Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy What "That Parent" looks like

Understood-- though in one of the top 20 largest districts in the nation, that shouldn't be so much of an issue. And from a simply financial perspective, I undertsand why they do things the way they do. Simply put, a tiered program, or one with a raised bar, would cause them problems. They couldn't use it as a Good Mommy Reward for the largely-affluent, PTA-supporting families; not to mention that it would create more work and more accountability. And for what? The gifted program as it is already fills magnet programs which skew the standardized test statistics the way the board needs them to be skewed. Not to mention that that top group tends to be higher maintenance than those kids who are brighter-than-average-but-test-well. From a purely crass and political POV, there's much to be lost and little to be gained in trying to better meet the needs of exceptionally and profoundly gifted kids. It's simply more expedient to throw them under the bus.

I completely understand why they do it. I don't much like it, but I get it.

When I read the article it brought me back to HS 1980 and an SAT score of 990, I took the test a 2nd time and scored 970, so much for the SAT. I was middle of my class 63 of 121 with a 2.61 GPA. I only remember this because I recently found my HS transcript. The funny thing is everybody thought of me as smart, I thought of me as smart (still do sometimes). It was unfortunate that the lady in the article identified herself by the score, and or the label. Maybe because of my age or life experiences I have learned that I choose my own labels, not a score on a test. It’s my choices that define me, not the labels others give me. It’s unfortunate that societal labels such as gifted carry with them so much emotional content. How easy it is for us to say my child is not the best athlete, or even athletically gifted. But when it comes to IQ (By whatever means you test) it is much more important. Most studies show it is the better emotionally we are able to deal with adversity, and the better work ethic we have the better off we tend to be. Many based upon poor anecdotal experiences believe that gifted means successful, and by that not gifted means failure. In looking back at my history, any failures I have had are usually due to lack of effort, lack of desire, fear, or bad choices. I have never been held back because of IQ. Yes if you are smart, (a quick learner) there are some advantages, as well as costs. I do not condemn the lady in the article; it’s hard not to project our fears and perceived inadequacies on our children. DS10 at 6 was going to be a world champion chess player. I had it all worked out for him, until he decided he didn’t want to play anymore. He chose not to because of the effort needed to be great at chess was much more than the fun in just playing. Lucky for us I saw that chess was not his passion. He is now starting the Baritone Sax (Maybe a world class musician?) No this time, I let him pick the level of commitment. I have no college degree, and yes he will have one (No choice for him on this one), but he will be able to pick the school (I hope Cal Tech, my dream school) and pick his own major. We all live a little vicariously through our children, and we all hope they will do better than we did, and make better choices in their lives. I agree that there is a big difference between pushing for ourselves and pushing for them, but as the writer indicated our pasts are big influences on our choices for our children. The best we can do is recognizing it and adjust as best we can. (Note you can probably tell the verbal part of the SAT was my lowest). I only hope that as a parent, I can give my child a good foundation to build upon, to be a good person, with the strength and courage to overcome life’s adversities. I want him to identify himself as he chooses, not with the label of Gifted, HG, or PG.

I finally got around to reading the article last night (damn you, corporate firewalls!!!), and I do not share this interpretation. The problem that jumped out at me was how she was overly identified with her daughter, to the point where she was describing her with the royal "we." At the end of the article, she acknowledges that her daughter is a separate person with her own identity. It would seem that she saw the same problem I did.

You cannot force someone to go to college, and even if you could, you could not force him to study once he was there.

Force no, encourge strongly yes.

For thouse of you who say, you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink. If you hold his head down long enough he will drink. Just Kidding.

Bostonian, of course you cannot force someone to go to college or to study. But having an expectation of your child is a good thing. I expect good behavior, I expect politness, and I expect him to go to college and get a degree. These are not bad expectations. I as a parent must help my child set his expectations. Not having a standard of expectations would be bad. I fear to many parents (Myself included) do not set the standards of expections. Homework before video games, i.e. delayed gratification. Allowing failure is also a good thing, kind of like a disney movie I saw once. Why do we get knoked down, so we can learn to get back up. Just my 2 cents.

Sure. Expectations are grand. But see, the thing is, if you raise a child to be a strong, intelligent, independently thinking young man or woman, there's an inherent danger-- it may work. And strong, intelligent, independently-thinking young adults have this crazy habit of...oh, I dunno, let's call it "independent thinking". Wherein they are just as likely to decide not to go to the Ivy school, but instead join the military/take up residence in a commune/start a rock band/embrace the life of a cloistered nun/become a welder or textile artist.
Never mind how I know this.

I went to college because I was supposed to go to college.

I don't think I realized that I could have chosen something different because I was still (generally) executing the instructions from my parents, in part knowing how horrible I thought any form of adolescent rebellion was.

Of course, once my mother died and my father had a stroke, I was kind of left without instructions.

One problem with college is that it completely shatters your sense of self, destroys your self-confidence, and obliterates all of your social support.

I truly hated that period of my life.

Jonlaw, sorry to hear about your parents and your college experance.

Eldertree, As a parent I would be supportive, but probably I would show it after the choice not before. Just playing the numbers, and its hard to say where things will go in 6 to 10 years.

You're speaking too generally. Many people don't feel that way about college. I didn't. My husband didn't. My father, sister, and cousins didn't. Lots of my friends didn't. Etc.