Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Feels like an outsider

My daughter is now 14 and a 9th grader. She is very depressed and said that she feels like an outsider. She will see a counselor this week, but there is only one in the area (2 hours) that takes insurance and not medicaid so we have no choice in therapists.

She has always been different and we have always let her be herself - except for being rude and developing good work habits. She is an excellent student - first in her class.

My heart just breaks for her and she said that nobody invites her anywhere and she is too shy to ask anyone. She is involved in school activities and does well in that format.

What am I looking for? Kindred spirits, similar stories, something to lift me a little

On the bright side, she will only be a teenager for a little while and some of this might just be the entire teenage/high school experience.

She was a little more accepted in elementary school. She is really feeling badly about herself and is getting so depressed. I listen to her cry, but I get so sad about it. Part of it is extreme shyness, but she is in a glee club and performs - and knowledge bowl and does well.

Thanks for the bright side. I hope college is better.

I feel your pain. My son is 13. Since he entered his teen years he has expressed more sadness about being an outsider in our small agricultural, football-obsessed town. It doesn't help that he has to wear a scoliosis brace that makes it impossible for him to participate in fun activities with other kids his age. He has been is in musical theater since age 4 but could not go to the last two cast parties because of the brace which is painful in addition to making him walk like a robot. He can't even stay the entire rehearsal. When he is there he can't really talk to anyone because he has to focus on learning his dances which is hard when he has to sit and watch part of the time because of the pain. Pain can make depression worse so there are days when we take mental health days. It is really hard when he asks me if there is really any light at the end of this tunnel and when he will be able to live a normal life and I have no answers. I can only be there for him as he goes through this. For a while we had fast enough internet so that he could play online multiplayer games and that helped but our internet keeps disconnecting and is very slow because of some problem with the towers that the company will not fix. To him it feels like things are only getting worse instead of better.

But through all his pain he noticed that others are also in pain and had very difficult lives, more difficult than his. He read a lot of the "we are the 99% letters." He has become very concerned about our government and we recently took him to his first political rally. He was surrounded by a lot of young adults talking about the issues he had been telling us about. He was so energized that he was able take the foot pain and back pain from standing longer than he is normally able to. He loved it. He felt so good about persuading his dad, who didn't like this political candidate, to go with us to listen and see what he was really saying instead of what the biased news media was reporting. He felt good when his dad said he liked a lot of what the candidate was saying. He also like that his dad talked to young man standing next to him that sounded like an older version of my son because he was very articulate, very passionate about his beliefs. This very attractive, intelligent young guy was from a small town, didn't do sports, didn't fit in, but he went to college and had just paid off his student loans. I liked this guy. When my husband mentioned that we homeschooled he told us that he thought it was good that we were homeschooling and that it was obvious that we cared. He said most of his teachers in school seemed like they didn't care and he had to learn on his own outside of school. This young guy might not have had a lot of friends in school because he didn't do sports but he is now doing very well because he focused on working and learning. I think my son will do the same. He can't do social things right now but he is probably reading and learning more than he would have if he were able to get out and do things.

I have always told my son that he would fit in when he goes to college but it seems like such a long time to him. He said a few weeks ago that he doesn't think he can stand living like this for so long, so I am also looking for ways to help my son feel like he belongs. I don't think a therapist would help my son and he doesn't want to go to another doctor--he sees enough of those already.

That is so hard. My daughter wanted to go to a therapist to have someone to talk to. She feels that she can't trust anyone anymore.

Have you ever heard of this program?

http://www.giftedstudy.org/

Summer Institute for the Gifted?

Maybe if she went to a program with a larger pool of kids she might find a kindred spirit or feel less like an outsider.

I would wonder if it just a teenage thing to say she "doesn't trust anyone anymore" or if something happened or is happening with the dynamic of the kids in the new grade. I've known three different moms, so far, with daughters who've been friends with certain girls and they "turn" on them or in one case, our neighbors' daughter was the one turning on another girl (per orders of the "leader" of the new group). All about that age, going from middle school to high school or in one case from elementary to the middle school.

I guess you hear so much about bullying lately my mind just went there as a possible reason she says she doesn't trust anyone anymore.

Thanks for the recommendation. She goes to a summer music camp in Colorado where she feels more "in". I worry about her overall feeling. Yes, she has had several friends tell private things about her and she is very sensitive about it.

That's so hard. I don't really have any other ideas. My daughter is only 8 and I can't even think that far forward, it's hard enough now.

I'm sure the counseling will help. It's very mature of her to want to go, that's a really good thing.

Ellipses,
I remembered what one of the moms did with her daughter (they lived in the last place we lived so my brain filed it away but it popped back).

Volunteer work, specifically with animals. Animals are very kind, don't judge, don't tell secrets and can be quite loyal.
But anything else, whatever works with your daughter and you can fit in.

Without going into detail, this girl, who was 14 at the time was very, very traumatized by the things that happened with the school (former) friend. She was falsly accused of something, it's a long story. She was very shy and also would never hurt anyone, very serious.

Anyway the volunteer work really helped her. She was fine in the end, the last time we saw them she had a really nice boyfriend and was happy with life.

Best of luck.

That is a really tough situation and it is unfortunate that there aren't more readily available therapy options. You may have already explored the option, but I'm wondering if there might be a good counselor she could connect with at school. Also, I would keep your eyes open for any other adults who she might connect with, maybe a neighbor or an aunt type of person. As a teenager it really did nothing to hear from my mom that teenage life wasn't forever, but hearing from younger adults like people in their 20s means a lot. Any meaningful volunteer work or community service opportunities would be great too. Seeing people like you who got through it means the world.