Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion tattletales...

here's the set up...

Kid A "tattles" on kid B at almost EVERY Girl Scout meeting lately. Kid B is not hurting anyone physically or engaging in dangerous behavior. I do give Kid A credit for coming to me with what she feels is a problem, but I don't exactly "believe" Kid A's assessment of the situation. Not that she is lying, but that she should solve these issues herself or that she is making a big deal out of nothing. I need to have a chat with Kid A's mom because this is really wearing on me (I'm the GS leader).

Kid A is kind of a bossy pants and an instigator (the kind that starts something then runs off before the real trouble starts) and used to being charge (like her mother). Another mom tells me that Kid A was the ringleader of some bullying and exclusion directed at her son when they also went to this school. We had Kid A over to spend the night last year and I caught her and my DD trying to PULL the younger kid out of bed so Kid A could sleep in her bed. When asked "Who's idea was this?" my kid said "Kid A" and Kid A said nothing (lying by omission?).

What I THINK is really happening...Kid B (yes, my kid), now that she is out of that oppressive school seems to be trying to find her voice and developing confidence and a backbone. Plus she's stubborn as all get out. I admit that lately she seems to be overcompensating at times, being a little extra bossy herself. I think that...

1-Kid A has seen Kid B get in trouble so many times that any friction is now blamed on Kid B...
2-Now that Kid B has developed some esteem, she isn't letting herself be pushed around by Kid A and Kid A doesn't know how to react...
3-Kid A enjoys those kind of games kids play that are ambiguous in rules and is the sort to lead the game, then change the rules partway through when she's not winning...and that's not a judgement, I notice lots of kids are like that and lots of other kids don't mind those kinds of games, but my kid (Kid B) is literal and inflexible with things like that.
4-I think Kid A tattles to deflect attention from herself. Her mother claims she is a "truth teller" but Kid B breaks down INSTANTLY when she is trying to lie...I have SEEN Kid A flat out lie with a straight face...

Kid B isn't complaining about Kid A, but I'm BEYOND exhausted with Kid A's constant tattling! I need to say something to her mom, but obviously, Mom A is going to get defensive, etc...I'm so used to my kid getting in trouble for things that I have really started to look at the whole situation and I'm pretty sure Mom A still has blinders on when it comes to her kid.

Mom A and I are GS leaders together and I think some of this stems from that...the whole "leader's daughter" thing, I'm sure you've all seen that...plus Mom A and I are both pretty strong personalities, so I can see where both girls would feel that they are "right" no matter what...

I'd like to hear some suggestions on what I can do to bring this up to Mom A and try to discuss it in a way that she really HEARS me but at the same time, not sounding like I am attacking her DD. Personally, I think this is kid's stuff and they need to work it out between themselves, but that doesn't seem to be the "popular" parenting method lately, lol!

2giftgirls
wow that does sound exhausting. I don't have any words of advice for dealing with the mom - in fact I am not sure I would handle it directly as its the rare parent who takes to heart accusations against their kid that they did not see.

However, with the kid, I have seen this, my DS was just destroyed by two mean girls in pre-k exercising this behavior and they LOVED to come up to parents who were watching them play and say so and so did this, is doing this, etc. I and other parents started saying things like, oh I am sorry to hear that. And then nothing. Yes, that must have been upsetting, and then nothing. oh are you hurt? And then nothing. So there was no follow up from the parent toward kid b. We did not demand kid B explain, or go find out what happened. Basically, we acknowledged Kid A, yes we hear you, but then took no action - unless of course something serious was accused or witnessed by a parent. They were merciless and it was twofold - 1) to get kid B in trouble but 2) to get the parent attention. I found it was necessary to deny both - and maybe it will lower your stress level too!

DeHe

Except for the tattling part, I've been in this same situation. Kid A lives across the street from us, she's a little older than Kid B (my DD), and her parents have taught her that the best way to get what she wants is to be relentlessly annoying about it. They're the kind of parents you can annoy up to a point, at which time they'll finally give in just to shut the kid up. So Kid A and her older brother both are completely inflexible kids, and will bully, cajole, and plead whenever they're even slightly rebuffed on something they want. What they'll never, ever do is stop.

Well, I can't say never, because when Kid A was over at our house, and she tried that with DW or myself, she learned to take no for an answer from us.

Unfortunately, she never learned to take it from Kid B, and so it's been a constant circus between the two. For the most part DW and I stand apart from it and let them work it out between themselves. We coach them on how to find common ground, and we also coach DD on how to deal with conflict. When their relationship started, Kid B (then 2) would just do whatever Kid A said, because she was trying hard to be A Good Girl and she thought arguing with her friend was bad behavior. So she'd let herself get pushed around until she snapped, and there was a punching incident, and another where I caught Kid B trying to shove Kid A off the top of her slide (a 3ft drop, but still). They were enrolled in the same dance class, and DW watched as Kid A hounded Kid B over the pink star (a mark on the floor) for the entire class, while the teacher and Mom A did nothing. There was another Kid C in that class, and Mom C pulled her kid out of Kid A's dance class AND private school because of Kid A's incessant bullying. I think that may also be why she moved out of the neighborhood.

So... that's where it started, and though Kid B has learned more constructive ways to be assertive, the issues have persisted, with crying jags on both sides. They periodically hate each other, and then they miss each other and want to play again, so too much time together seems to be a problem, and brief separations seem to be very helpful. We chalk it up to kids being kids and think it's a good learning opportunity for both of them.

Unfortunately, Mom A didn't feel that way. She called up DW because Kid A had been crying too much, and decided to use it as an opportunity to instruct DW on how to be a proper mother. Her little dearie wasn't the problem, ours was, and we need to immediately intervene and solve the kids' problems like she does, blah, blah blah.

Strike one.

Family D moved into the neighborhood recently, with a Kid D our kids' age, and Kid D had been playing a lot with Kid A and B. In fact, Kids B and D are classmates. Mom A decided to go talk to Mom D and set her straight on a few things... what a terrible kid Kid B is, along with a few choice comments about Mom B, and Family B in general.

Strike two.

Mom D reported all of this to Mom B, and as it included information that Mom D could not have learned from any other source but Mom A, plus if Mom D has a fault it's being overly honest and forthcoming (I really didn't need to know how much milk she produced, thanks), the information was deemed 100% credible. So when Mom A came to apologize to Mom B and begin smoothing things over, and Mom B confronted Mom A with the things she'd said to Mom D, Mom A denied saying them, placing the blame on Mom D for trying to stir up trouble.

Strike three.

The kiddos have made up and desperately want to play together, but since the parents can no longer be respectful to each other, that is no longer an option.

Sorry, I wish this story had a happier ending.

We handle tattle-taling the same as DeHe. When one child starts to tattle we interrupt and ask the following questions:

Is anyone hurt and bleeding? (We had to add the bleeding part in due to my daughter being a big of a hypochondriac, lol)
Is anything broken?

If the answers to these are 'no' then the child is sent off to go do whatever they were doing before.

thanks for the reminders!

I do generally handle tattletaling in Girl Scouts in that way, but I think I'm caught off guard, knowing that, in the past my child has been the "bad kid" and I think this label is persisting in Kid A's mind...Kid A does do things like point out others faults to deflect from her own bad behavior.

I asked DD if Kid A has been mean or bossy in the past, etc, but DD says no. I disagree and I would say this is an UPSIDE of having an emotionally detatched kid is that this behavior doesn't seem to be bothering her.

We had a rash of tattletaling last year with the kindergardeners and that's how I handled it, "Is anyone hurt?", "Is someone breaking the rules?" etc or even just holding up my hand and asking "Are you going to give me useful information or are you just tattle taling?"

So I'm going to go back to that...it IS exhausting and I think you are right DeHe, about the mom. I have brought up other issues with her DD before and I don't know if she just ignores me or what...there was another incident last year involving the two of them and a third child and Mom A dressed Kid A down on the playground before school where everyone could see and TOLD ME that I needed to straighten out my kid too. I chose to ask my DD quietly, then discuss it in more depth at home. I don't think Mom A agreed with my perspective on what happened, especially when I told her I thought she had been too hard on her kid that time...

Ah, Kid A & Mom A. Two people I do not miss. That girl is trouble with a capital T. She's a bully & her mom will not see it. The thing with her level of bullying is that it is mostly by pushing others to do her dirty work. (ie; she is upset with someone so all others in her posse must ostarcize another) Mr. B (my DS) does not miss her one bit. I'm sorry yours is getting it from her now. She used to try & blame all sorts of problems on my boy before we pulled out. And my boy being the pleaser he is would roll over. Not anymore.