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I am not sure if I am expecting too much of my DD or if this is a symptom of a bigger issue. She has been very sassy/running off at the mouth with cruel comments as of late and can't seem to stop torturing her brother. I have her go to her room when she does this but she keeps telling me, "I just couldn't help it Mom! I couldn't stop!" At first I thought her behavior was normal for this age and that she didn't care to stop but now I am starting to wonder. She is 4.5 years old.

I am looking for experience, suggestions, insight and so forth. Thanks in advance for any help!

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She sounds quite frightened by her behavior. Is she in school or preschool? Did something change before this started up?
Is she watching movies or TV that is too scary for her?
Is she getting outside time?
How long has this been bothering her?

Best Wishes,
Grinity

The day I posted was a very bad day and she was ill the next day. Today is a good day so I am questioning my perception a bit. When I mean torturing her brother, it ranges from randomly kicking, pinching, running across the room to grab his arm to attempting to smother him with a pillow. She doesn't stop when she is the mood to torture him. We have to pry her away. She seems either gleeful about hurting him or like she has been pushed to her limit. Although there are times he intentionally pushes her buttons, in the instances I'm speaking of, he isn't aggravating purposely as far as I can tell- he just happens to be in the same room with her. The violent language seems normal from listening to her friends except that DS takes what she says seriously and her friends don't. So perhaps the language issue and the physical attacks should not be grouped together.

She is home for the summer (usually in school two days a week) and, now that I think about it, it has been progressively getting worse as the summer goes on. She does not do well with self-amusement and I am wondering if maybe she needs space from her brother but is just not willing to go a room by herself. She developed a fear of being alone this summer and doesn't want to go the bathroom, fetch something from the closet and so forth if she has to do it alone. Also, many mornings, she stands in front of me scowling "Where are we going? Who is coming here or are we going to someone else's house today?" We do about three playdates a week and if we are not scheduled to see someone that day- she's not happy.

As for TV and outdoor time: We watch science shows, Cyber Chase, and Fetch primarily. We are outside in the morning, afternoon and sometimes go on an evening walk as well. I have at least a craft project everyday for her.

Do you mean that her friends also use violent language, or that she's using violent language with her friends as well as her brother, therefore the violent language part of the attacks on her brother is "normal" for her?

It's so hard to know what's up from a few online posts, but honestly, this doesn't sound like typical 4.5 year old behavior to me. Again, I'm not a professional and I only have known the kids I've known, but just from my experience, it's not typical. If you'd listed just one behavior alone I might see it as more typical, but the combination of upset with brother, violent language + violent behavior, and suddenly vivid fears of doing things alone sounds like there *might* be something worth investigating. Not sure what! But I'd try to investigate and understand what's driving the behaviors.

Best wishes,

polarbear

DS (4.5) has similar moments although it is our dog that gets the rough behaviour (other times he is delightful with her). Fortunately for him she is very tolerant! He also got fearful about being alone in rooms eg bathroom etc about 6 months ago although seems to be coming out of it now. Sometimes it does seem to sugar related (thank you Nanna) but I think it also happens more on days where he is under or over stimulated. When the balance is right he is so easy to be with. If he is getting a bit crazy snuggling with a book for 10mins often settles him right down. Failing that running him till he drops often works too . Hope it gets easier for you soon

Because she is physically harming another child, I would take her to your pediatrician and describe what you have described here. I also would not ever leave your son alone with her. Little ones hit and bite, but what you are describing sounds like it may be something that needs addressed with the help of a medical professional. If it is something she can control, you'll benefit from knowing that. And if it isn't, it will be good to have started early n the path to determining the cause and what remedies will work best for her.

Thank you for all the replies. It is good to hear that someone else's child has/is doing this and that it is getting better. I also do think over stimulation and not feeling well do influence whether she's going to be a sweet protector or an attacker. The more I think about her violent play/language, the more I think it is like an eight year old boy playing war, but her comprehension is probably different than an eight year old boy, and most definitely different than an adult's. The attacks are the most worrisome. Part of me wants to get her in now, and part of me wants to journal her behavior for a couple weeks so that I have something more helpful than, "Yes, my daughter is an angel in your office. She's a random terror at home." I think a journal might help show if there are patterns. I hadn't thought about food influencing her behavior. I am also wondering if she'll get better come school or worse.

DS isn't left alone with her usually- the smothering instance was when Dh tried to use the bathroom without kids. I am wistful for a day when I can pee alone.