Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy And perfectionism raises its ugly head again

DS8 has always had perfectionist tendencies. They have improved dramatically in the past several months, but part of this is because he has not had very challenging work in school. For the most part, he can half-listen to the instructions and then do the assignment correctly. So he is not used to having to listen closely and pay attention to the details.

So, now we finally have some math enrichment, (which took me several months of advocating to get!) and he comes home with a note on his worksheet that he had trouble understanding the directions even after they were explained 3 times and maybe some 1-on-1 at home would help. So I look at the problem, which was something I knew that he was capable of doing and asked him what happened. At which point he had one of his trademark perfectionist meltdowns and didn't want to talk about it. Sigh. I finally got the gist, I think, of what happened. He didn't listen very well to the instructions and just did it and then when she told him it was incorrect he just shut down. So she thought that he didn't understand it even after the additional explanations, but he did he just didn't want to do it at that point. Then, when he finally did decide he should do it, the class was over.

So we talked about how he will have to pay attention more in this class and listen(!) and even if he sometimes gets things wrong that's ok, that's how you learn new things. He goes to enrichment again today, so I have been wondering all day how it went!

I guess my question is: should I talk to the teacher about this or just leave it alone? The enrichment is taught by the GT teacher who is also in the process of evaluating for the GT program that starts in 3rd. But also, I don't want him to end up being taken out of the enrichment because his perfectionism is misunderstood as lack of comprehension (this hasn't been suggested, it's just my concern). He was perfectly capable of doing the assignment at home once he got past all the drama. And he really needs to develop those listening skills. I feel like he's gotten a bit lazy because he doesn't HAVE to pay attention, usually, in order to do well in a class.

If anyone has any suggestions on how (or if) to approach this with teacher and with him, I would greatly appreciate your insights!

DGS6 had a meltdown at school yesterday due to perfectionism, and honestly having no clue that he was disrupting his class or hurting his classmate's feelings. He needed a marker of a certain color to finish his art project. The classmate handed him a marker the right color, but it didn't match "exactly" to the one that had run out. He lost his whole recess, and still didn't understand at bedtime what he did wrong. He said the other kid must have done it on purpose and his project we ruined because they didn't match exactly.

So, I am very interested in any suggestions as it seems we have similar issues. My DGS will not do anything he doesn't think he can do perfectly. It is driving the school and the family nuts.

I would appreciate any insights from you or anyone else how to motivate and keep these little perfectionists moving forward.

LNEsMom: I'd definitely engage the teacher on it, because of the potential for this situation to be misinterpreted... and ESPECIALLY because this is the teacher who is trained in GT and will be evaluating your DS. You don't want her remembering this incident as a reason why he should not be in GT, you want her remembering it as a reason why he should.

leahchris: The best I can say here is that dealing with perfectionism can be a looooong process, with some wins and a lot of losses. This has been an issue for my DD7 for as long as she's been in this world. As a toddler she could have been classified as OCD... she panicked anytime she so much as spilled a drop of water on herself, and refused to step on the sand at the park. We helped her overcome those issues, and then she went to school, found herself unchallenged, and that became a brand-new source of perfectionism meltdowns.

We read a bit about giftedness and perfectionism, and we found a good kid's book on the same (this book, though it may be more suitable for girls than boys). We've also got her involved in outside activities that require patience, practice, and are challenging enough that you're guaranteed to not be perfect. Those activities are gymnastics, soccer, and guitar.

I decided to teach myself guitar as well. This gives me an opportunity to model the desired behavior... I play awfully, keep a good attitude, keep working at it, and then play noticeably less awfully.

We're seeing progress. Many times she practices guitar and she's got just the right attitude, but occasionally she freaks out about making mistakes. If we investigate, we usually find out the perfectionism meltdown isn't really about the guitar... there's something else that happened earlier in the day that she's upset about. Based on that, I think it's not so much the things we've done at home to help her with perfectionism that has improved her... it's how her school situation has (after many a heated discussion) improved for her.

The February SENG webinar about anxiety and 2E discussed perfectionism and one thing the presenter talked about was "assigning" a perfectionist a list of things they were required to fail at. It sounded more for older kids, like one thing on the list was to go to the mall and be rejected by x amount of potential employers... That's one idea, to allow them to be "perfect" with failure! To see how failure feels, how it fits. But you can also adjust it for the child's age, personality and interests.

We do alot of "how bad is this really?" like a reality check. It's very important to the little ones at the momemnt...that that color be just right, etc...that magic marker story could have happened to my DD, and she had some issues around stapling last year. These kids are so into their ideas, it's bigger than life almost.

I can't do too much about it at school and there are so many other factors at play there, but at home if this happens with homework or something we try to use humor. Since she loves science and loves extreme silly humor we usually do things like "will you not doing this your exact way cause the extinction of the human race?" or something to do with the universe, something really huge. If it's ridiculous enough scientifically, in her mind, she'll stop and reluctantly start giggling. We've been doing this for about a year now and she's really gotten to stop and think. You could try sharing the ideas with the teacher also.

Also now sometimes forcing her to "fail" on purpose, and then ask her if she's actually okay and she survived (check her pulse etc. just to have that dramatic silly humor that brings her around). As far as I know she has not had a meltdown this year in 3rd grade, her teacher reports a demonstration of tremendous self-control. Of course, she's exhausted after school but...one thing at a time.

LNEsMOM, in the past I'd be tempted to communicate with the teacher, but more recently (this year) I just coach DD at home and send her back in. I make her write her own reminder notes to, I started doing that during the last few months of last school year. I think this practice is really the best thing for her right now, though she's a grade ahead of your DS. That's what happens to kids that coast along without trying. I would hope the G/T teacher can recognize this. My DD's school think we're crazy for being concerned that she get 100s all the time. They don't understand what kind of parent would not be satisfied with that, but we say, "but she doesn't DOOO anything to earn those 100s...she's not learning good work habits."

If it were me, I'd probably send the teacher an email with your conclusions about what happened. Then seek the teacher's advice for dealing with a tendency to not listen and/or shut down when a mistake has been made. That way, you can re-frame the issue for the teacher.

As far as the perfectionism thing goes, we struggle with that, too. I agree with Dude that involvement in sports and music is very helpful. It has allowed my DD to focus on the effort and the process more than the end result. She knows she is improving over time and so mistakes along the way are not such a big deal.

We also try to model anti-perfectionism and stress that, if you aren't making mistakes, you aren't learning.

It isn't always easy, however. Just yesterday, DD was crying because she hadn't done as well on a computer math program as she had done previously. When I tried to stress that it wasn't such a big deal, she started talking about the single gifted kid from her class who is ahead of her in math.

I have noticed that she is okay making mistakes as long as she still believes herself to be the best in the group (whether it is true or not). If she believes anyone else can do something better than she can (again, whether it is true or not), she is upset. My philosophizing about how every person has different gifts, etc., falls on deaf ears. Gaah!

Thanks everyone, I think I will drop a note to the teacher. cmac, great idea to ask the teacher's advice on how to deal with the perfectionism! I am definitely going to use that approach.

And, this afternoon DS and I had a nice discussion about the assignment and we worked through a few of the other problems (she sends extra home for fun)without incident. So maybe it will be a good learning experience for him, making him realize that he needs to pay attention a bit more, at least during enrichment!

Also, he just started an exercise class twice a week that I think is working really well for his sensory diet and that seems to have improved his overall attitude significantly this week. It seems to me that when his sensory seeking needs are not being met his ability to self regulate other things is significantly reduced.

bzylzy, I love your "silly humor" approach! That is definitely something I think DS would respond to.

Good luck. It's a long windy road. Humor works the best with my DD and fits into the nature of our family. She definitely hits roadblocks, like when the OT was getting very firm with her about shoelace tying on Tuesday...didn't go over too well, but they'll try again next week. There are always those things that make her hit a wall, but we all recover and try again later.

She walks about 5 miles per week with school and we'll start swimming again, and riding therapy. Being outside is very calming for her, she would live outside if she could lol. I can see her working in some sort of animal or naturalist job when she grows up, not having to be enclosed in 4 walls for hours on end.