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When I was picking up my daughter from daycare today, my conversation with the care provider turned to behavior issues. She told me "Your daughter is our best behaved child... but also the most stubborn."

I thought it was pretty funny, because it sounds like it should be a contradiction, but it definitely isn't. My daughter is wonderfully behaved 98% of the time, and obliges every request without prodding... until she doesn't. When she makes up her mind that she doesn't want to do something, it's almost impossible to get her to do it. Sometimes I get lucky and I can changer her mind by reasoning with her. Otherwise it's a definite struggle.

Anyone else relate to this?

The teacher in my son's daycare, 4 year old room I think, was telling me that he was the most polite child in the room. While she was telling me this, and I was struggling to understand, DS decided that he had been ignored long enough.

He started yelling 'EXCUSE ME' at the teacher at top volume, as he got up right next to her and continued even as she said 'wait a minute honey...I'm almost done talking to mommy'

In my imagination he almost climbed up on her feet and pulled her down to his level by her hair. He didn't but it had that insistient feeling and I was so embarassed.

Me: How can you say he's polite? He isn't giving you an inch of space?
Her: Because he never forgets to say 'Excuse Me.'
Me: (meekly) oh

Part of the reason I had originally agreed to working and having our son in daycare is that I had the idea that my social skills were poor, and that by throwing DS in with 'normal' kids and 'normal' adults from an early age he would learn to navigate a wider range of social circumstances than I did. I was a great beliver in 'nurture' back then. Not so much since that day, though.

((shrugs and more shrugs))
Grinity

I have three like that. Accommodating until they're not, and then nothing will budge their refusals.

My son got a D+ in AP Calculus in high school because he refused to do the homework. Why? Because on the first day of class the teacher said it was optional. When enough kids didn't do the homework, he changed the rule. My son decided it was unacceptable to change the rules halfway through the semester, and his refusal to do the homework almost cost him his graduation. And despite this, the teacher loved him. We saw the teacher the other day in a store, and he told me my son was a delight in class.

Hang in there - you're in for a lot of fun over the next several years.

LOL- I have the same reaction and actually wondered why we needed to do homework if we already had the concept!? Can't we just move on?? LOL...that's why I score 100 on tests and got a C, I HATED homework. BUT was a very engaged student

YIKES- Nick's wicked polite, well behaved at school, empathetic with the teacher cleaning up someone else's mess and will go help her out unasked, YET... he's soooo stubborn and feels he's on par with the teachers will argue a point (politely)

sigh.

DS was in a daycare for 10 hours over 5 days. I had asked him to be nice to them, so he was... except when they tried to get him out of the firetruck without answering his questions first.

They were confused, and concerned he'd been hurt. Except he stopped crying very suddenly. So they guessed it was ok. But they were very confused. I answered his questions as best I could later in the day

-Mich

I used to bribe DS to get in the car and buckle up by telling him I woiuld explain as soon as we were under way. LOL

I got a C in Algebra II for my first semester for a somewhat similar reason. Homework was not optional, but it was never checked until the end of the semester, at which point the teacher would randomly choose 10 assignments, and you had to produce them from your homework binder, and these ten would be the basis for your homework grade. Since I was still getting As on the tests without doing the homework, I didn't see much value in doing any individual assignment that may or may not be required.

I wasn't so perfectionist that a B in a demanding class was unacceptable, but a C was intolerable. So next semester I managed to scramble to put together enough homework assignments at the last minute that I pulled up my average to a B-. My Trig/Pre-calc class the next year had the same homework policy, and I got Bs in that, too.

At my DD(2)'s 2 year old apt last month the doctors and nurses kept gushing on and on about her, how smart she was ect. ect., my daughter was eating it up, reading off the letters from the older kid's eye chart, pointing out shapes on the carpet, remembering all their names, talking to them, asking for the doctor by name, prancing around ect. One nurse actually said, "I would love to spend one day with her, just one day."

Literally I wanted to laugh (and cry). I love and enjoy DD so so much, but she is also so so intense and so challenging at times!! She is either so much fun, interesting, and insanely engaged, or is throwing these huge tantrums that can last up to 2 hours, debating w me over what to wear in 20 degree weather, ect. I sometimes feel like I have a teenager with the way she can argue and negotiate with me. Her sentences are 9+ words so it's not a communication thing, I think it's just a stubborn thing.

My friends who are around us often joke about how different she is from the other kids, both in what she says ("mom, don't forget your phone and keys" as we are leaving the house) and in how she acts (we will be at music and she will go and lay down on floor and tap her feet to the beat when everyone else is dancing, and when everyone else is trying to play the instruments she will be taking them apart and put them back together, ect).

I think we have to enjoy the wonderful moments and make it through the other times. Speaking of the intense tantrums/stubbornness/negotiating, anyone have any advice??? She is 25 months.

(One way I have found that DOES calm her is asking her what letter words start with. She loves that game and gets such pride in saying the correct answer. She will often ask me to ask her.)

Re: tantrums

DW and I always had this theory that the "terrible twos" were reflective of parents radically changing the way they deal with their children. Parents initially think their children won't understand discipline, and then when they decide to try it later, the child who is used to getting their own way revolts. So we introduced timeouts very early on, and we enjoyed some very delightful twos.

Not sure if that applies to your situation, but it's worth bringing up.

Otherwise, we employed some principles that worked for us. I'm sure some people will argue with some of them as being inappropriate for their own child, but we all get to parent the children we have. The biggest principles we employed besides this were:

- Be absolutely consistent and predictable. All persons involved in supervising her at this age should be in agreement on what is acceptable behavior, and how you'll respond to both appropriate and inappropriate behavior.

- Never reward a tantrum by giving in to her demands, or by bribing her with something else. It just teaches her that tantrums are an effective social tool.

- Never make a threat you don't intend to follow through with. When you tell her she's lost a privilege, do not rescind that later. It just undermines you.

- Model the behavior you want. Be extra polite and respectful to her. (My DD is the only person I've ever said, "Yes, ma'am" to)

- Always answer her questions, especially about the rules you've made. If you can't explain why you have a rule, you probably shouldn't have it. The exception is where the information is not age-appropriate.

- Always listen to her perspective, but also set a limit on debates. When the conversation has reached a point where there's nothing further to be gained, end it.

In addition, I find it's helpful to explain to kids how parents have rules, too. We've explained to DD how she has certain rights that we are not allowed to violate. So, for instance, if she wants to stay up late on a school night, we can explain to her that she has a right to good health and a good education, sleep plays an important role in both, and so allowing her to stay up late is not up to us, it's simply not an option. It's a roundabout way of saying "this is for your own good," but the upside is she then gets that without us having to say it... because honestly, whenever someone says "this is for your own good," do you ever believe them?

Hope any of this helps.