Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Do You Brag (Or Do Your Friends Think You Do?)

http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/i-hate-hearing-about-your-gifted-child/

This post was shared on another discussion, and I really think it deserves its own conversation because it brings up so many issues that we, as parents of gifted children, face. Whether it is envy, insecurity, or some other emotion that evokes the attitude in the post above, it is something that each of us - and our children - have faced at some point or another.

I'd love to hear how your child or your parenting have been misunderstood and how you dealt with it. I've come to learn that there is a lot of wisdom on this board and look forward to what each of you share.

My own story that best define the misconceptions that others have about raising a gifted child:

My middle son was in seventh grade, had recently transferred from a private school into public, and was, shall I say, not putting forth anywhere near his best effort as he coped with the social and structural changes of the new school.

When his health teacher chided him in front of the entire class that he "wasn't stupid" and that she knew he knew the answer, he decided to teach her a lesson. I did not discover this decision for several weeks until a note came home letting me know he was failing all of his classes due to zeros. Mind you, not zeros for not turning in his work, but zeros on completed work, tests, and every other assignment. When I asked him why, his response:

"It's a lot harder to do all the work and get a zero than it looks. You have to pay attention or you accidentally get one wrong."

At this point, I decided that my whole attitude at gifted classes being "elite" was wrong, I went to the school counselor and asked that my son be screened. She looked at his grades and said that she refused to reward his poor performance with the "privilege" of being tested for gifted. She did the whole head-pat thing with me and said, "Every parent here wants their kid to be gifted, but, let's face it, most aren't. And your son obviously isn't."

My response thoroughly offended her, but I felt it needed said. "Anyone who wishes giftedness on their child has no idea the cost they are exacting on their child. A high IQ is not a ticket to being special or successful. It is simply the way a child is born, and with it usually comes challenges socially and emotionally that most children will never face. I wouldn't wish it on any child, but I embrace it completely in my own, because that is the way he's made. And I will do everything I have to to make sure he gets the services he needs to be successful."

I handed her a letter the next day requesting formally that my son be tested. When the screening was completed, the teacher who conducted the screening called and told me my son had scored higher on the test than anyone had ever scored at the school.

To this day (my younger son now attends that school) - almost 7 years later - the counselor still won't speak.

IMO, you weren't bragging and it would be hard for me to see how the counselor could have thought you were. You were helping your son, and it seems clear (to me at least) that you did exactly the right thing for him. If there was an emoticon for patting someone on the back, I'd place it here.

I define gifted-kid bragging as openly telling the world or anyone who will listen (whether they want to or not) about how smart your kid is ("You won't believe what he did today! And then he did this! And afterwards, he did that!!"). This could happen in a conversation at the park, at a birthday party, online, or wherever.

To me, the purpose of over-the-top bragging is for the parent's ego. This type of bragging doesn't consider the needs or desires of the child (e.g. does DS really want everyone knowing that he learned how to multiply when he was 4? Shouldn't his parents leave that decision up to him?). Obviously, sometimes we have to say things about our kids' abilities (to schools for example). This is not bragging: we are trying to meet our kids' needs when we do this.

Obviously, every parent takes pride in what our kids do. Being happy about the fact that your child got an A on a tough test or caught the winning pass is normal, and so is wanting to talk about it. This is healthy. But celebrating achievement in a healthy way is different from telling everyone how smart your kid is.

Of course, celebrating achievement can turn into over-the-top bragging too --- and again, when this happens, it's for the parent, not the kid.

I really don't agree with this. Other things being equal, it is better to be very smart than average in intelligence, just as it is better to be very attractive or very athletic than average in the domains of looks or athleticism.

I *did* want to increase my chances of having gifted children, and that's partly why I emphasized intelligence in potential spouses.

I found that article to be extremely hurtful. Too often I have sat back and listened to the accomplishments of typically developing children but feel that I can never talk about my own kids. When I do talk about my kids, it may be perceived as bragging though I'm just discussing our daily life. Our normal isn't everyone elses normal. On top of being gifted we are also dealing with Autism, SPD, CAPD, Hyperlexia, and some anxiety. It's not a walk in the park.

It is socially acceptable to brag about your child's athletic accomplishments, but not their intellectual ones. That's the society we live in. Anti-intellectualism has been a growing movement since the 80s. Sport good. Smart bad.

With that said, some people are going to interpret bragging where it never belonged. I gave an example in another thread where a mom overheard my wife and I having a conversation about DD's writing project, and the mom asked us about the project. I told that mom that my DD is gifted, not to brag about it, but because I didn't want her using that project as a measuring stick and wondering why her own DD's work was so far below that level.

However, just because I didn't say it to brag doesn't mean it won't be interpreted that way. For someone who uses their child as a source of personal validation and emotional support, any positive statement about your child will diminish themselves in their own eyes. As I've said elsewhere, that's not your problem, that's theirs.

Obviously there are plenty of parents of gifted children who use their children in the same way, and they give the rest of us a bad name. I've seen both sides of it, too... a gifted parent who is constantly bragging about her children, and then this same gifted parent publicly shaming her children when they grew up to be underachievers.

Anyway, this is why I have so little respect for the author of that blog post. She comes right out and admits that she had children in large part to make her feel good about herself. And since she can't get the validation she was seeking for raising a gifted child, she's trying to get it by acquiring acclaim for raising a polite one. It's got nothing to do with her child, it's all about her. Bleh.

If her child was gifted, I wonder how Joyce would have reacted when that child started outsmarting her at a very young age. It's been a bit humbling for me when my child has come up with better ways of doing things than the way I showed her. It happened much sooner than I would have imagined. I guess in some ways I wanted a child who was as gifted as me, but not necessarily more. You get what you get, though.

I was happy when I realized my child was intelligent, but what I wanted more for her was a happy, 'normal' life, I can't imagine anyone wishing what some of our gifted kids go through for their child.

We've only just been given the official 'gifted' label, and I'm having a really hard time wrapping my head around it because I've been so conditioned to not talk about it. When she started reading and writing at 4 and I mentioned it to her pediatrician he was very stern about not trying to make out she was something she wasn't, and my friends with older kids were quick to point out that other parents don't want to hear about what your kid is doing when their own isn't there yet. One of those parents btw, is constantly posting about their kids athletic achievements on Facebook, something my kid will never experience, but I don't chide them for it!

I'm ashamed of myself for hiding it, but I just don't want to add another level of stress to my life by talking about it, because there's no way it will be construed as anything other than bragging.

I don't try to brag nor mean to brag but honestly I often feel it is unfair that my friends with a typically developing child can proudly tell about their child's latest achievement, thing they learned, etc... But if I do it is percieved as bragging. I don't go out oft way to tell people but I proud off DD and what she does, not because it ahead, but because she is my daughter and I will be proud of her I'm everything. Would I have chosen this for my daughter just so I could feel good? Absolutly not. Her dad and I are gifted but moderatly so... I ache that for dd she will not have the "normal" childhood society ascribes but then this is her normal and as a parent, if she is happy i am happy.

Ps...typed on phone

I find that listening to others. Really listening. So when they tell you that their dd is unhappy having to go to a special class to get faster at adding talk about how frustrated you would be too. Help her advocate for her dd and encouage her to ask questions and get answers. Make sure she knows that there are a lot of very smart people hwho have the same problem with speed. Also, find something about that child that is above. Like compassion. I never speek of my own dd's compassion. I know that is what she is proud of in her dd. So, she listens to me. She understands that my dd has didffrent needs but we are advocating at the same school and that makes us friends. It helped a lot when the school identified the children and only 7 of them made the cut. Now she knows I'm not just bragging but that my dd really does have different needs and she can't identify, but she can support me. Just like I can't identify with making my dd study math facts or anything for that matter, but I support her being a good mom and advocating for her dd.

I saw this blog too and loved it. I agree, I have completely shut down talking about this -- in fact, I am "afraid" of anyone really knowing -- it is weird. I had so many negative responses from a young age that I decided I'd just hide out. Now I want to advocate within my district and I can't seem to get over coming out of the closet, so to speak. But, I will, and I have to, in order to do what's best for my daughter.