Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Will discipline break a child's spirit?

It is a great book and offers good practical advice for the elementary age and up crowd. Unfortunately, our scenarios never seem to play out in the lovely ways described in the book.

Ok, a certain brand of moral. I'm a secular parent. I was thinking about raising moral kids. I am not raising Bible believing children. I'm also not consentual living natural parenting. I think that's the brand of hippy the post describes.

I wouldn't say anything to the mother specifically about how she should be raising her kids. Personally I think if every mother treated every baby like it was the baby Jesus the world would be a much kinder place. I might personally say snarky to the kid in front of the mother, if I was around them enough that knew to always expect that from me.

I think that's a common idea in a bunch of native american trads, too.

I worked for a guy with that worldview. He truly didn't understand why he shouldn't pay us in cash in the seediest area of town. He just didn't even think of *protecting* anything from humans.

Ok, some of the responses seemed to suggest that I am being judgemental of this parent's parenting style. I am, but simply to the extent that I have to deal with these children on a regular basis AND have had their mom comment to me many times about their behavior (she doesn't like it either, but doesn't want to break thier spirits). I would never tell her she is a bad mom or doing it "wrong". It's her family. Yes, I feel she is doing them a disservice, but that is my opinion and I am not her.

My real concern is that her children do not know how to interact in a polite manner with other people and that she can see this and doesn't seem to know what to do about it and not "break their spirits". I really appreciate the book suggestion and will find a way to get it into her hands.

We see these children multiple times a week and I babysit them every so often. The older child will behave at my house because when I was first watching her I was very clear that it was my house, not her home and that if she ever wanted to come back she would behave like a decent human being. I now rarely have trouble with her. The younger one hasn't had that talk with me yet. I know they are good kids, but it's SO hard for other people to see that because of the behavior.

I just saw this this morning and had to add it to this thread. I like to imagine that JonLaw was the man with the jam.

Wyldkat...

If she knows it's an issue and is not sure where to go, than I think you should speak up and help her see that expecting kids to get along and oz not going to damage them. You could remind her that they probably act very different at school where there are clear rules. I have a good friend whose kids are most likely naturally more sttong-willed than mine (and I see them every day st the bus stop). She was discussing how time-outs don't work tor her (though I can clearly see she gives LOTS of warnings with no follow through). Instead of challenging her consistency, I suggested the Transforming the Difficult Child workbook. She hasn't read it, and the kids are still a mess - but me suggesting the book didn't corrupt our friendship any.

Okay, honestly? I would be biting my tongue to avoid saying "honey, those spirits are just screaming to be broken, and the world will be a much happier place if you start now."

Okay, so probably that would be a bad idea...hence the tongue-biting. But seriously, I have known a few people who were perfectly lovely except that I couldn't stand their kids, and invariably, the friendship dies a pretty quick death. I am impressed as all-get-out that you ever made it to the point where you're willing to babysit them.

I'm very, very good at not having the slightest idea of what to do with my kids in public when they misbehave.

I salute the man with the jam!!! I just Facebook AND tweeted that.

There are so many insightful responses , but one thing I wanted to add, is that "spirit" itself comes in different strengths and therefore, one's approach to discipline needs to be adjusted to the child. For instance, I have one child who takes things to heart and it takes a fairly mild correction for her to change her behavior, whereas my other child (the one I post about on here) is very strong willed and high spirited and often requires a different approach.

At one point, I veered too much towards a heavy hand with her because of her intensity and argumentativeness, but now realize that it wasn't that I needed to use more force, but that I needed to use more finesse.

For me, there is no question that discipline is in service to the child. Self control and an ability to see oneself as a part of the world, not the entire world, not only helps her but makes her social life easier.

I also agree that the extremes of permissiveness and authoritarianism in parenting are not healthy,but I am sure there are times I error too far in both directions. I am far from a perfect parent and look back and wish I had done many things differently, but my underlying motive has always been love and the intention to create well balanced children, and somehow, in spite of myself, my children have turned out to be polite, creative, confident, self controlled, highly likable kids.