Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Crying over son's behavior... any advice?

We feel your pain with DD4, but have high hopes in the Transforming book we just bought. We finally realized that the parenting techniques that worked for DD8 do not work so well for DD4.

What's more, we are only really realizing how terribly difficult it has been for DD8 living with the constant battles, ear-piercing screams, and exhausted and cranky parents. No wonder why she asked us last night, "Why did you even want a second child?" We try to answer it diplomatically.

It's hard not to feel like a bad parent when your friends don't have these issues. It's worse and sometimes hopeless feeling when you thought you had already figured it out with your first one, who was supposedly intense.

There are some bright moments, however. I can now picture that phrase "spitting mad" with perfect clarity. When DD4 is down for the count, collapsed on the stairs with no ammunition left to throw, she summons her Maori war face and spits--sometimes the ground, but usually on her chin because she's not very good at spitting. Bad, yes, but not as bad as her old trademark victory pee in the timeout high chair.

We have learned to count our blessings!

((nodding head))

Thank you all so much. I am feeling much better today and trying to keep things in perspective. To each of you that replied - I really can't thank you enough. I'm very grateful for the support, advice, and commiseration.

He is behaving beautifully today, I think because he knows he went too far yesterday. I'm not going to over-analyze it, though. I'm just going to enjoy it. I think I'll take advantage of his good behavior and take the kids out to a museum today.

Awesome! Enjoy the day.

Lol... victory pee ... I need to find that sense of humor when my son has his fits =]

Hugs, sweatpeas! My DD3 is less oppositional than what you describe in your son (probably gender-- she's super strong willed--interesting comment above, Grinity!), but OMG, the sensitivity! The intensity! The hours we spend discussing emotions! She can be SO EMBARRASSING in public sometimes. It's NOT you. Hang in there!

oh wow you described Aiden a while back!

Anxiety, a certain amount of depression and helplessness. Added to a dash of perfectionism and intensity.

For any new activity he does, we need to get there early to give him a chance to wind up into it. He loves to see the kids arriving, he loves to chat to the coaches and teachers beforehand, get a feel for the place (and find the loo!! haha)

Then he is fine. If we are late or rushed he is usually quite miserable all the way through. The only exception is his Chess lesson, which I find strange, but I will take it!

I have shed many a tear over his behaviour, anger, tantrums etc. And since we have made the changes to 1 - homeschool and 2 - give him more personal respect to allow him to make more of his own choices, he is happier, calmer and we have fewer outbursts and tantrums.

Having said that, I cannot WAIT for them to go away forever and ever!!

I haven't read all the responses but I agree with GrandmaSarah's post. DS4 was getting really difficult to deal with and I was crying daily. One day he was in timeout and said "I don't know why you put me here!!! It doesn't do any good!"

Right then and there I said "OK, that is fine. No more timeouts. From now on I will treat you like you are 7 and EXPECT Choices from you that reflect the behavior of a 7 year old". He looked stunned but pleased. From that moment things changed dramatically.

I really feel in many ways he felt belittled by the fact I was treating him like the 4 year old he really is...the fact is, he is not mentally like a 4 year old....not even close. The fact that I did treat him like 4 and all that entails made him angrier and angrier to the point that he was acting out, had angry outbursts multiple times a day.
I don't know what you do in your home but in case you don't, try telling him and treating him like the older child he mentally probably is. That means he will have to step up and make the right choices.

I just say, "You will have to make a 7 year old choice or I will have to start treating you like a 4 year old again". That is all it takes to get him back on track.

Instead of timeout I ask him to go to his room because behavior like that is not acceptable in our house. I tell him to come out when he is ready to make better choices.

Hang in there.