Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school Discussing death with a 3-year-old?

My 3.5 year old son has become quite interested in death lately. It began with me talking about my grandparents in the past tense. He asked, "Did they die?" And then proceeded to barrage me with a series of other difficult questions such as, "How did they die?" "Will we die?" "What is death like?" "I don't want to die." Then a few days later, "Do people come back to life when they die?" "What happens when they die?" Etc. He also counted from my age up to 100 to determine how many years I have left before I die (one of my grandparents lived to be 100, so I think this is the magic number).

I've tried to answer him honestly but minimally, if that makes sense. We're not religious but I've told him about different beliefs (as in heaven, reincarnation, or simply that death is final and nothing happens). My question is: does anyone have any advice on how to navigate this with a young child? So far, he's only gotten a little upset about it all. I should also mention that we have a 14-year-old dog who may meet her end soon (*sniff*). I suppose I want to prepare him for this as best as I can. He's a very sensitive and empathetic boy.

Oh, how I've been there done that. My oldest was 2 when she started asking questions about her grandfather who had died. Shortly after, her great grandfather was killed in a motor vehicle accident and two months later, just days before 9/11, another great grandfather died. Then, she was watching TV as the events in NYC unfolded. Then, the questions began: "Will we die at the same time?" "Will my name be on my coffin." "How do they close the coffin?" "If you don't know, Mommy, can we ask the man who works at the funeral home?"

I hate to tell you, but her obsession continued for well over a year. We talked, read books, etc. Then, one day, my pediatrician recommended Leo Bascaglia's The Fall of Freddie the Leaf, and for some reason, it resonated with her and the intense questions stopped. While this book is classified as "spiritual", it is not overtly Christian but deals with the life cycle. I highly recommend it to any family with young children dealing with death and dying issues. Good luck.

It lasted a long time for us, too. We lost a son when ds was 3.5. We talked and talked and talked about death : bodies, cremation, embalming, graves, heaven, God, causes of death, near-death experiences, average lifespans. We were honest with him when we didn't know. We have a belief in heaven, but still had more "we don't knows" than certainties. Mostly ds wanted to know that he was safe, and we told him we would do everything in our power to keep him safe and healthy (as with ourselves). I agree that there are many wonderful books for kids on death and dying. Kids sometimes force us to look where we would rather not. But that isn't all terrible.

Ours happened at age 3.5 too.

My father died suddenly. He said good-bye to DD in the typical way he did each week but then never came back - he collapsed on a subway platform a couple of days later. DD was d-e-v-a-s-t-a-t-e-d. No one could tell me what to do for her because nothing about her response was typical for her age. She *got* the whole thing and understood the permanence in a way no one who encountered her had ever seen in a child her age. It was awful. And then 6 weeks later, as we were beginning to see some small signs of improvement, his dog - who DD considered one of her own pets - was hit by a car and killed while we were away on vacation. That was it - all the emotion went away and she just shut down. It was clearly too much for her to deal with.

We enrolled her in a grieving children's program even though they thought she might be too young. Her super high comprehension and verbal skills made this "talking about it" type of program really good for her. She talked about grandpa and Whiskey there. She brought pictures of them and told stories about what they did together and was able to express how much she missed them. They read books about death and it was all discussed very concretely. No heaven, reincarnation, etc. It was very factual - when people die they stop breathing. They live on in your memory but their bodies are no longer here with us. It is ok to miss them. It is ok to be sad. It is ok to be happy when you remember them. Near the end of the program they took the kids to a funeral home so that the ones who wanted to see the technical aspects of what happens when you die had the opportunity to. We did not bring DD on that trip but I heard from other parents that it was done very well and it was the key to helping some of the kids get a better handle on the whole situation.

More than 4 years later DD is still very affected by these deaths. She has lost a house full of pets in the intervening years (DH and I were married 17 years when DD was born so we had a bunch of spoiled rotten, elderly pets who have all since passed...) but none of them affected her the same way. Each one was awful to lose but more for us than for her. None of them died suddenly and she was able to see the deterioration happen as their ends approached. She is 7.5 now and still uses "I miss grandpa" as her go to when she feels really sad or overwhelmed. I think the suddenness of his death and her age combined with her gifted intellect to create a perfect storm.

I don't know if any of this will help since your son is asking more theoretically than in response to losing someone he loves. Maybe speaking concretely about the elderly dog - while it may be difficult for you - could help him to understand better. DD helped take care of our dying cat the last month or so of his life and that helped a lot. She and DH also held a funeral for a dead squirrel that they found in the backyard, Over the next few months she kept sneaking over to the burial site, though, and digging it up. I don't know - maybe that was her way of answering your DS's question of "what happens when they die". HTH

"dead" was a first word for DS. He asked about a whole fish on ice at thegrocery store when He was 9mos old.

Now we get stuff like "I want them to keep killing animals because I'm an omnivour... "

I get reallyuncomfortable about his questions lately around war and violence. I try to be honest. Recently, we startd him in martial arts, and I found I had a hard time saying it was a "fighting" class, but that's what he'd ben asking for, and it was a tease not to say it really frankly. Eventually I had to say "this is a class where you learn to fight, but they will also teach you about when and how to fit and why you shouldn't get in real fights, but only play the fighting games.". (it turned out I also had to find out when he'd be old enough to play war games, with multiple fighters per side. Oy)

Anyway, I think kids ask about these things for really different reasons. Mine seems to really be interested in human violence from what I can only describe as an anthropological perspective. Hs interest in death in general seems also to be anthropologocal -- he wants to know mainly about foodways and human intervention in animal lifecycles. He is deeply interested in how I feel about my father's death before he was born. He wouldn't ask about heaven if I spent a week talking around it (i know 'cause Idid). He's not interested in funerary customs (yet -- he paid a lot of attention to some stuff I said about my academic work recently, but didn't get as far as asking), and I suspect when that comes up he's going to want a compairative approach!

Anyway the best way to talk about this stuff is probablyreally dependant on the reason the kid is interested... For mine, it's not charged at all, but wobbling on answeres is really frustrating for him. You've gotta just ADRESS the queston, clearnly and dispasnately.

So...I'd work at figuring out why yours is interested inas much detil as possible before picking a strategy.

Posting precipitously, cause he's HERE!

Oh, these stories make me terribly sad. I'm so sorry for your losses, and I'm very sorry that your children suffered. I thank you for sharing your children's experiences with me. This is very helpful. Pemberley, I think you are correct: perhaps watching our dog slowly deteriorate will help him prepare for her death, particularly if we talk a lot about it. He has already seen quite a few dead and dismembered birds due to our bird feeder and a particularly efficient predatory cat. However, I'm not sure that he understood the finality of death in the past. While we were visiting my parents over the summer, he also discovered a memorial stone for a boy that passed away. Because he can read, he figured this out on his own and referred to the stone as the "Dead Boy's Rock." He wanted to go see it most days. Thank you Revmom for your suggestion regarding Freddie the Fallen Leaf. I've ordered the book and it should arrive soon. I'll also check the library since, as Evemomma suggested, there must be a lot of books on this issue. This will also help, I'm sure. As you all say, honesty is likely the best policy. Finding out what drives his interest (as Michaela suggested) is also wise. Thanks again to all of you.