Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Parental Isolation

Do you ever feel like you have the plague? I cannot stand that in order to maintain relationships I have to make due not talking about something that is so center in my life right now (educational decisions). I'm so FREAKING tired of walking on eggshells or hearing about how the public school is filled with outstanding students, etc. etc. I just want to throw down some articles and say "this" "this" is what I'm talking about. If god forbid we were challenged with a disability of some kind would ever decision I make be second guessed. would i feel so isolated. probably, grass isn't greener. so bad analogy BUT... does it get easier. probably not. ARGGGG. I have to get to a point where I've got enough other interests to talk about I guess. I swear the only friend I have that is completely open ears and frankly darn helpful is a best buddy whose son has learning disabilities (although I think frankly they may see is twice blessed or however it is phrased).

sorry, i'm on a rant from a bad lunch. but !@$!@$(&)39&% can't these people who we thought loved us see what a challenge this is... in here there are lots of people with kids like them but in a non gifted classroom in public school a kid like her might come in once every 5 years.

by the way... any suggestions for completing the YS application. she's so young dd6 it I'm having a hard time picking examples. i digress. back to

ARGGGG. You just want to have a preamble light up over your head... what I'm about to say doesn't imply she will have a better life, is a better person, or that I did anything right for her, for them.

Hmmmm... maybe too low on caffiene and maybe I'll go bite the ears off the baby's easter bunny :-)

I hear you. It can be very lonely experience It's almost impossible to talk about it in front of other people. I do have a few friends with whom I share a lot, but I am still careful of what I say.

I think if your DD had learning disabilities, you would probably still feel alone and people wouldn't get it, but you would be able to talk about it all you wanted. Nobody would think that you were just showing off.

DYS is a huge blessing. Meeting real people with similar kids is priceless.

As far as the application goes, I suggest a glass of vine and get it over with I think the scores are the most important part of the application. Try to think of funny examples, something which surprised you, something your child does better than you (if there is such a thing). Think about something she learned really fast. Look at the scores and concentrate at the area of her strength.

Good luck

*Waving* Another parent here who feels isolated. I have a few friends that I can talk to to a certain point but they really just don't understand me. My mother is good but just recently she told me to let DS5 "just be a kid" . I have stopped talking with her about him specifically for the last few weeks.

My only advice on the application is to just sit and do it. I completed the one for my son in about 3 hours one night. I typed the whole thing up and then cut and paste into the application. Too bad for me that I mailed it mid February and am having the longest wait ever!!!!!!!!!!!! No advice on the content since I am unsure if we have been successful. I must say that I did find it hard to pick examples and limit myself.

ETA: I am eating a solid chocolate bunny right now. You are not alone.

May I join the group? I have not found any moms in my area that understand our situation. I have gotten the "everyone thinks their child is gifted" comment, after which I don't share much with others. Even on some mommy message boards, you can get bashed for someone finding out that your child is young for the grade. You become a pushy stage mom. My friends listen, but don't really understand.

I attended a local gifted parent's group and some even questioned giving Explore tests to 3-4th graders.... This board is a great place to discuss things without judgment.

Jen

Kickball: Hmmmm... maybe too low on caffeine and maybe I'll go bite the ears off the baby's easter bunny :-)

- Too funny! I LOL when I read this. It wasn�t until I started to respond that I realized that I�d had two cupcakes before eating lunch today. L-O-V-E sweets.

Kickball: I just want to throw down some articles and say "this" "this" is what I'm talking about.

- I wonder if the concept of LOG is too hard for some people to wrap their brains around. I�m generalizing, but it seems as if most of the people I know IRL just see: below average, average, and smart.
- When my DS was 18 mos. his teacher encouraged me to speak with the school director about a bump to an older class. When I spoke with the director she told me that my son was no different from the other (mostly) smart children.

LMom: It's almost impossible to talk about it in front of other people.

- I�ve learned to let other people talk about their children first. My old boss thought her grandson had a speech disorder b/c of the way DS was developing. When she told me this I felt awful. I thought every baby was like DS. I was a new mom and an only child with no means of comparison.

Dottie: Even my own parents don't get it.

- I�m not sure how bright DS2 is. I assume he�s only MG like his momma. However, DS�s grandmother has said that she hopes he�s not too smart b/c that would �be such a shame� b/c �those kids are too different from their age-mates.�

I agree with you that there are few people who understand. I am fortunate to have a good friend (gifted herself) who is a first grade teacher and whose husband is a child psychologist. They totally get it, and it's been great to talk with them.

I completely understand. I only talk about DS with a few other moms, people I love and have known for 5 or 6 years. Fortunately, they know our son and know that our issues are genuine challenges, not random whining. These are the same moms who talk to me about their 8yo children still not reading fluently...and I offer my ear for them to talk about that.

I have other friends and acquaintances who don't hear much of anything from me about our son's academics. I just would never bring it up in a conversation.

Tara

It sounds like I'm not too bad off in this department...

My parents get it and are supportive. I talk to my mom almost every day by phone but she lives in another state.

A good friend whose son is PG and the same age as DD moved to Australia but we correspond by email.

And another good friend whose daughter looks at least HG to me (although she has not been tested) is very supportive and lives near me. Sometimes I feel a little awkward, though, because her DS is the same age as mine--they are only weeks apart--but she decided to wait a year for K for him since he has a Nov. birthday and has been on the late end of normal for verbal stuff. So next fall he will start K when DS is starting second grade. The boys are good friends, though, and play well together. Her DD is my DD's best friend.

With other moms at my kids' school, though, I definitely feel like I can't talk about "it". DS' gradeskip has brought up some questions from people...I usually say that the school decided it was a better placement for him and it seems to be going well so far.

Cathy

I agree, it's hard to have conversations unless the parent has kids also in the HG/HG+ range. I am very fortunate to have met another mom with kids like mine. The kids get along famously and the mom is great. We can both talk openly about all aspects of our experiences without any sort of judgement.
I almost feel it you can find just one other mom who is having similar issues, it helps so much.
I also don't bring up the academics/GT issues in conversations. I've had a few weird moments when a parent will ask a direct question or two and I feel kind of on the spot. I had a friend of mine who knew the girls had been tested, point blank ask me my daughter's IQ score. That was weird.
It's those times I feel isolated I guess.

I

I wish I had your gift for words at that time! I was so flabbergasted and blindsighted, I just told her.
That kind of sucked the air out of the room.
I was mad at myself later, I should have handled it better.
She doesn't need to know that information and I have no idea if she shares it with others.

Oh well.

I

I never think of the great things to say until 3:00 in the morning! I wish I had a great gift with words like you Dottie. But incog - I'd probably have done the same thing you did. How rude of that woman to ask such a thing!!!!!

Reiterating, my dad's always salient answer was., "IQ tests test how well you take IQ tests." Avoids needless nonsense!
Aline

kickball - I really feel your pain...
I feel kind of stupid b/c I'd heard about the difficulties of advocating for gifted kids, but I always thought to myself...I'm sure it's not that bad! People must be exaggerating!
What an awakening I've had the past year!!!!
I find people I can talk to in the weirdest places...the OT and the PT that I work with both have gifted children, but it took over a year of working together before we broached the subject (the fear of speaking about it with others). I took my kids to the Museum of Natural History the other day and it was awesome! It was members only night and we were allowed to go behind the scenes, see the collections and talk to the scientists. It was so great b/c it seemed like most of the kids were gifted. It was so different from being around the general public - very interested, engaged children (like mine!). I went to check out the education resource room where teachers can check out materials... it turns out the lady running it has a gifted son (2). She was so excited to talk to me and my dd's. We exchanged #'s and I referred her to Dr. Rimm.
I guess what I'm trying to say (the long way) is that I've met people in the least expected places, they just come along; but I'm careful what I say to most of the people I associate with on a daily basis. Some of the other teachers at my school are also very supportive.
Can't forget Mom! She's right on board!

My huge frustration is with general attitudes toward education. There was an article in the NY Times the other day about math standards and a new report that's come out, and it was very depressing.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/14/e...sq=math+standards+third+grade&st=nyt

The whole focus of the piece in the Times was, as usual, on minimum standards: everyone should be able to add and subtract whole numbers by the end of third grade, etc. etc. The report itself is 120 pages long and pretty much just gives lip service to gifted students saying that learning faster doesn't appear to "harm" them and that they should be "allowed to do so". <sigh>

It is so frustrating that schools and elected officials just don't get it. Sure, it's a disaster that some kids are behind. But it's also a huge disaster that we aren't teaching the bright ones how to think (or the other ones, for that matter).

We have abandoned our bright and brightest children because they get good scores on dumbed-down tests. They must be okay, right? They scored in the 98th+ percentile, right? That's great, right? Wrong. That's a disaster. My 3 year old can 2+2 in her head. Why did they force my 7 year old to do this in second grade??

Our schools squander our best minds and leave them to fend for themselves. Then Mom and Dad get labelled as troublemakers because we want something challenging for our kids.

<RANT OFF>

Val

I know that feeling very well. In my case, it is not just feeling like we don't fit in but as my son put it, it feels like we are being shunned. We are. I recently saw several of the homeschool moms together and they acted like they didn't even see me.

I felt at my lowest point about a month ago and I did something really stupid that only made things worse. I responded to an email by a member of our homeschool group who is also a member of the musical theater group my son is in. I was upset about something and wasn't thinking when instead of sending the email to this one person, I accidentally sent it to the whole homeschool group. I said things like "C doesn't seem to have that much in common with the few boys his age in the homeschool group" and I complained that he didn't get OT when he was enrolled in Kindergarten because he was reading at about a 5th grade level and also advanced in math so the school wasn't required to provide therapy because he wasn't yet failing. I meant to say this only to her because she had mentioned at our last acting class that she thought her son needed speech therapy and she wondered if the school might provide it even though she is homeschooling. She also has a gifted daughter that is a little younger than my son and she knew from her own experiences at our public school that she would need to homeschool her daughter, so I thought I could talk to her about some of these issues and she would really understand.

I went on to say in my email that I had sent emails and letters to the superintendent of public schools, my legislators and even the governor's office asking for part time school, but that I knew some of the people in our homeschool group would not like it because a few years ago some of them told me they thought I was wrong to want to put my child in the "government school" for part time classes or therapy or anything else.

My son and I also feel isolated within our own family. My uncle always invites all the cousins and extended family over for holiday dinners and they are very much a sports family. His grandchildren are close to my son's age and very good in sports so they spend a lot of time talking about football and basketball. My son can't play sports and he can't talk about the things he is learning or the spelling bee that he participated in or musical theater, so he says he feels like he doesn't belong in his own family.

I even felt uncomfortable when we got together with my husband's side of the family including his geology professor sister to go digging for crystals. I felt uncomfortable because nobody asks my son about what he is learning or doing but they ask the other young people in the family about school. The geology professor only seems concerned that my son, who has a mild motor coordination disorder does not cut his food properly and that it doesn't look very attractive when he cuts up his food and she has the nerve to point this out in front of him twice even though she has been told that he has motor dyspraxia that causes him to have difficulty with this.

My son asked me a few days ago if I ever wished that he was a sports kid so I would fit in with the other people in our family and our town. I think he feels responsible for our isolation.

Don't get me started on this one! I agree with you completely. It's not only in math, but reading as well. Here the emphasis is on DIBELS and meeting a minimum standard of oral fluency. There is NO emphasis on reading comprehension and very little focus on fostering a love of reading. Fortunately, my girls love to read anyway.

As a high school math teacher, I'm seeing the effects of the focus on minimum standards. I have kids in precalculus who still ask me how to do arithmetic with fractions! Some days I go home very discouraged. I struggle to keep my bright kids challenged while trying to bring the weaker ones up to my higher standard. I have addressed this issue with the administration because we don't need to be referring so many kids to precal.

Sing it loud, Val! I could have written what you wrote. Dead-on target! Sad, but highly accurate.

Kickball: I'm sorry. I sympathize. I wish I had good advice for you, but I don't, beyond just keep using this forum as you are. It's been my lifesaver on days like the one you were having. I have yet to find much sympathy or undertanding IRL. Even in the GT groups I'm a part of, a lot of people don't seem to get LOGs. GT is GT is GT. It's hard.

(FWIW, I tend to have better luck among secular homeschoolers, who seem to either understand why public school is problematic for an HG+ kid, or at least see the general problems inherent in the current system. <shrug>)

As for DYS: what I always advise people is to try to use examples that distinguish not between and ND child and a GT child, but between MG and HG+. Try to show things that are 3+ years advanced.

And if I had been asked to submit more info for my DS6, I'd have sent video. Even PG 6yos aren't usually writing novels or curing cancer. Video tells the story of an HG+ child much better than a drawing or a page of math problems.

FWIW...

Agreed. I've seen those Spectrum Reading-type exercises that are two pages long and measure comprehension with multiple choice questions. I think of this as a sound bite approach to reading. It certainly doesn't teach any children how to follow a narrative and *think* about stuff.

Unfortunately, the multiple-choice stuff is too common in colleges too; I teach at a local college and see a lot of MC exams floating around. I see MC exams as teaching factoids and not encouraging students to learn to reason with information and to use it to create new ideas.

Val

As I read CFK's thoughts on parents of other gifted kids I did a little self-reflection. I wondered if I was ever guilty of this and thought that I probably was.

I get so used to DS being so far ahead of everyone he is around, I take it for granted. When a kid moved in to DS's school who was as good a reader as DS, it totally threw me off for a few weeks--"my kid is the best reader in the class; he has always been the best reader; where did this guy come from?" Consciously, of course, I actually knew it was a good thing (and it is--watching them talk books together is great fun!), but I realized that I did get a little of my identity from DS being amazing and I felt a little de-throned.

I'm long over it now, but I guess I see where some of the off-putting reaction comes from. So I have to be forgiving of it in others!

I understand the feelings of isolation. Many people are happy at our school. DD6 got into a program that required a lottery because of the limited space so I feel somewhat of an ingrate to not be thrilled with school. When I first told some of my closest friends about the testing, I was surprised about the range of support I got - from: truly wanting to help figure out ways to meet her needs, to: high IQ scores are just a way to show you're better than someone else.
DD's spark has diminished, especially since entering 1st grade. There's an edge to her that just wasn't there before. She's been referred to a weekly program that pairs students one-on-one with an adult. It's child-led and supposedly will hep her to adjust to the classroom better. The main reason we decided to go for it was because we felt she'd be thrilled to get out of the classroom for 30 minutes and play. I admit though that when I first heard about it helping children to adjust, my mind jumped to a brain-washing scenario complete with electrodes..."You will do whatever the teacher tells you to do. You will stop interrupting with so many questions and comments. You will work on whatever the class is working on, etc."

I agree that problems with "competitive parenting" tend to occur when the parent is overly invested in the child's accomplishments. Perfectionist parenting doesn't work, but that doesn't keep (us) perfectionists from having kids. (!)

In addition to perfectionism, a big part of the problem, I think, comes of parents who are used to being top achievers suddenly having nothing of their own to do anymore except raising the kids. I was a high-achiever, and being reduced to repeating the alphabet ad nauseum (because it was my son's obsession from ages 12mos-16mos or so) was just killing my soul. I actually taught myself to whistle during that time because I was so bored. It took lots and lots of practice, but it gave me something to do that was my own project. By the time I had my second child, I needed more, and it's one of the reasons I started writing the novel. It was that or go back to work...or lose my ever-lovin' mind.

Don't get me wrong: I love being a stay-at-home parent and I wouldn't trade my time with the kids for anything. But it was never easy for me. If I hadn't realized what a strain it was for me and made sure that I had my own life, too, I think I could have become too invested in my kids' accomplishments and become one of those competitive parents. So I have a lot of sympathy.

My solution: when confronted with someone who wants to be a rival, I refuse to join the fight. I pull out my standard, "Yes! It's so great what your child can do. Amazing! They all develop in their own ways, don't they? It's such fun to watch them grow and learn."

It seems to diffuse the competitive spirit almost immediately, though with diehard competitors, it might take a few repetitions. If the person really won't let it go, I avoid him/her. But I've only had to do this once. It seems that competitive parenting is usually only fun if there's someone to compete against.

May I join the club of 'isolated parents'?

A few days ago I shared a little bit more about DD's problems at the school with a friend and she was ... furious!!! How did I dare to suggest that she needs a modification of the curriculum? Shame on me....

My parents, well my mohter, is a sympathetic listener, but I do not think she does have a real understanding of the GT issues. I can talk to her, but she does not give me any real feedback or advice. Well, at least she listens.

But in general, I feel more and more isolated. On top of that I am quite extroverted, wich means I NEED to talk. And the results is that I am having nightmares with DD's curriculum and going over and over it the whole night. DH of course is on my side but he is an introvert and does not like to discuss endessly the subjects that worried him, so I talk a lot to myself.

About competitive parenting, I agree with Kriston how to deal with it. I think it is great.

I think you all have a point about the competitive thing. I agree it's hard with someone to compete with you if you don't compete back!
I've sometimes wondered if what I'm interpreting as competetiveness, is the other's parents more underlying need to validate what they think they know about their child. That is, hey, my child is really smart and that's something special about them!
I feel lucky that I have chosen to have my children tested so I know exactly what I'm dealing with and don't have to question my instinct about my children's intelligence.
I feel for these parents that know in their heart that their child is gifted, but they have to wait for that letter from the school admitting the child to the GT program to have it "confirmed".
That's got to be a rough place to be. Having hard evidence of their potential also helped me be more proactive with the schools and didn't back me off when the school tried to manage my expectations.
I find that competetiveness just as annoying as anybody else, don't get me wrong. I just think in some cases there is more going on than meets the eye.

I

CFK, I didn't see your post as I was writing mine. Good points. I think you are right about that.
Those comments you mentioned are just downright rude!

I

Dottie, so maybe your friend just needs to hear that you think she did a good job as a parent? Remember my (borrowed) theory that we argue when we feel insecure, not when we know we're right? This seems to be a prime example of that! Maybe you really do just need to give her the reassurance you detailed:


Maybe giving her those pats would open the floor to discussing LOGs with her and freeing her up to accept the friendship in a more balanced way again. (Maybe not, but maybe.) If she thinks you hear her, maybe she won't feel the need to be competitive anymore?

You know how I feel about rampant emotionalism, but it seems like this is one case where the fact that you understand how she's feeling might really help you to connect better with her.

Just a thought...

Can't say I blame you!

Have a lovely, non-competitive lunch.

I also worked for about 20 years and my daughter graduated from a public school. My son is almost ten, so I am probably one of the few with an older child having to deal with isolation.

My life was very different while I was working full time. I had work friends. I dressed in nice clothes. People were nice and friendly to us. My daughter was physically gifted (a cheerleader) as well as above average in intelligence so she fit in beautifully in an area where you are a nerd or a geek if you are too smart and physical giftedness is more valued than academic giftedness.

We moved to a small town to be closer to my parents and because we thought a smaller school would be better for my son since he had motor delays and hypotonia in addition to being academically gifted. I didn't realize the public school in this town was known as the "sports school" and that we would have to homeschool for my son to have an appropriate education, so it was a big mistake, but we have to stay now for family reasons. My dad needs our help in taking care of my mother.

Last week, we just happened to look up the meaning of the prefix "iso" meaning equal, because my son still plans to try out for the spelling bee next year and we have just been going through the dictionary. He asked about the word isolated and said it must have come from something else. So we looked it up and it said something about an island and we both talked about how it felt to be on "our own little island" and how we will just have to make the best of it. We know that our little island is better than the one my parents live on. When my mother became ill, family members even stopped coming over to visit so we try to visit every day because we know how painful the isolation can be at times. I come home from those visits feeling like I have had the life sucked out of me sometimes but I think my son understands. I wanted my son to be able to attend school part time so he could get away from this at least some of the time but unless our laws are changed they don't have to help us with anything. It has been several weeks now and still no answer from my state senator and my state representative and no answer to my email to the Oklahoma State Superintendent of Public Schools.

What I worry about a little is that I don't push DD9 at all academically. (Or at least I'm afraid that I don't) because my internal model of learning is so self-directed. I do harp on about effort and justice and so on -- the playing violin is hard and you get better if you practice and you don't if you don't line -of -thinking. I think that I may be cheating her because I am more pg than she is and may make unwarranted assumptions that she gets everything instantaneously, too. (Grokking,,,)

When she doesn't get something right away she promptly does avoidance.., I try to catch that.

Ooops, I'm rambling in that INFP way...
Aline

LOL, aline! It was very interesting "rambling" though, if you think that's what it was. I personally enjoyed it and hope you'll keep it up!

LoriH
My heart goes out to you and your son...

I hear you on that one. Our problems arise usually from one topic - school choice. Why on earth do we drive 30-35 minutes one-way to a charter school when our school district lays golden eggs. Why, why, why. Uh, people let's stick with don't ask don't tell. It doesn't help that the school name includes the word gifted which i didn't even use in talking with others for months... and still often just say "charter" school.

You add to it - there are times I would love to use these women, these friends (mind you not random people or neighbors but true friends we've had for years) as a sounding board because sometimes I ask myself - why about the choice of school and whether we can make traditional public work.

I stopped saying hey my kid can by about 19 months. Then I'd safely point out when folks with similiar aged kids that weren't talking in paragraph form or at all.. and I'd say how she can walk right into walls... trying to play the 'hey she is just good at this' but that got harder to to and frankly when she was older it seemed silly. The lack of friend support on school choice is tough because I've always viewed my friendships as extended family. With the passing of both my parents the past few years... these relationships became even more important.

Someone had a good point that I've thought of and need to stick with - just ask questions, listen, and be interested in other people's lives. And keep school and GT issues off the table. If the market were better I swear we'd just move into a district with self-contained gt classrooms. And then we'd need to focus on the education piece without concerning ourselves to the location.

Thank you all so much. It was a crummy day when I posted... and while I don't wish ick on you ... it was nice to feel that it isn't just me.

I really do think people get defensive about parenting issues because we worry that we're not doing a good enough job. If the school system isn't good enough for your child, kickball, then they take it as an implied criticism of the job they're doing. Dumb response, but a very common one.

FWIW, I had the same problem with my mom, actually. She felt that because I did things differently than she did, it was a criticism of the parenting job she did. She fought me tooth and nail, criticizing me quite ruthlessly, on every decision I made that wasn't the one she wanted me to make (or the one she had made with me when I was a child.).

To make a long story short, it all came to a head in what wound up being a very productive conversation. I pointed out that most of my life is EXACTLY like hers--to a frightening degree, really. (Far more than my sister's life, and Mom's not threatened by her choices. Go figure.) The small things Mom and I differ on are not barbs I'm launching at her.

"Did you live your life and raise your kids thinking of your mom and how to irritate her? Or did you just try to make the best decisions you could?" I asked her.

That hit home, and she talked about how she felt her mother had always disapproved of some of her choices and how painful that disapproval was to her, when she was just trying to do her best through life.

Things got better fast after that. She stopped taking everything so personally. We get along better now than we have in over a decade.

I don't know if that lengthy, tangentially relevant story helps, but it was a case where someone was defensive and nasty because of insecurity, and it has a happy ending. So I thought I'd share!

I was eating chocolate easter eggs during one of the few quiet and still moments of the day, wondering when someone from the curriculum company would call me back, when I decided I was feeling rather isolated in this whole crazy new life.

I am SO glad I decided to hop online and read this thread!

Most of my friends are now getting their little ones registered for kindergarten. I get the question several times a week: "So, where is DS5 going to school in the fall?"

I am struggling with this new life. I don't know what to say! We haven't found our way yet. We have decided 100% that we are home schooling, which is what I usually tell my friends. Some of them ask why, but I most certainly do not feel like I can answer honestly.

We recently finished having DS5 tested. He was four at the time. Basically, we were told by the "experts" that he would be most appropriately placed at a third grade level in the fall, when he is eligible to begin kindergarten.

WHO in this city can I talk to about this without sounding like an obnoxious, bragging parent?!! There are certainly no parental support groups for parents with EG/PG kids. I have not found a soul. So I keep it to myself.

My husband and I have agonized over what to do and how to handle this information. Home schooling seems like the only appropriate answer at this point. And, I'm asking myself when DS will ever have a little buddy that he really loves to play with, are we making the right decision, will he be the "weird" little nerd we all remember growing up, which curriculum do I use, how can I keep him plugged in, and on and on...things you all probably ask.

SO... all of this is just to emphasize that I am grateful for this forum.

Thank you for these candid thoughts you have shared. You guys always inspire me by reminding me that I am not alone. Just a newbie and feeling overwhelmed.

I hear you alee31!

Don't count out buddies who aren't HG+ for certain things. DS6 has a good friend who I don't think is GT at all. They play Hot Wheels and spies and build dams in the stream together and such things.

Now, granted, DS6 is a bit of a chameleon, and he does boss the poor kid around more than the kid or I would like (!), but they are good friends and they spend a lot of time together! We're always on the lookout for GT friends, too, but for some activities with some kids, GTness is not required.

And FWIW, my usual response to the school question is "We're homeschooling. DS is pretty bright, and the local school just wasn't a good fit for him."

It's the least braggy, most honest way I know of to answer the question that doesn't make it sound like DS is a behavior problem. (My mom told people that "he was having trouble" or some such thing, and they all thought he was a bad seed. I'm not willing to go that route!)

Anyway, response has been almost universally positive, so it seems to work for us. I think the "pretty" in there makes it less threatening or something. <shrug>

At least it's another option for you to consider...

Ah, a friend of mine had her GT child at our magnet school for 3 years and then they moved about 20 minutes away to an area where the elementary school laid those golden eggs, so they switched him to the closer school. Well let's just say after one year at that school they are now back at our magnet. What is wonderful to a ND kid may not be so wonderful to a GT kid. She said he told her after Christmas that they were finally doing something he hadn't done in school before. That is one reason I've told my DH that we cannot move away from our school. It's a really good fit for my children.

I do think a lot of people argue out of insecurity concerning their choices. They are afraid they aren't doing the best thing for their children when you make decisions to do something else with yours. That is one reason I don't feel the need to argue with people, because I am comfortable with the choices I have made for my kids.

I also think all of this does get easier as your kids get older. My kids are the only ones in our neighborhood to go to the magnet school and the neighbors gave me grief when I first made the decision but now it's a non-issue. So hang in there, it does get better!

I love this! I am going to use "blursed" every relevant chance I get, and I will credit you with its invention. It's genius.

Very "Alice in Wonderland" of you to invent such a useful word like that!

Kriston - I like your response to those who ask about educational preferences. Short and simple and honest. I'll try that one.

Everyone -

Regarding friends, DS5 has never found a little buddy that he just really enjoys playing with. We are involved in lots of things around town. And he was in preschool for a year and a half, and now is in Mothers' Day Out, church activities, and MOPS. My point is there has been a lot of exposure to other children. We invite different children over to play, and try to create a lot of opportunities. Usually what happens is this: I gently but repeatedly have to remind him not to ignore his little buddy who's over playing. DS prefers to hang out with the adults, or with the toddlers and entertain them. I know he's just five, but it seems like most of the other children we know, even several years younger, enjoy playing with a few of the same friends again and again and seem to really have developed true friendships. DS is confident, friendly, never the shover/pusher/rowdy kid, and often approaches groups of children with, "HI, guys! Can I play?" He is perfectly content to go to a friend's house and explore his room and toys and ignoring the child mostly. Yet we have absolutely no indication that these behaviors are abnormal (I've shared with our family MD and with our psychologist who did all of our testing)- he's just happy doing his own thing most of the time. The only time I have ever seen him absolutely thrilled to be playing little boy games/anything imaginative with another child is with his cousin, who is about 3 years older. He ADORES him and loves to play with him. But he lives about 20 hours away and we only see him once or twice a year. I guess I've just seen the potential in him to really have FUN with another child and we can't seem to find a good fit around here.

I am planning to join the local HS co-op. I have been told there are quite a few little boys ages 5 to 7 in the co-op this year. Hopefully there will be a few little guys he just enjoys hanging out with. I would love to see him kick back and play with trucks and sticks and mud and just have a blast with another little kid.

Is this a commonality with EG/PG children or am I just overly concerned? (Apologies - a bit off topic.)

It's common.

Friends are friends. We've learned to try DS6 with various kids--just as you're doing--and see if he's happy with them. If so, regardless of age, they become a potential long-term friend. If not, then we move on with a shrug. But he does tend to like kids who are 2-4 years older than he is chronologically.

In fact, one of DS6.5's (and, for that matter, DS3.5's) best buddies is turning 10 this month and is quite GT in his own right (though admittedly with some emotional/behavioral issues that probably make his "real age" a bit lower than he might otherwise be given his GTness).

If your DS likes the older kids better, then I'd say don't fight it. Find older kids for him to befriend. Outside of the strict school setting (and even within it often!) chronological age is generally meaningless for friendships. Many kids--especially HSed kids--couldn't care one whit about age.

One other thought: is your DS an introvert or an extrovert? (And please note that I'm not asking if he's shy--shy and introverted are two different things.) Does he prefer time alone to recharge, even if he likes to be social? Does being social make him tired, even cranky? Or does he get energized by being with people?

Are you an extrovert? Do you crave time with people? Your posts make it sound to me like you might be an extrovert. That's important, too.

If your son is an introvert, he may just prefer to play alone a lot, and that's fine as long as it's fine with him. Ultimately, the big deal with friends is going from 0 to 1. If he's got one playmate that he sees semi-regularly and if he's happy, then he's probably not a kid you need to worry about.

If he has no friends of any age, if he's sad and lonely, or if he's an extrovert who is having trouble connecting with people, then I'd say (in my non-expert opinion) that there may be a problem.

Just be sure that you're not trying (with all the best intentions, of course) to turn an introvert into an extrovert. That would frustrate both of you unnecessarily. Everyone needs some social connection, but some people need significantly less social time than others. If you're an extrovert and he's an introvert, the amount of time he spends alone (especially when he's on a playdate!) may seem excessive to you, and the friendships he has may seem superficial, but it all may be perfectly fine for him. It just comes down to how he feels about it.

If it helps, I'm a reasonably well-adjusted and a highly social person, and I'm an introvert. I mostly preferred to play alone, especially when I was under 7, but I made friends, too. I just had mostly acquaintances and a very few close friends, and that worked for me. Nowadays no one can believe I'm an introvert, I'm so social. But I am. I enjoy being social, but I need my time alone before and after those social contacts just as much as I need air!

If your son is happy, if you're giving him opportunities for forming friendships, and if you and the doctor have ID'd no stumbling block to his making friends (e.g., hitting, evidence of social disorders, autism spectrum indicators, etc.), then he's probably fine.

Try events with some 7-9yos involved and see what happens. That may do the trick. And be sure that he gets time alone before the event if he wants it. ODing on social time can make introverts hide during social events...like playdates!



K-

VERY interesting...I've never really thought about it that way. Thanks for some thought-provoking possibilities.

I DO know that we have no worries about disorders at this point. I am confident of that. But I haven't thought about his possible NEED and CONTENTMENT to spend more time alone. He seems to be an extrovert, as my husband and I are. But he also seems content in a variety of situations. He plays well within a group of children - never meets a stranger at the park. I guess I'm just hoping for that one special little friend that he absolutely loves to hang out with. I will take your advice and try to plug in with a crowd a few years older. Hopefully the HS co-op will have a good crowd.

Thanks again,
Allison

I was feeling a little isolated last night when I went out with a group of mom friends. We were all catching up with each other and talking about how our kids are doing. Our kids all go to different schools and someone asked about how my kids were liking school. I said that they had great teachers this year and DS just got a new teacher that he really likes. One friend, who knows about the skip, chimed in to say that my DS was now in first grade. I felt a little awkward because I hadn't really meant to bring it up because it always feels like bragging. I was surprised to find out that the other moms didn't even know it was allowed or possible to get a skip!

They were very curious about DS and wanted to know what kind of things he is interested in. I told them that he right now he is really into Descartes' Cove and keeps bugging me to play it with him. I wanted to say more but I just left it at that...I don't think they are familiar with the game. I feel like I can't really talk about the stuff that he does with any of my friends...