Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Frustrated - mostly a rant (long)

So. We have not had our IEP meeting yet, but the principal and I have been working informally off the info from the first meeting and things were progressing or so we both thought.

DGS7 asked to go to his calm down room, but after a short talk with the principal whom he likes and respects, he went back to his classroom and had a good afternoon Wednesday, after a rough start to the week.

Then we get to today. The only service our school can provide DGS at this point is counseling. His classroom teacher will only let him go during the only recess of the day, which is late in the afternoon. If there is no PE he doesn't get any "wiggle" time until 2 p.m. Today, for reasons he would not tell me, he had to take a five-minute timeout during recess. The coach doing recess left him there a lot more than five minutes and he wasn't allowed to go with the counselor. He had FIVE MINUTES counseling this entire week! He is supposed to have 30 minutes twice a week. Counselor was out on his other scheduled day.

The principal has spoken with the counselor and the teacher and they are supposed to have found another time for him to meet her. I know that will take time, but I feel like DGS was punished twice today, once in the timeout and the other by losing his counseling time. BTW, the counselor is the main reason he wants to remain in public school, and my main reason for keeping him there. When they have the time together, his anxiety level is really lowered and we don't have the meltdowns at home. Tonight's meltdown lasted more than an hour, even though my DH and I took extra time with him all evening.

He was so stressed out, he said he didn't want to go with his other GF who drove 10 hours down here for his birthday. He LOVES to go with him most of the the time, but not tonight. After rocking with him on my lap outside for 30 minutes, he was finally able to gain some control.

I am trying so hard not to give up on school, and thought we had reached an okay place, not perfect, but good enough place for the present, but days like this make me want to pull my hair out and pull him out of school.

Thanks for letting me rant. BTW, he is not going to school tomorrow. Mostly, because his out-of-town GF is here, but after the meltdown, I probably wouldn't send him anyway. Experience has shown us, painfully, that everyone would suffer, especially DGS.

leahchris

Oh leahchris how awful! {Big Hug} to both you and DGS. What a terrible turn of events!. It sounds like he earned his meltdown last night and keeping him home from school today sounds like the perfect move. I am so sorry this happened to him.

Is there any sort of IEP in place yet? If not how long until your meeting? This situation clearly will not work for your DGS and HAS to change. There is no way that your DGS should have to wait until 2 pm. That is ridiculous. Did you talk to the principal about what happened? I think s/he needs to be aware. Very aware. This tells you that when your IEP is drafted you want them to include a "pass" of some sort that your DGS can use when HE needs it - not when the teacher wants to allow him. He needs to have some sort of kinesthetic breaks built in daily so this can't happen again. Is there a reason he has to give up recess to receive his required counseling services? That sounds like a terrible idea to me. Recess is a built in break which he needs. He may enjoy counseling more than recess but he needs to have both, IMHO.

If you have a good relationship with this principal I would call today and discuss just what went wrong yesterday. I would not rely on the fact that other GF is in town as the reason you kept him home, Make sure the principal know that what went on yesterday was an unmitigated disaster and DGS can not go in today. This needs to be fixed - today - and you will try to send him back on Monday. If I recall correctly Tuesday will be your "service" day instead of school so he only needs to get through one day.

If it is not addressed I would be on the phone with the Dept of Ed in a heartbeat. If they do not agree to provide the kinesthetic breaks and keep recess separate from counseling when you draft the IEP refuse to sign it and insist on mediation. You need someone to knock some sense into them if they are not able to do this on their own.

Good luck leahchris and keep us posted. I hope he has a great day with his visiting GF and that everything turns around next week.

I am assuming GF is not girlfriend?

Your poor kiddo (and hugs to you). It is so tough trying to help our children navigate the chaotic world of school when things don't just roll off their back.

He's 7. They aren't learning differential equations yet, so a few days missed won't kill his GPA and chances at getting into the college of his coice, so let him take mental health days once in a while where he doesn't go at all or where he knows you're coming to sign him out for a special early lunch together. My little guy had a terrible match for a teacher in 3rd grade, and this is how I helped him cope with the intensity of pressure he was dealing with (a teacher who was going to "fix" him). We made deals, and he didn't break them - if you stay home today, you will need to go every day for the next week, etc.

He would stay home and play his video games on his GameBoy, build Legos and do what he wanted all day. If I had errands, he went with me. It helped him recharge his batteries, and the days he was at school went better.

Hang in there!

Just for future reference: once you get an IEP in place, if he is supposed to get (for example) 30 minutes of twice a week" then legally they are required to make up minutes missed. Insisting that they do tends to make them verrrrrrry reluctant to have him miss any.

That is wholly inappropriate. I think it would be reasonable to call the principal on the phone, ask when the IEP meeting can be scheduled, and talk through some key principles:
--your DS has to have access to recess; it helps him stay stable
--counseling should not come out of recess; it is routine at this age to pull kids out of academic activities, and let them make up the work. Principal must override classroom teacher on this point.
--counseling is necessary and should be occurring regularly, not taken away at random.

I've probably said it before-- if you can afford a professional advocate, or a free one from the state, it can help you get this done without pulling all your hair out.

Unlike some PPs, I don't advocate taking mental health days off school after a meltdown-- it can teach the child that if he melts down, he gets a free day off school. But the strategy of keeping him in that environment has to work in tandem with making school treat him reasonably.

I think you are going to need to bring outside help to bear in order to get a fair IEP in place.

DeeDee

I normally would agree with DeeDee about not rewarding his meltdown with a day off from school but in this case I think the school situation made it impossible for him NOT to meltdown. It sounds like he did an amazing job of holding it together as well as he did through the school day.

The district is required to provide a free and appropriate public education but it is clear that some folks in leahchris' school are not understanding that. If they create an environment that makes it impossible for DGS to attend then they will be faced with coming up with an alternate placement. This needs to be THEIR problem and not put on the shoulders of a 7 year old who already has a boat load of issues to deal with. Just as eldertree said once it is in an IEP it will be compulsory to provide the agreed upon level of service. Now is the time to start to put a bit of pressure on them so they know that leahchris knows DGS's rights and will require the district to treat him appropriately. In my opinion pairing the requests for the appropriate environment with him losing school time as a result of their improper level of services will put her in a strong position to argue later if it comes to mediation or due process.

In our case last year I moved heaven and earth to make sure that DD attended school each day, even though she was very frequently sent home early by the nurse. This year I told the school that I was not going to do that. It was up to them to create an environment that allows her to access her education. If the environment that they create in not appropriate and they trigger her anxiety they will simply have to provide her an education OOD. It will be more expensive. It will be more complicated. It will be more difficult. But it will be THEIR responsibility to provide the education nonetheless. It is amazing how much harder they are trying to make her environment appropriate since THEY are the ones facing the consequences...

ABQMom,
GF is grandfather (I'm not really good at this message board thing, LOL!)

Pemberley.
Our IEP meeting is hoepfully in two week. We are now waiting on the OT report and recommendations. With the attitude of the special services people at the school, we want to have all the input we can before the meeting. We don't see the developmental ped again until mid-November, but I don't want to wait that long for the IEP. The school psych is working hard to help, as is the principal. I just have to get everything solidified in the IEP to make certain I can force them to comply.

We haven't as many problems since we instigated our "Totally, Terrific, Tuesdays" where we do our therapies, but yesterday was a disaster. Also, he invited a kid he had trouble with at school to his birthday party last weekend, and since then they are friends again. They both thought the other didn't like them anymore. Social skills are hard enough when you're 7, add ASD to the mix and it is a real challenge.

Thanks for the encouragement and letting me know I am not crazy. I AM exhausted today from the meltdown, but DGS is having fun and relaxing and buying toys at Toys R Us today.

leahchris