Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy 2nd-grader miserable

Hi. I've gotten a lot of info from here but never felt I had anything to contribute. Now I would like some help.
My DD9 is in our district's gifted pull-out program; my DD7 won't test for it until January, but I will be very surprised if she doesn't score quite a bit higher than her sister did. DD7 is having a rough time with school. She was excited the first 2 days (Th/F), then the following Monday everything went downhill when they changed the end-day routine. She has always had problems with the end of the day; nothing negative has happenend, but she is afraid something will (like, I will leave without her if she takes too long to come out the door). Reassurances do little good, especially when there is no consistency in school.
The beginnings of K and 1st grades were better, but in K she would cry when asked to write (although she was above level in writing), and in 1st she would cry when something changed from the routine. We didn't find any of this out until P/T conferences; she showed no signs of distress outside of school. This year is starting out rougher and affecting her at home. There has been crying in the morning, outside the school, on the way out the door, and in bed at night. Last night she cried for 2 hours saying how much she hated school. She has a homeschooling plan worked out, and would rather be sick than go to school. She is reserved, introverted, and highly sensitive. (She was almost potty-trained at 18 months, then got so frightened by the noise from a public restroom toilet that she didn't actually get potty-trained until after 3 years.) She is very upset by some of the discipline in school; she tries to do everything right, but when the whole group is punished, so is she. She does not like anyone talking when they shouldn't; she doesn't offer answers to questions because she's afraid. She hates being the center of attention, even with extended family. She is a "textbook" introvert struggling in our extroverted public school system. Not one thing listed above (plus others not listed) on its own is a big deal, but compounded they are ruining her days. I told her that her teacher says she is doing "very, very well." DD7 said "that's because everything is so easy."
Something needs to change, but I don't know what or how. Our district puts a lot of $ into spec. ed., a lot of time into average students, but just cut out 1 of 3 gifted teachers serving the entire district (over 800 students just in second grade this year). I don't know how to make the school pay attention to my straight-A/well-behaved child. I know her performance in school is fine, so they may think it's not their problem. But she is bringing too much stress home with her.
I know this is a rambling mess, but any help will be appreciated.

Welcome Fawn,
To start with, have a conversation with the teacher. Ask for a time for an in person or phone appointment. Explain how your daughter's stress has already ramped up into high gear, and alert the teacher to how her desire to be perfect (from writing to behavior) is reflected at home. I would focus on this with the teacher first, and leave the "too easy" aside for the moment. Remember that 2nd grade spends the first month reviewing 1st grade, so the teacher will likely simply respond that it's supposed to be easy due to the review.

How would it fit if every place your said "introverted" or "stressed" you replaced it with "anxious" or "anxiety"? If it seems to fit, then I'd recommend giving her some coping tools consistent with anxiety. Everything you say is consistent with how my DD10 has responded, and the issue is now clearly anxiety. When she was 7, though, I tended to use terms like "introvert," "sensitive," and "stressed." Teach her to calm herself down by relaxing her upper body and breathing deeply. See if you can get any progress by lowering her overall anxiety level by having her spend a few quiet minutes each morning relaxed and breathing deeply.

Is homeschooling an option? It's done wonders for my oldest who is very much like you described.

Thank you for the suggestions. I got the school counselor involved. Although she was actually very little help, she and the teacher are aware there is some sort of problem.
Anxiety is definitely a possibility.

My heart feels for her. The way you described how she feels about school is exactly how I felt just before my Mother took me out to homeschool me. After I moved to the third grade my G&T programs were cut from three to one time a week and I had a terrible teacher who refused to give me any additional work and would tell me to just be quiet and put my head down until the rest of the class was finished. I felt like I was being punished. I used to cry or pretend to be sick because I was so unhappy going to school. I don't have advice (I just have a toddler) but my heart goes out to your little girl, and I hope you come to a solution that makes her happy about school!

This post literally made me tear up a bit. This was EXACTLY the situation DS8 was in for the past two years. Last year's teacher, after months of meetings in which she ignored everything I said, finally decided to give him differentiated math during the last month of school - to her, that meant giving him slightly more difficult worksheets that were still too easy for him, but making him do 80 or so problems PER NIGHT. The intention may have been good, but I have my suspicions that this was her way of trying to overwhelm him and make me shut up about the whole business. He was so shy and introverted, I was afraid to homeschool him for fear of him completely cutting himself off from the outside world. The minute I got the letter this year, saying who his teacher would be, I scheduled a meeting with the teacher, guidance counselor, and the AIG teacher for the school. (They don't do official testing for AIG until January of third grade, but she does limited work with certain kids who are not technically eligible for the program yet, if their teacher recommends it). I walked in with a notebook full of materials - everything from samples of work he has done over the summer, to research on gifted children, to his birthday wish list, where he asked for a history book and a graphing calculator. I also made sure I brought, DS, who made his own case ("I want to be an engineer and an astronaut, but I'm afraid I won't be able to get into MIT if I don't do more than basic addition in math class!" - his words, not mine).
We talked about his sensitivity and anxiety issues (apparently very common in gifted children) and how he does far better in a structured environment - in other words, putting him on a computer so he can teach himself advanced math is probably not going to work. We talked about how if this was a child with a disability, they would do everything in their power to help. And I politely informed them that if my child is not learning new material in school, then the only reason for him to be there was as a tool to boost their average test scores - which was completely unreasonable. I stated all of this while ensuring them that I was not making judgement on the job that these individuals would do during the year, but rather making a preemptive strike based on the behaviors of others in the same school, and made sure they knew that I was optimistic that this meeting would help, not assuming it was a waste of time.
We are only a week and a half into school, but so far it seems to be working. He is coming home with work that is not overwhelming for him, but makes him think. That is all I'm asking for, and I'm hoping it will continue. Anyway, I'm rambling, but I think the two important things are to involve everyone in your conference who you think MIGHT have some input - even last year's teachers, if you think it will help. And bring evidence. Everything you can get your hands on - I think what really made them wake up and pay attention in my son's case was that he was doing prealgebra in second grade. It wasn't perfect, he had made mistakes, but he was learning it - that was the important part.
Hope you find a good solution for your daughter!