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Joined: May 2012
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[quote=Wyldkat] Now, if it boiled over into her kids creating unreasonable situations for your kids where she expected you to back up her parenting style, that is a different story. I totally agree with this. Unless this is the case, I think instead of spending time and energy ruminating on what a bad mother she is, I would concentrate on yourself and your children. You can always lead by example - it's more powerful than a lecture on how you think she is screwing up.
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In the example, I'm pretty sure Iwould NOTdo what the mom did, no matter how tired I was.... But
I often wonder if I'm breaking my children's spirits with dicscipline. Yesterday, after a bunch of discipline issues I thought were indepe dant of one another, I found out that my kid, who desperately wants to learn how to fight, and has been asking about it for over a year (and he's only 3), was nervous because he had his first karate class and didn't want to blow it.
I should have been hearing his real concerns *all freqking day* I think most of us have been there at some time or another. I've been guilty of being too heavy handed with discipline when I should have realized my kids were tired or hungry. I think the right amount and type of discipline is essential. Without it, our kids aren't prepared for the real world.
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I really don't have the slightest idea of what to do with kids.
Then again, I have no real skill with adequately coping with the real world so I don't really have any idea what I'm supposed to do with kids.
Fortunately, I have a wife who stays home with the kids, so hopefully she knows what she's doing.
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Joined: Mar 2010
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As a younger sib, you really get the shaft. My disorganized sister regularly rifled my school supplies. OK, you could say they weren't mine, but it was a notebook I took to school everyday that I could find it! Over and over, I'd go to bed (little kids have early bedtimes), only to find my homework/schoolbooks/ school projects rifled for older sibs needs.
I probably was too vague in my response. My kids would be in HUGE trouble if they took their siblings school supplies, or borrowed a bike that was needed to get to work! And if one of my dds (22 and 19) bought a car, I'd definitely expect that the other one would not borrow it without some express permission. I tried to differentiate between toys (the legos, or train set, or basketballs) which are pretty much shared, and clothes, for example, or make-up. Part of it also is that I set the rules for ds12 and ds10, but I don't set the rules for the older kids (beyond basic household/roommate expectations when they're here). Absolutely!!! - if a teen buys clothes or a bike or whatever (or gets them as a gift)- a sibling shouldn't be allowed to just take them. What I'm saying is when we have a playroom full of toys, most of which neither boy can remember who "owns," (again, they share a bedroom, a playroom, a desk and a Wii :)), it's silly to be arguing about a ball that one kid wasn't using but thinks is his.
Our oldest dd is very disorganized and I've made it 100% clear in the past that she can't "borrow" someone's keys because she's lost hers, or grab someone's graphing calculator because hers in in her messy room somewhere, or take her sister's curling iron to a sleepover because she didn't replace her broken one.
To me, the original post wasn't about sharing actually, it was about just being a nice person. Letting your sibling take your favorite sweater, that you planned to wear, because she didn't do any laundry- that's letting yourself get walked over (and parents should help the kid learn to stand up for herself). Not letting your sibling use a ball that won't in any way be "lessened" or used up when you're not doing anything with it is just being a little jerk (maybe not if you're five, but that's why parents step in and teach them that this is not nice behavior).
Anyway, everyone has different lines, and I'm sure we're all influenced by how we grew up, but I want my kids to learn to be kind and generous without being taken advantage of. There is a middle ground I think....
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Joined: Jun 2012
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I really don't have the slightest idea of what to do with kids.
Then again, I have no real skill with adequately coping with the real world so I don't really have any idea what I'm supposed to do with kids.
Fortunately, I have a wife who stays home with the kids, so hopefully she knows what she's doing. Kids are devious little monkeys who outsmart us all ;p I'm one of the stay at home moms who is supposed to know what she's doing, lol. (sigh)
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Letting your sibling take your favorite sweater, that you planned to wear, because she didn't do any laundry- that's letting yourself get walked over (and parents should help the kid learn to stand up for herself). The problem is things like this interferes with the moral idea that you *should* give what you have to someone else if they ask you regardless of how you feel about it.
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This is great book on these very issues - how to discilipline and deal with sibiling rivalry without breaking the children's spirits. I think it's a great book for someone like the person described in the original post - someone who clearly wants to solve sibiling disputes with both children feeling loved and respected: http://www.amazon.com/dp/0380799006...=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=e&ref=pd_sl_5u4wvukiua_eYou could suggest that book or give it as a gift. I got it as a gift from a friend when my second child was born and I was very grateful for it. It's a really good book with lots of practical advice.
Last edited by marytheres; 10/04/12 08:24 AM.
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The problem is things like this interferes with the moral idea that you *should* give what you have to someone else if they ask you regardless of how you feel about it. Jon Law, where on earth did you hear that idea? [citation needed] I don't think martyrdom is very moralistic. Maybe I've just never met a martyr who was doing it right. Excercise empathy to guide your decisions. Cultivate a sense of community responsibility. Surely that's obvious. Certainly it's a work in progress.
Youth lives by personality, age lives by calculation. -- Aristotle on a calendar
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Joined: Feb 2012
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This is great book on these very issues - how to discilipline and deal with sibiling rivalry without breaking the children's spirits. I think it's a great book for someone like the person described in the original post - someone who clearly wants to solve sibiling disputes with both children feeling loved and respected: http://www.amazon.com/dp/0380799006...=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=e&ref=pd_sl_5u4wvukiua_eYou could suggest that book or give it as a gift. I got it as a gift from a friend when my second child was born and I was very grateful for it. It's a really good book with lots of practical advice. Siblings Without Rivalry is a wonderful book and I use its teachings every day. I think it is aimed a slightly older kids, but it works even with young ones as long as you provide enough support. I think that it would encourage you to get the kids to work this out without you having to be in the middle setting rules. That would mean prompting them to talk to each other about who the ball belongs to, who is using it, whether it will still be available after the older child is done playing with it, if there is a "favor" they could trade for it, etc. If everyone stays calm but they can't find a solution, then the ball gets a time out and no one plays with it. If anyone freaks out and starts hitting, they and the ball get a time out.
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Jon Law, where on earth did you hear that idea? [citation needed]
I don't think martyrdom is very moralistic. Maybe I've just never met a martyr who was doing it right. Excercise empathy to guide your decisions. Cultivate a sense of community responsibility. Surely that's obvious. Certainly it's a work in progress. Ah, there we go. Luke 6:30 "30 Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back." Found it. http://www.biblestudytools.com/luke/passage.aspx?q=luke+6:30-38 I'm not saying this is intelligent or useful, just pointing it out.
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