Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion DD6 and lecturing /correcting / performing

Hi,

My DD6 has a propensity to lecture, correct, and perform in social situations in a way that is sometimes uncomfortable for me because I worry about her social life. On the surface, she seems very social and her K teacher wrote that she was "well liked by students and teachers." Yet, as I watch her launching into lecture mode, I sometimes feel uneasy. Yesterday, her grandparents came over and she had found a beetle and wanted everyone to sit around and listen as she lectured about beetles etc. This is common and I have seen her in teaching and correcting mode with her friends in a way that also makes me a little uncomfortable. We had an evaluation in the past and the examiner focused on giftedness while admitting she has plenty of ADHD symptoms. She was an expert in ASD, and said that she did not think there were any signs of ASD, but then again, she only met with her one on one. She has some sensory issues that seem better after OT though she is still highly excitable and even shakes her hands when excited. She is always smiling and is very creative with a great imagination and a quick sense of humor with a love of sarcasm. So far, kids seem to really like her, but I see her making social blunders that her younger sister would never make. Most people just see a very outgoing confident kid. Maybe I am just looking at things under a microscope for no reason. I am just wondering if typical gifted kids (esp. talkative highly extroverted ones who love the spotlight) do this sort of thing. We are thinking of having her enroll in a theater / singing class or camp because she actually has talent in this area and seems very comfortable on stage. At home, she wants almost constant conversation with me, if you can call it conversation. She wants me to listen and watch what I consider lectures or shows all the time. I have an introverted streak and find this highly draining. Once she has more to do outside of the home I think that things will be easier, I am just trying to get a feel if typical kids do this and if we should continue to ride it out or run it all by an expert again. I just don't know other kids anything like her LOL

I have the same dd6. Seems over the top to me a lot of the time with her attitude, out going nature, desire to perform. I correct her when she is being rude. I am pretty introverted so her desire to have play dates every day, talk non stop, jump on the coffee table and dance, and so on, does tend to be draining!
She likes ballet because she gets a chance to do real live performances from time to time, but it hasn't slowed her down.
I think she likes the challenge of the ballet dancing as well, but I am not sure she'd stick with it if not for the goal of a performance every 6 or 8 months...

Mine (far from typical, 2E/AS) definitely is the lecturer type. He tells people stuff, whether they are interested or no. Sharing interesting facts is one of the major modes of social contact that come naturally to him. He believes these facts (often obscure scientific ones) are of intrinsic interest to everybody.

My list of things to watch would be:
--does she have lots of other modes of approach to peers available, and does she use them all easily? Or is lecturing her main skill for approaching and talking to peers?

--does she listen to others as well as she lectures? What if someone else her age has a great idea?

--what happens when she is not in charge? Does she follow, or does she leave?

--can she engage in reciprocal conversational turn-taking with a peer-- turn-taking? How many turns?


You do NOT have to acquiesce to this all the time. You can say that "showtime starts at 6:30 pm, when the dishes are done, and I will listen to shows for 15 minutes" (or however long.) Please save up today's lectures and give me your best material then." She does need to learn that some people do not like being lectured to, and nobody can tolerate an infinite amount of it. That is not an unkind lesson, even from mom.

DeeDee

It's so hard to get a real picture of things at only 6. It sounds like you are really attuned to your DD which means she has a great model of excellent "social IQ". I see that gifted kids (like kids with ADHD and ASD) are often so lost in themselves that they miss social cues (even obvious ones like eye-rolling when they diatribe). Kids at 6 are egocentric anyway, hence why they often spend an entire playdate agreeing on a game instead of PLAYING the game. Also, there is no hard line between ASD, ASD traits, and eccentric. Old men with beards make diagnostic guidelines that cannot pinpoint the subtleties of each specific child.

thanks for your insight, DeeDee. I have gone round and round on here in the past and appreciate people giving me another opportunity to air my concerns.

She does approach peers in other ways and can engage in imaginary play with them, BUT she would prefer if they just listen to her stories. I have to tell her to let her younger sister add her ideas to the story etc.

She has a very hard time following another child, but she was obsessed with another child in K and would follow her lead from time to time. I do see her bend a little to others suggestions, but it isn't her natural mode.

We do not feel that she listens that well, but are not sure if there is an issue of defiance, inattention or something else. Example: say she did something wrong and we are talking to her about it. What often happens is that she does not acknowledge that you said anything and then launches into her needs. Her 4 year old sister does not do this--things seem to get under her skin.

I'll keep an eye out for reciprocal conversation with a friend. She is HIGHLY VERBAL and her voice tends to dominate many situations.

My DD also reads a lot of nonfiction, mostly science, and seems to think everyone is going to be thrilled hearing about facts. I actually keep hoping she meets a friend who does like those things. She is friends with some sweet socially adept girls who are not gifted and while I think they are good for her in some ways, perhaps she just naturally takes over. These more flexible, kind girls really like her and I think they often tolerate a lot from her even though she can be a lot of fun.

Oh, she also can be obsessive and has rotating interests that she will focus on until I can't stand the sight or sound of whatever it is. She can sometimes "sell" these to her friends though since these are usually characters from stories or animals.

...sorry had to break up post.

As a psychotherapist working with kids, I try to break down the complexity of social rules and communication in whet seems like a blatantly obvious way to those who don't struggle. For example, discussing that one always apologizes for an accident (bump in line, knocking a pencil off someone's desk) despite the fact the act wasn't intentional. You can make it more fun by giving her stickers or pennies or tickets when she picks up on social cues or appropriately follows a social rule despiteher contrary inclination. Some kids need algebra explained step by step...others need body language tutorials.

thanks for your input, Evemomma. I actually do spell things out in detail and have even drawn pictures explaining social and behavior things, but the next time she is in that situation, it seems she forgets. I often get an uncomfortable feeling in social situations with her that I don't feel with her younger sister. She does remember please, thank you, and excuse me though. I guess I have to remind myself that some things have gotten better eventually even though it took one hundred repetitions to get something that came naturally to her sibling.

We do use charts but I am certainly open to doing more rewarding (verbal and otherwise) for socially smart moments.

Your dd sounds a lot like a boy in my dd's class. 9 years old and loves to talk about all the things he knows, especially science. Unfortunately, this year he was labeled a "know-it-all" and at one point targeted by a group of girls who made fun of him. My dd stood up for him and we purposely invited him over for some playdates, which (I hope!) helped to make him less of a target. DD9 really likes this boy, and they have a shared interested in science. The guidance counselor at school was also a big help, not only in working with this boy but in working with the girls and helping them understand that people behave differently in social situations. Does your dd's school have a guidance program?

I think you are right on target having your dd maintain friendships with some socially savvier kids. Aside from that, how about role playing? Could you play your dd and show her how she is behaving and the way others are reacting? Sometimes that works for us. Explaining things doesn't seem to sink in with my kids as much as demonstrating their behavior.

Evemomma, what a strange formulation. Beards? Really?

I would not say that diagnostic guidelines are perfect, or always clear, or always applicable; but neither would I discount them as worthless, and your description of bias in them has much to answer for.

DeeDee

DeeDee...no offence meant whatsoever. I'm a mental health professional (licensed clinical counselor/art therapist), and that was my favorite professor's (clinical psychologist, taught abnormal psych) way of reminding us that diagnosis is art and science combined. It was not meant as a dig against psychology or anti -female. It was our colloquial reminder that people are people first, and that whatever system we apply diagnosticslly will be imperfect. Hence the changes in the upcoming DSM5 that changes specifics like age of symptomatic onset for ADHD, completely revises the previous Axis II personality disorder categories. Asperger's disorder only made its debut in 1994 in the DSM IV. The field of psychology is in a constant flux of what
characterizes a diagnosis versus a normal variant of the human condition.