Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school Learning too much from TV?

islandofapples... boy, do I get your husband. I'm an avid gamer who has been nagged by the wife about it, and I'm also former military with very little regard for the type of authoritarianism and structure it involves.

But yeah, he needs to get over it. I hardly play games anymore, because who has time? I have a brother who finds the time, but he's pretty much neglecting his daughter to do it, and I want to throw things at him. I have another brother whose wife was on Facebook games all day, and she's finally curbed that only because he threatened her with divorce... it got THAT bad.

Nicely played on the babysitter - Farmville thing. As for schedules, I'd remind him that regardless of whether he thinks he needs a schedule, the baby does. Babies don't know what's going on around them and why, they're very confused and insecure, and a reliable pattern of behavior helps give them that sense of security they need.

Once you get him agreeing to a daily pattern for the baby, then he naturally has to fall into a daily pattern to help provide it. If the baby is up by 9:00am, he has to be, too. Other than that, you can ask him to block a certain amount of time each day for his tasks... so if he's going to be working on a programming project, just ask him to spend a certain number of hours on it (otherwise he's not being serious about it), a certain number of hours with the kid, etc. How he uses that time can still be left up to him, just as long as he's hitting those targets. I'd also say that the kid doesn't need him in her face all day long, so he can be rewarded with an hour of Xbox a day. He's still got a lot of flexibility, so if the project is getting frustrating and he needs to step away, he can do that and zap aliens for 20 minutes.

One suggestion I'd make is that the next time there's an issue with how he's spending time with the baby, rather than confront him and argue about it (remember, he doesn't like authority), talk to him about your own feelings about how doing the professional thing is conflicting with your desire to nurture your daughter. Guys love to hear about problems, and our first instinctive reaction is, "How can I fix this?" Then he feels like he's choosing to be a part of the solution, rather than being ordered into it.

I see an opportunity for a new game product here: "Virtual Caretaker".

One could take digital pictures of room interiors from a home, then input them into the software component, which would build a 3D model, and do the same for the exteriors of player/sitter and baby. One could then add behavioral characteristics for each person, perhaps even recording voice samples: "Feed me", "Not now-- Daddy's busy... FATALITY!", etc. One could even input models of the real baby's toys, so the simulated baby could play with them.

Points could be awarded and retracted in various ways. The simulated player could rack up points in embedded video games on a screen-within-a-screen, perhaps piped-through software titles actually owned by the player/sitter. Changing the baby too often would result in fewer points due to inefficient use of gaming time, while if one let a poopy mess go for too long, one could lose points for a resulting rash or chemical burn. Too little attention over a long period, resulting in a substantial developmental or emotional deficit, could result in loss of "justice points", in severe cases leading to the dull interior of a simulated cell and a game-over condition. But that's the beauty of the game-- it would all be simulated. No harm, no foul.

And as players became increasingly addicted to the game, one could introduce spendy new hardware extensions, perhaps beginning with body-motion sensors for the real-world baby, allowing for real-time duplication of its movements within the virtual world. The way would then be prepared for the pi�ce de r�sistance: a full-functioned robot body to duplicate the movements of the virtual sitter, which would continue to be driven via hand controller by the real sitter. A responsible parent would only have to make sure that the robot's battery stayed charged, and could leave the home with greater confidence than ever before.

I think one of the reasons my son could decode words that were spelled out for him starting at age 2 1/2 was because he watched shows like Between the Lions and Sesame Street. I also remember watching old Electric Company reruns with him at about 2:00 a.m. when he could not sleep. We also read together a lot.

I am not sorry I let him watch educational television which I think might have contributed to his ability to spell and to read at a 5th grade level in kindergarten, but then he also played educational video games like Reader Rabbit First Grade at age 3. I think it was probably a combination of all of these things and he really enjoyed doing them.

I completely understand the deep resentment at the idea of a schedule that is imposed from the outside. But a schedule that you build yourself to take control of your own life, to ensure that you get to do all of the things you want to do and meet your own personal goals, is an entirely different animal - it is a tool to help you meet your needs, not a prison. You make it, and you can, at need, change it if it isn't working well for you, or if there truly is a good reason to modify it on a given day. There is no requirement to get up early to have a schedule, BTW. Your schedule starts when you do. Having blocks of time set aside where you each know that you have nothing you need to do but work on your projects, and even blocks of time where you are free to play video games or read or sleep without interruption, as well as blocks where you are each only working at being a parent, can really do a great deal to relieve the stress of feeling like your are multi-tasking 24/7, and might really help you both enjoy the time you spend with your child more, as well as helping you both be more productive.

It might be helpful to collect some baseline-type data over a week or two to see when, on average, each of you actually gets work done (or seriously wants to and feels capable of doing so if not interrupted), so that you can be sure to schedule that person's baby-duty-free work time during a time when they can actually get work done effectively.

If you approach the idea of a schedule as "I want to be sure that you have uninterrupted time during the week to get everything that you need to do accomplished, so let's work out when I need to take care of the baby and when you can take the baby, and when we might realistically need to have an in-home sitter..." it might seem much less like the military regimentation he loathes and more like a way for him to get what he needs.

Aculady,
I'm going to keep trying novel ways of approaching this, but I've said all these things and more to him. Doesn't matter. He feels he shouldn't have to set aside blocks of time. It's not really a rational response...just his gut response to planning anything.

He seriously hates planning. Hates it. I was so proud of him the few times he's planned something... like made reservations for us. I'm the planner around here. I can't take all the credit for us getting things done, but it sometimes feels like if I didn't take charge, we'd just let life happen to us instead of actively deciding what we want to do with our lives. I'm OK being the one like this... Two people trying to be in control doesn't usually work well. If we both were like this maybe we'd butt heads a lot.

He really knows how to get things done once he has a clear goal in mind...

Confession and my own very invalid opinion.

I've got my "nose buried in my iPhone all day". �My husband complains about it. �Well, he calls it making an observation. �I think it's just rude. �He doesn't get to say much about it, just that one phrase "nose glued to the phone". �I don't defend myself and we don't really argue about it. �We're not young. �We're pretty old. �

He did make me feel a little bad about it until I remembered I've always been this way. �It used to be a book instead of a phone. �I realized that one time when I thought about saying �"fine, cut the stupid phone off just so you'll stop saying that stupid line." Then I realized I would just replace the phone with a book. �Then I realized how rude he's being "just making an observation" (aka a complaint) about a personality trait that is really just how I've always been. �

Guess what. �That used to always be a book. �My mom nagged me constantly saying, "you can't read a book and watch tv at the same time." why?!��

That's a compromise. �See if he'll switch to a handheld video game. �Tell him to sit and play it in the girl's room and at the park. �It fits in your back pocket for a few minutes to interact and stay connected with the kids, instead of glued to the couch. �It's the difference between being glued to the �screen or being slightly adhered.

I'm not saying it's the best practice or the developmental theory research, it's just how I feel. �Besides I have different beliefs and values about truth and fiction and pixels and censorship and screens in general.

I have advice for great screen stuff for your kid or educational things your guy could do with your kid, if this thread turns that direction. �HtH, signed,��a video game vegetable a bookworm.

I wasn't going to chime in, but I've continued thinking about this thread today so thought I'd share my thoughts in case they resonate at all with what you're going through.

First thought: all of my kids spent a great deal of time entertaining themselves, and it did wonders for them as wee ones and as adults (for the older two thus far). When my husband and I got into a lengthy conversation at a restaurant, our kids entertained themselves with games they made up such as 50 Ways to Fold A Napkin, battle games using salt and pepper shakers, dirty plates and utensils. When we visited friends who didn't have children, our kids found ways to keep themselves occupied without destroying their house or tormenting the cat. So your daughter playing alongside your husband isn't a bad thing. She feels safe in a parent's presence - safe to explore her environment and learn on her own.

As to the video games, my husband is a programmer and was an avid gamer when we married. At first I was hurt, then I was mad and then I figured out it's how he kept the rest of his brain quiet enough to think about things. Plus, it gave me space to write in peace. My daughter told me recently that when she was little, she thought she was a pro at Rebel Assault because she sat in her daddy's lap while he played. Unless your husband is truly neglecting your daughter, I'd say leave it alone. You all have a massive amount of stress on your plate right now with a shifting in parental duties, who is the bread-winner, and the financial stresses I'm sure those changes have also brought about. My bet is that his gaming is an escape he desperately needs right now as he sorts out his feelings, fears, and his future.

And, lastly, planning. Some people are planners, and some aren't. You'll likely never make him a planner. How lovely that you have one of each to balance you both out. He'll help you decompress and find the whimsy in life; you'll bring the energy and focus to bring your mutual dreams to fruition.

Here's wishing for all the best for all of you as your sort out your new roles.

My son can read a book or iPhone and watch TV at the same time, but now he listens to Youtube videos while playing video games while the TV is on.

Last summer at his musical theater camp he occasionally had to babysit the little kids in the acting group and he managed to read on his iPhone and pay enough attention to the little kids that they were happy. Little kids like him. I think he will be a good dad some day even though he will probably have some version of an iPhone in his hand while he takes care of his kids.

I know that I found "Smart, But Scattered" really helpful in assessing my own strengths and weaknesses in executive functioning, including planning and prioritizing and task initiation. The book also has some good information on using your strengths to compensate for and remediate your weaknesses. But that is only likely to be useful for someone who is interested in improving their skills in these areas.

If he is good at getting things done once he has clear goals, then finding ways to make it easier for him to set clear goals and keep them in front of him sounds like it might be a place for the two of you to start. How does he want your child to think of him? Maybe a mission statement would help him define this. Once he has a specific goal, then he might spontaneously start looking at what he needs to do to meet that goal. It might even help him to write it up formally and post it where he can see it. We keep a calligraphy piece hanging on our wall in the family room that has the Nine Noble Virtues (courage, truth, honor, fidelity, discipline, hospitality, industriousness, self-reliance, and perseverance) on it, to remind everyone in the house to embody them. It sounds corny, but it really does help in those not-infrequent moments when we want to just zone out or avoid dealing with something difficult or unpleasant.

Bottom line is that he is an adult, and it isn't really your responsibility or prerogative to change him, but it is your responsibility to ensure that you and your child are getting what you both need in order to be successful. If that means an engaged and present in-home sitter for your child while you work at home during the day and a part-time job for your husband to pay for it, that's certainly one option you might explore. He might really prefer that to being responsible on an ongoing basis for child care while you are working.

Why, hi, long lost twin sister!

And yes, somehow books are a lot more socially acceptable than phones. I even had an argument with my mother about it last month. Hello? Stanza and Kindle apps on the iPhone?? RSS feeds for major newspapers???

As long as I refill milk, cereals, bread, and "why don't I have the right count of chocolate chips on my toast, mom?" more or less as requested during breakfast what does it matter if I read this forum or the nutrition information for above said cereals? (can't wait for the kids to figure out how to prepare breakfast on their own, personally)