Thanks for your reply. The teacher uses a sticker chart and if he receives 4 out 5 stickers he gets a happy note. If he comes home without a happy note he is grounded from going outside. I told he today he needed to all 5 stickers since yesterday he had 4 sad faces. He has brought home 5 sticker before. He also had dance class yesterday and since this his 3rd time going I still let him go. So, yesterday he wasn't really punished. I know I need to be tougher on him but it's really hard because he is so sensitive.
I'd say this is too confusing. The teacher has her own rewards/consequences system in place, and you're basically telling him that failure to receive a reward at school will result in consequences at home. A reward should be rewarding, not an expectation. By making it an expectation, you're missing out on an opportunity to reinforce the school's message to him.
So rather, when he brings home a "happy note," I would reward him. Give him a hug, tell him good job, etc. A pattern of happy notes should result in extra privileges, a dinner at his favorite restaurant, etc. And let him know these rewards are connected to his good behavior at school. In this way the parent can reinforce the positive aspects of his behavior in school.
When there is no "happy note," I would do nothing different. I would assume whatever behavior issues were dealt with at the school, so there should be no consequences at home. There's an opportunity for coaching here, to get him to talk about what may have gone wrong for him that day, and suggest ways he may have dealt with it more constructively. In your case it may take some time for him to start opening up about this sort of thing, since you've tied his lack of happy notes to punishments, so it may take some time to convince him he's not going to be punished, that what happens at school stays at school (as long as it wasn't TOO bad), and you're just looking to talk. It helps to be nonjudgmental, and empathetic when he explains why he behaved the way he did, because often they're simply having an inappropriate reaction to a very appropriate emotion.
Then, once he brings home a negative note (4 sad faces), that's the teacher's message to you to "Please reinforce my message with negative consequences," because naturally there are few privileges a teacher can revoke, whereas you have far more power there. That's the point at which a punishment is appropriate.
One time I cut his hair too short and he was upset about it for days. He said his friends didn't like it and that he wanted kill himself. I thought that was too much, needless to say I never cut his hair that short again. I would gladly appreciate any discipline techniques that help you guys.
I second what was said before: any mention of suicide needs to be taken seriously. Go to a psychologist immediately.
As for his sensitivity... beware. Once he discovers that you can be manipulated by his emotional outbursts, he'll use it against you. You'll find yourself playing a game where you're guessing when he's being genuine and when he's faking it for your benefit. There's also a chance that your reaction rewards his meltdowns in other ways, because he gets comfort and validation from your reaction. I noticed that happening with my own DD7's meltdowns, and as I've been slowly tapering off my unconscious rewards for her behavior, I've noticed her meltdowns have also been winding down.
The best solution here is to be consistent. If he's having a meltdown you want to help him cope with the emotions in a safe and nurturing way, but the punishment is still in effect.
