Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion I'm worried my child will end up friendless

I don't know what has happened to her, but in the past year my 6 year old dd went from being a quiet, extremely shy child (one that would let other children walk all over her) to a bossy, pushy child who is doing the walking. Even to kids older than her. I don't know if it's the school she was in this past year for kindergarten or if it's just part of her development.

She will have friends over and will manipulate them to get them to do what she wants. If they don't want to do what interests her, things like writing a book or her teaching them division she will make comments such as "it's easy, why wouldn't you want to do it?".

I've had talks with her about it and told her that in order to have friends she has to be a friend to no avail. I'm really worried that if she continues on this path nobody is going to want to play with her.

she's six. its normal development.
just keep modeling more acceptable responses.
if she seems to be having trouble understanding what is offensive to the other kids you could role play being kids in various scenarios. just keep it brief and simple and dont dwell on it.
you can also read books with kid interactions and ask her how the characters feel about certain things and let her talk. dont judge her responses. you want what she thinks not how she should think.
you can also gradually move into has she ever felt that way questions and then carefully into have you ever made someone else feel that way.........
We also used to have discussion about being a good hostess at that age.during play dates I could just ask are you being a good hostess? or do you think your guest is having fun? sometimes that would change the tone.

Keep modeling of course, and it could be in part due to a development milestone... but also consider the fact of any stress/anxiety she's experienced at school or being out of sync with her peers is the root of the problem (the onset of this behavior). Do you think any of the kids she interacts with are her "true intellectual peers" or who she's on the same wavelength with? (sorry my grammar there is pretty bad)

Anyway just a thought...see if there is something bugging her

That strategy never worked for us... DS was too attached to what he wanted to do. We would have to agree before the playdate on what activities were okay to offer a friend on that day. It's OK to make a plan beforehand if your DD needs that.

Once in a while we let him be the leader by showing an interested friend his chemistry set, but usually we only approve activities that both kids like equally.

DeeDee

Egocentric at 6? You betcha!

You said she was a quiet one? Sometimes kids 'overcorrect' when they are changing their behavior. It also may be she is failing to notice her peers' social
cues because she lost in her own world. Instead of discussing the 'shoulds' of empathy (which will likely make her defensive), appeal to her logical side. Social rules are tricky, subtle, and extremely varied. Help her become a detective of these. Most young kids don't usually feel empathy with their friends, they've just learned the social rule of sharing, compromising, etc. This implies empathy...which makes adults happy. Help her 'fake it til she makes it'. Even if she never fully makes it, social behavior is more about following the rules than feeling them. Before play dates, try giving her secret missions to carry out (ie play a game her friend wants, letting her friend go first, etc). Reward her later for mission complete.

This is how Aiden (5) became just before we pulled him out of school. It got so bad that the kids at school would come tell me when I fetched him. Since being out of the school environment, he is MUCH better, and even sometimes lets his younger brother and friends who are here for play dates etc "be the boss/leader of the games"

Aiden's therapist told me that it is his way of trying to control something, anything because he feels so out of control in other life areas. So we gave him more control where he could have it - eg he chooses when he will bath and if he will bath or shower, he chooses his own clothes, he chooses his own breakfast every day, he chooses what we do for home school each day, he chooses outings when we have the opportunity to do so etc. One night a week we have family choice night and every family member takes a turn to choose the family meal. Everyone has to eat it cheerfully, and the person choosing helps to make the meal. and other things that I recon are not critical, life or death kind of choices.

So essentially we have given him control over the things he can control, and it means he feels more secure and confident.

It has worked for him/us.

My kids (DD9 & DS7) both went through it. DS would get mad at the other kids in his grade 1 class because they "played chess wrong" (he was the only one who knew how - he learned at the end of KG), and DD went through a MASSIVE bragging phase. Try as I might I could not seem to explain to them what "tact" was. It got to the point where I tried avoiding social situations, lol.

They outgrew most of it. (Thank heavens!!) Sometimes they still get worked up: "let ME!! I can show you!!!" or "mommy I was just trying to show him/her how but he/she won't listen!!" (sigh). DD9 is finally at the point where she understands that sometimes other kids need to try themselves to learn. Overall they're both much better and much more polite.

DS6 is/was pretty controlling in terms of play - some of it is being an only though - he says do this DH will often just do it - I am less agreeable and then he tries repeating himself, manipulating me, or changing the options. It is something he struggles with because he has usually worked out in his head how he wants something to go - so more on the lines of him being the author of what is being done so that it works out a certain way. However, this was more of an issue in pre-k than now at the end of K because he is finally with more appropriate peers - not exactly - but much closer. He used to say that what the other kids wanted to do was boring or not a good as his ideas - and to some degree I think it was true, they were less knowledgeable or less sophisticated - and it was difficult for him to play what he considered slower less interesting play. However, you can't make that argument with adults - so some of it is finding appropriate playmates and some of it is about how to play. Both of which we work on! I am constantly telling him - but i don't want to do that, I want to do this. And bringing it to his attention - when you played Star Wars, did you all share ideas, what was friend's idea. oh that was a good one, etc.

DeHe