Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion More behavior "issues"

My dd6 had similar problems in preschool but not as bad. It did however get that bad when she went to k. In preschool i didn't yet know she was advanced so i got upset but the teachers were awesome. In kindergarten she had lots of issues with other kids, running around the classroom. She even hit a little boy infant of myself and a teacher, then she refused to say she was sorry. I knew by this time she was ahead so i talked to the teacher and we worked on getting her engaged and giving her afterschool classes to help her with social skills. If her school wouldn't help us i would find her a new school. It can't be all your sons fault even if he was the most rambuncious child on the planet.

As for what has happened since he was pulled out, we decided to get an educational assessment. The school also recommended an evaluation from an occupational therapist. The assessment confirms he is gifted and in need of acceleration. The therapist has diagnosed him with retained infantile reflexes. The OT comes to our house and teaches him exercises once a week.
My sister in law, who is a pediatrician, and the psych. who evaluated him think the OT stuff is a fringe science and question it's validity. However, they both agree it can't hurt so if we are willing to pay for it whatever. Their position is "school was a bad fit, he's still a little guy, and he might never act like all the other kids and that is okay". Of course, throwing sand or hurting someone is not okay and he knows that. They mean his intensity will probably always be a part of his personality.
I know how you feel after that meeting. I have been there within the last six months and I felt horrible. Take heart that you have a better situation on the horizon. We are still trying to figure out what to do next year.

This is actually why we haven't sent Bear to a brick and mortar preschool besides the socializations he does at the district special needs preschool. We KNOW we'd be getting called everyday.

He has been in OT for a couple years now and it has actually does miracles. He went from tantrums over an hour every day or two to only having one like that every couple months. His sensory issues have been helped a lot too.

He's gone through just about every test that exists at this point and the best they've managed to come up with is sensory processing disorder and bad anxiety. That and smart....

Good luck!

Sweetpeas, it sounds to me like this school has expectations that couldn't possibly work for the full range of normal 3-year-old behavior. They make it work by having a heavily self-selected population. I think it's terrible of them to try to accomplish this by pathologizing your son or any other kid that doesn't fit. They should just fess up that they have a style that is only a good fit for certain personality types.

Montessori was great for my two dds, however, it isn't great for every kid and your son't frustration is understandable. Do you even have to finish the year? Honestly, I would pull him out now. Good luck!

I second everything LNEsMom said with applause!! Very nicely put.

The biggest issue we had with schools is getting the detail as to what happens before a "behavior", during, reaction to consequences etc. I always just thought it was because they don't seem to be able to discern that level of detail, "20+ other kids in the classroom" and that sort of thing.

But the more I keep hearing about this sort of thing over and over about children who are similar to my DD, the more I wonder if it's just the school staff evading responsibility and/or reluctance to admit that they have no idea how to deal with or educate this type of child.

While hitting is not appropriate of course, it is not an unusual response to extreme frustration for a 3 yr old!!!!!! I would be very shocked that they suggested meds for someone that young.

At least you have an optimistic school change on the horizon, that’s a really good thing.

p.s. my DD did what KJP's child did, making "choices" to demonstrate certain types of behaviors to get out of the classroom. These are very smart kids and they do what it takes. School people don't really seem to understand how deep the layers are with these kids' behaviors, or they don't want to deal with it.

We had this issue when DS was in Pre school from both sides, one year there was a kid who was a "handful" and it was very tough for the other parents. We put a lot of pressure on this private school to deal with the child, which they did, through meetings with the parents. What ended up happening was the bulk of the teachers time was spent with the kid, leading to things happening with the other kids. But the child's behavior kept escalating, as the parent of the kid who got hit, it was so obvious it was about fit. In this case the kid was much less verbal and socially ready for the program but the school had caved to the parents to let him in, and then had to cave to the other parents and removed him.

I realized the next year though as they struggled with my DS who had gone through one of those super growth spurts of learning that they couldn't deal with anyone not in the fat part of the bell curve of beahvior for this age group. They couldn't manage the social and emotional needs of someone too young nor could they handle it with the too advanced. Anything "too" was too much.

From what I read when we had to deal with the biter and hitter, it is all about frustration and communication. If they don't have the words or the emotional development so they resort to the physical. I can't say I know what they should have done better but I do know they took the steps they did due to parental pressure, so that's what you might be getting as well. Then again they wanted my 4 year old who was reading 3 grade books to see a psych for social training when he had no interest in playing with his age mates who had no knowledge of what he was talking about!

Not sure if any of this is helpful

DeHe

I'm sorry you're going through all this. Sounds upsetting and exhausting and confusing.

I think you need to take a "long view" here. You're son is still so young. It's really hard to know what's at the root of these behaviors. Gifted kids are so intense, it's hard to know what's what. Teasing out gifted from ADHD (for example) is really for a skilled psych.

I love the idea of your going to the classroom to observe. Montessori schools/classes/kids are used to people sitting in the room, so it shouldn't be a big idea. Just write down what you see.

I'd take every data point I could from this experience. Write it all down. Try to be as objective as possible. Write down what the teacher said, what you saw, what happens at home, etc.

Next year he'll be at a different school, and you'll have another environment to see your child in.

My DD did get injured (three long scratches down her back and one near her eye) by a more severely autistic child in her K class. He was a year older, fairly big, and it was an ongoing battle between the school and the parents as to whether he should really be in this classroom setting. We as well as some other parents who were also affected by this child's behavior were always complaining.

He had a full time 1:1 aide but she did drop the ball enough times to put the other kids in a bad spot. He followed the girls into the girl's bathroom enough to upset some of them enough that they wouldn't go to the bathroom all day, including my DD, which in K is tough.

My pediatrician said we should request mediation and it was refused. I guess you could go to a hearing phase. All this wrapped up with her not being academically challenged despite the test scores we had etc.

I know the stress in part caused her to have breakdowns as well as the dreadful academic boredom. The conditions in the classroom were just unhealthy all around.

Then we homeschooled.

Thank you all so much for your responses. I appreciate them more than you can know. I admit to tearing up quite a bit as I read through this thread - I guess I am even more emotional about this situation than I realized.

The idea to go and observe is a great one. We did do this already, though, and we were there for several hours. Of course, while we were there, he was on his best behavior. He stayed in circle time, did what was asked, stayed focused on his worked, etc. The teacher joked that we needed to observe every day.

We had an OT go and watch the classroom too. She saw some misbehaviors, mostly that he was not staying in place for long enough. He'd want to jump from work to work.

It's so hard to get a finger on exactly how bad he is acting at school. I don't think the teachers are lying or even exaggerating because I know for a fact that he is a very intense kid and very stubborn too. It doesn't sound like they have found triggers or any pattern to his behavior. He just sometimes decides he doesn't want to cooperate, or he doesn't want to follow the rules.

The last time he got sent home from school was for dumping sand on some girl's head. Part of me thinks that it isn't that strange for a three-year-old to dump sand on another kid's head when they are playing in a sandbox. Is it bad behavior? For sure. Worth kicking him out of school and suggesting medication over? Not really. But, I guess the incident was just part of a bigger picture/pattern of misbehavior.

I can stay home with him this summer. My husband and I both work from home - and I only work part-time. I actually really want to take him out of school right now and keep him home all summer too! My husband, however, really wants to keep him in school. I'm not sure what we'll end up doing.

Much of what many of you said really resonated with me. I do think that he is a difficult kid to have in the classroom, but I don't think they believe the environment is at all part of the problem. They think that if they can't handle him, no one can.

I completely agree with the poster that said for Montessori being a child-led education they sure have a TON of rules. So true. I think I had this idea that they were more flexible than what they really are.

What worries me is that his experiences here are shaping how he sees himself. I feel like he has been labeled (rightly or wrongly) as a troublemaker by both the teachers and the other kids. I also worry about the other kids. If he is as disruptive to the classroom as it sounds like is sometimes is, then that really isn't fair to them.

OK, here I go again... "babbling" out a long post. Clearly, I've needed a place to vent. You all don't know how much I appreciate being able to talk openly about these issues here and receiving such great feedback. It really means a lot. Thank you!