Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion how to avoid an ego or perfectionism?

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lol! Sorry to laugh but this reminded me of high school orientation night for dd13 last summer. She had, years ago, attended a summer camp that she didn't really enjoy. She's less outgoing than your ds, but the counselors tried to talk with her b/c she was mostly spending her time reading a textbook about the anatomy and physiology of Florida manatees.

So, it turns out that one of the former camp counselors is now a teacher at dd's high school. She walks up to the math table to talk to the teachers there and one of them turns to dd and say, "[dd's name]! You're the manatee expert!" Dd, of course, does not remember this guy b/c she was a little kid at the time of camp, but when you've got kids who can opine at length on adult topics or discuss them in depth when they are quite young, it does draw attention and, apparently, stick in the memory of the adults who have interacted with them.

I've always discussed with dd that genius is not a state of intelligence. It is high ability combined with hard work, passion, and creativity. Genius is as genius does IMHO.

Some of what has helped with dd has been placing her with older kids such that, while she may stand out as the youngest, she is at least doing things in her passion area (science) with people who are functioning more on a peer level, and putting her in places where it isn't always a cake walk. Grade acceleration, camps with older kids, lectures for adults, anything where she can have HG+ peers, etc. have all been good. It combats both the illusion that she is better at everything than most people and the thought that she should be able to do everything with extreme ease.

I think that it is something similar to the idea of having young kids read at their "instructional" level, where they can read the books without extreme frustration but also with a little work. We've tried to put dd in that spot educationally wherever we can. She's less perfectionistic and has less of an inflated ego in being by far younger and working at something close to an instructional level in some areas than she would being of typical age and coasting.

Our daughter is now almost 15. We have always expected her to have good manners and good grades. These are "traits" that she can work on. She knows she is gifted - and that can't be kept from them. She has been taught that her giftedness is a "gift" and she seems to accept that.

Isn't that a little young to be worried about teaching humility?

No, I don't think its too early. My DS was barely three when he started to make comments to me that showed that he recognized the difference between himself and his "classmates" at daycare. Trying to pretend like the difference isn't there won't help. These kids are too smart to expect them to not notice. We have worked hard to make sure that DS understands that it is effort not innate ability that gets rewarded here. We have also sought out experience for him where we knew he would be outside of his comfort zone and would probably not excel, at least immediately. It is just as important, if not more so, to me to teach my child the worth of all people (and not just himself) as it is to teach him any kind of academics. When a child repeatedly hears how "special" they are and how "brilliant" they are they do need to be reminded of the more important things in life (i.e. character, perseverance, humility, etc...) in order to keep them grounded. My DS knows that his brain is a gift from God and that it works differently than most people's brains do. He also knows that it is up to him to use that gift well. That doesn't mean to be perfect, it means to take chances in learning, to try to help others, to think about and do the right things, etc... We have also made sure to make him aware of the various gifts that he sees in people all around him.

A genius mind without a sense of himself within the larger world is not likely to provide him with a better life but a gifted mind attuned to the world around him can make a difference in many ways, large or small.

My 2pworth: you're on the right track emphasising making mistakes and keeping going (though I'm not sure I'd define smart as that - he's going to discover that other people have a different definition, sooner rather than later). The trick is going to be making sure he gets enough of a chance to be smart in your sense. I think humility (in a good sense, which I guess is what you mean!) comes from knowing you have to work, too, and can fail, too. So I vote: do everything you can to make sure he gets things to do that are hard for him. Maybe it's wishful thinking, but I think it won't much matter what other people say to him about his abilities - if you're matter of fact about them, focusing on what he needs to work at, just as you would with any other child, I think he'll be matter of fact about them.

I agree with VWmommy.
but it is not just about not developing an ego. but developing a healthy ego instead of a sense of entitlement or elitism. a healthy ego with appropriate self esteem can also help avoid the perfectionism trap.
if everyone expects him to be smart all the time and he learns to get his sense of self worth from that, it can become difficult to acknowledge and learn from mistakes. In really smart kids this can begin really early. so no 4 is not too soon to teach a healthy view of the world and ones place in it. Even younger is is fine too if the kid is self aware early.

Your DS sounds wonderful! We have a DD recently 5 who sounds very similar. Although it can be embarrassing to have attention drawn to you and your child when out, I have really been working at enjoying them for who they are and not trying to make them blend in which ends up being awkward and unsuccessful anyway. This continues to be very hard.

DS5 and DD3 talk to most people we cross paths with. It can be a little uncomfortable. I used to be worried that they just talked to any strangers. My DH says it is good that they are so social and after watching them they are selective about who they talk to. They tend to pick adults that either have children and are child friendly or professionals who share some sort of area of interest. As I have tried to be more open to the strangers they start conversations with I have found that they generally pick safe and interesting people and purposely avoid others.

I would be concerned about focusing too much on humility at such a young age as schools tend to try and drill this into gifted kids, sending the message that a child is not special and everyone has gifts so your nothing special can come across wrong, especially if their needs are not being met at school.

Every parent thinks their child is special and they should. The world will bring him down to earth in time. Unconditional acceptance and positive opinion of him from his family can insulate kids from the realities and stresses of life later.

We want them to know they are capable and set their sights high. It can also address perfectionism as he gets into situations where he is not the smartest or is not the best at something but sees that mom and dads opinion of him remains unchanged and he can take risks academically with out changing or loosing that perceived smartness from others.

Biographies of smart famous people who have failed at something would be helpful for him to read and give you a good opportunity to talk about these things and how he views himself and others. Having a focus on personal effort and having an internal drive is a really good thing.

We have found that participating in sports or some sort of lesson where the child has to master a skill that can not be attained over night is really helpful. These kind of experiences are extra helpful if there are many different ages of kids involved.

There is no way he is not going to know that he is smart, and that's okay. There is no way other people are not going to notice that he is smart. If you can teach him empathy for others, by setting up situations where he can help or serve others, and he retains his curiosity about other people and continues trying to talk to everyone he will probably become a very well rounded, sensitive, insightful adult.

I hope to hear more about your wonderful DS. It is fun to read stories about the things they say and do. I wish we met more kids like this who lived closer. DS5 would love to find a friend closer to his age.

I followed 2 rules with DS8 and now DS5

1) Never tell him he was special only that he was different and that everyone was different in their own ways and that his talents did not earn him any special treatment

2) Had him take up a musical instrument so he could be challenged non-academically and struggle with it and tell him this is normal and not to expect perfection but to practice hard to try and reach it

That sounds a lot like my son when he was younger. There was no way to avoid it. When he was school aged I could keep it in check with "normal life," but he has continued to stick out to others in the similar ways as an adult.

Unfortunately, he has become a somewhat arrogant adult. He never seemed to have learned to "suffer fools" - gladly or otherwise. It also makes him have some difficulty in his career because he thinks everyone else is an idiot. He moves from job to job every couple of years as the honeymoon wears off and in turn, it makes him miserable. Dealing with it when they are young is probably a good idea, based on my experience.