Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Sensitivity to criticism

My ds10 got lectured about his mediocre performance and for not working at his full potential. And it was his athletic performance this time, not his academic. It does not matter, as his reaction to it was predictable. He cries and tells me that his performance will never be good enough for his coaches that they do not care about him at all and that they always point out the bad not the good. He always does this, when somebody catches him not working hard enough. He is so used to just getting by, doing well and better than his peers thanks to his natural academic and athletic abilities. How do I teach him to accept the criticism and even more importantantly how do I teach him good work habits?

With your ds, I wouldn't fall into the trap of the "everybody hates me". Instead, I would identify for him the underlying feeling "you sound frustrated" for example or "I wonder if that embarrassed you" (which he may adamently deny btw).

I am a perfectionists and a people-pleaser - so I always took criticism very personally. I literally had to LEARN to have fun when I'm losing or when I am terrible st something (bowling, golf) . Not sure if that is your ds' struggle, but my ds inherited my angst. We don't ctiticize after a game (since there's nothing he can change at that point), but we make a strategy before each game to address his pitfalls and meet new goals.

Maybe setting up a "score sheet " (if he's competitive) for him would be fun. Instead of keeping track of hits, runs, goals, assists, give him points for taking a coach's comments in stride, complimenting other player's achievements, calming town quickly when frustrated, finidhing out a hard task, etc. Then he can "buy" things with his points : Redbox movie/game rental, meal out with dad only, free pass got took cleaning, or whatever he's interested in.

He is a people-pleaser as well, so that is one of the reasons why he takes criticism hard. I like the goal setting idea and the "score sheet" approach. What frustrates me is that he does not have the internal motivation. All these different approaches that we try out are part of extrinsic motivation, but is there a way to promote development of internal motivation?

Sometimes intrinsic motivation doesn't mature until adulthood. I think it's pretty common even for college students to lack self motivatstion - precisely why both my dh and sister both nearly flunked out of college at 18 but when they each returned to school in their 20's were straight A students.

I wish there existed a magic "motivation "pill, btw. Sigh, one can dream.

I'll make you feel better. When a teacher chided my son in front of the 7th grade class for not getting an answer correct by saying something like, "I thought you were smart", my son chose to teach not only that teacher a lesson but all of his teachers. He methodically earned zeros on every assignment, quiz and test while still doing all the work. I didn't find out for weeks until he was failing every class,

It took years to get him to the point where he will embrace academics. He is now a sophomore in college and just beginning to try to do his best,

I think if it were my son, I'd answer his comment about never being good enough with, "maybe so. Who knows. But all that ever matters if we're good enough for ourselves, and sometimes that is hardest of all. What did you expect of yourself?" You may find he was either happy with his performance and mad the coach was too hard or that he was disappointed himself. But at least it will be some insight in going forward,

I'll make you feel better, too.

I spent college through law school basically operating somewhere between "just getting by" and "actively not caring whether I graduated or not."

This caused me to obtain $120,000 in debt and a career in which I have no actual interest in doing.

I'm still trying to find a way out of the hole I dug for myself.

So, you have time to try lots and lots of things before it really matters.

The key is to keep trying things and keep track of what doesn't work and then try something else.

My own experiences are not so different from the examples you provide. Lost a full scholarship at a great school, changed majors few times. So at one point the motivation came,I went from a community college to Research I, but the work ethic is still lagging. I am in a Ph.D. program right now and still struggling with giving my best. For some reason just thought I can make the life easier for my ds.
I like ABQMom's suggestion to have a conversation about self-expectations.

One direction to explore is Carol Dweck's Mindset concept: http://mindsetonline.com/

In essence the idea that ability and talent grows is much more powerful than the idea of having a fixed amount. If you continuously hear "intelligent, talented" you can begin to see these as unchangeable. Then criticism becomes "you are not as intelligent or talented as everyone tells you" instead of becoming "these are the things you can change and improve to continue to grow."

Interesting ideas. Read the article http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/ Will look more into it.

Wow...I enjoyed that article tremendously. I adore social psychology. It took me some time to logic past the initial study because I tend to believe it's an unconscious fear of letting adults down that impairs kids (especially perfectionists) rather than the idea of "not needing to prove" intelligence. Great fodder for my own parenting though. I can immediately see small changes I can make - especially with my ds who loves doing quizzes. Loves them until we give him a question he doesn't know...need to rethink how to change this so ds isn't trying to "prove" his smarts to us.