all day. They said he wasn't writing his name as well as the other kids (it looked fine for 5) when really I was surprised he could write his name at all.

Now I have been working on flash cards with him so he will know all his letters and sounds before he goes next year and he knows 20/26 but its a chore to get him to work. Some days he spouts off all 26 other days he just refuses to participate and shrugs his shoulders like he has no clue what he is looking at. All he does is cry and say I just want to go play. According to the psychologist his "cognitive abilities are significantly advanced for his age" but he doesn't want to work!

I am really new to this gifted thing and I need advice on how to side step this emotionality its driving me nuts!!!! I feel like I'm trying to do what a specialist should be doing and I suck at it. I also have other things to tend to so I cant spend my whole day babying him. At least I have the reassurance that he will be the same next year but if I don't learn to deal with it all his teachers are going to label him as difficult.

Just need support thanks and sorry such a long post I felt the background was necessary to understand my situation.

My advice to you is that if you intend to do this as a DIY project (and it sounds as if you do), then you need to carefully evaluate your child's strengths and weaknesses as objectively as you can-- which you've done pretty well already.

Secondly, ask yourself if there are "problems" there that you can do anything about with changes/behavioral modification, and learn about how to make some of those changes.

I'd (at least for yourself) set clear goals. How much of this you share with your DS is dependent upon his personality and maturity. For some kids, it helps to know that changes in parenting are related to our desire to HELP them in some way.

Does he see any of this as a problem? Or is there any chance that he could be behaving in this way because it produces rewards for him personally? You should consider what he's getting out of the behavior that makes him continue doing it.

It's possible that he's being manipulative (though not necessarily 'deliberate/cold' about it). For some useful tips on managing and defusing that kind of behavior in children, The Manipulative Child is a really good tool-- it focuses on removing the REWARDS for the behavior by changing parental responses to it.

If you feel that emotional intensity is the problem (rather than lack of maturity-- which IS a possibility you should consider, since it sounds as though he's been somewhat sheltered socially and may simply not have had much opportunity to develop that particular set of social skills if the adults in his life have been catering to him), then it would be a good idea to begin to hand over some control to HIM. That is, figure out some ways that he can self-sooth/talk himself down when he's overstimulated. Then let him practice those things regularly, and resist the urge to intervene too quickly.


If your gut tells you that neither of those things "fits" perfectly, then there may be more going on than is within the scope of a parent to handle. Was this a public kindergarten? If so, then there is something fishy about asking a child to LEAVE after less than two weeks.

Either there is something they aren't telling you, or they are probably not somewhere that you wanted your child to start with. Come to think of it, that might be true for a private kindergarten, too.

I agree with you that it could be a reward issue. He wants to go do something else when we are learning so then when he cries or is difficult I don't continue because it is difficult for me. I also agree he hasn't socialized enough which is precisely why I wanted him in school so he could see that is is not always going to get his way. I don't WANT it to be a DIY thing I just feel I have no choice until they let him in next year. Yes it was a public school. I saw all his work he was writing, sorting, learning the letter of the week even though he only was there 8 days total. They had their mind made up after the third day and I forced them to give him more time but the teacher wouldn't meet with me with out the principal and thats when they dropped the bomb no options. And yes it was a public school. One of the highest rated in my area and right by the house. I was shocked they wouldn't let him try another class I really felt the teacher just didn't like his shyness and whinyness. Thank you for the response

Wow, you're in a tough spot. Maybe he just needs more maturity before starting Kindergarten? Could you put him in a half-day program for this year and then re-evaluate? Or, even a mothers-day-out program so he gets some social exposure and you get some time to yourself?

I think if you try to push him to be ready then you'll both end up being miserable. Sounds like he's just not interested, yet, and that's okay, too. Someone once told me, after I asked rhetorically "what do I do with this child?", "Just love him". I thought that was pretty great advice and sometimes forget it in the everyday battles and stress we create.

I know that's not much advice; I hope you get some help here.

Honestly, I would focus on "preparing" him for k next year with experiences rather than flash cards. It doesn't sound like he enjoys them anyways and learning should be fun not a chore, especially at this age. I would say try some classes, outings, etc. to create learning opportunities that are also social experiences. There is often alot you can do at pretty low cost. Parks are great for collecting nature specimens and learning about them. The zoo of course is always a great option, museums, etc. Follow his interests. Teach him to love learning. That will take him much farther than early entrance to kinder would, imo.

doesn't sound to me like he's ready for K yet. I'd just let him enjoy another year at home and see if you can get him into a preschool or other group activity couple times a week. I would only put my child in K early if he really REALLY wanted to go to school and enjoy it there. Otherwise there's plenty of time to go next year.

Plus, the teacher knowing your son was admitted early probably expected him to know things like the whole alphabet (upper and lower case) and other basics since from what I understand, the kids that are admitted early are usually those who are way ahead (reading, doing math operations, etc.) ... they are usually entering K being on the 1st or 2nd grade level or even higher.

So, I'd just let him have fun, forget the flashcards, play games with him, or in my opinion even the right tv show will teach him more and will be more fun than flashcards. And give him a chance to be more emotionally ready for next year.

From what you've written, your child has essentially been a shut-in. You need to give him the ability to socialize, not so much time with flash cards. I see this as an emergency situation. No child should get to age 5 spending all his time with a parent or caretaker. Academics will come-- address his social needs and overall happiness first.

ETA: I realize that you were trying to finally address the need for socialization through early entry to K, but the problem is that you let him languish for far too long, with predictable results. Just as you wouldn't expect a puppy to entertain itself all day with a ball inside a cage while you work on your business, your son has real needs that you have not met up to this point, and that has to change.

What's done is done, and you have to just do your best to remedy the harm caused as well as you can. Immediately get him into as many interactive situations with other people outside the home as much as you can. He may be extremely unsure of himself in any social setting you find for him, and you will have to be creative now in finding ways to help him deal with that. This may take some work, but it's necessary to undo what's gone before.

does your public school district have any early childhood preschool classes? If it does, it could be a good place for socializing and slowly easing in into the school routine.

This... especially since not only was all his time with a parent or caretaker, but too little of that time was interactive. Children can still learn valuable social skills without play dates if they're frequently interacting with multiple adults who actively engage with them at the proper level, model successful behaviors, etc. Children who play by themselves all day learn nothing to help them socially.

The school has obviously picked up on the fact that he's completely unprepared to deal with K on a social level, and disqualified him for early entry based on that lack of "maturity." Another year won't make any difference if he's not practicing the requisite skills during that year.