Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional I do NOT want to be in charge of my son's homework

Argghh! (That should set the mood sufficiently.)

My son came home with his progress report for the halfway point for this grading period in his 6th grade classes, and after setting in place what we thought were good steps for him to be responsible for his own work now that he's in mid school, it is clear they are not working. He has 2 D-'s and 2 F's ... all for missing work. His dysgraphia-induced dreamy state of mind at school is making it extremely difficult to create some successes in this area.

Our steps we set in place already:
1. The entire student body carries with them a planner with room to write assignments each day for each class, so he keeps this with him at all times.
2. At the beginning of each class period, he takes out his planner and writes down the homework assignments written on the board. He does this faithfully.
3. He checks the planner during snack when he gets home to determine what work he finished in class and what needs to be done.
4. He completes all unfinished classwork, homework assignments and works on projects right after snack and before playing.

And with this plan in place, he has 7 zeros in social studies, 13 zeros in Science and 5 in Math.

He has no zeros is Literature, because the teacher adds any additional assignments to the board that may be added during class and verbally reminds my son to add them to his planner. He has an A in the class that should be his hardest (since it includes spelling tests, reading tests, etc.). Likewise Band and Computer classes are A's, because they are predictable.

Here are where I see the problems and where I am hoping you all have suggestions for remedies:

1. If the teacher mentions things during the passage of class time that is considered homework or if, for example, a take-home test is given out during class, because this is not on the board, my son does not register that this is homework. He is genuinely surprised when he finds out he should have brought it home and finished it, because it wasn't on the board.

2. He completes work, puts it in his binder in his backpack and promptly forgets about it. When it is collected the next day, his is not in the pile, either because he forgets that he did it or he's off in his own world when the teacher asks for it.

3. He will avoid at almost all costs approaching the teacher to ask what assignments are missing or to advocate for more time for an assignment that he finds particularly challenging, either due to the large amount of writing for the assignment or some other task that makes it harder to process.

This leaves me with a kid who is perceived by these two particular teachers as lazy and careless. The remarks in their online grade book make it clear they think he's faking it when he says he forgot about an assignment, doesn't have his assignment, etc. One note said: He "forgot". AGAIN.

I really don't want to get in the middle of the process and be the nag every day - because that will set up the pattern that he will learn to depend on me instead of learning processes that give him independent success. By the same token, the hands-off approach has obviously failed big time.

Any suggestions from those of you in the trenches who've been down this road before? Anything you can add is greatly appreciated.

504 plan, with an educational accomodation that each teacher must sign agenda daily. We would be lost without that.

Sorry I can't offer suggestions, but can offer empathy. We have just started down the path to get 504 accommodations and I've already realized that my DD (most likely dysgraphic) also has problems when assignments are added or changed during class. While she hasn't yet had any zeros, she has had assignment grades drastically reduced.

My D is 16 and still has the problem of not always getting the full assignment. These days she typically chats/emails with a friend in class after dinner to make sure she has it all covered. She still isn't writing it down/getting it in class, but at least she has developed her own backup system. Sigh.

Somehow she has gotten better about turning things in, even though her "folder"/organizing papers is in complete chaos (always). I don't know how she has done that, except I know she isn't using her locker (takes her full backpack to every class). So if she figured out that something is due, at least it is probably with her somewhere.

Her solutions have not been elegant, but I guess they are working for her most of the time.

I would think, with the dysgraphia, you could get that 504 or even an IEP. Have you had a talk with the teachers and pointed out how he needs to SEE it in writing?

Thanks for all the responses. It's good to know I'm not alone and the advice is much appreciated.

He has an IEP in place, but it will need to be amended to address the teacher signature mandate. All but two teachers (one who used to teach special ed and the other with a sister with dyslexia) have been actively resistant to having to get more involved with keeping him on track. They would like to make it my responsibility, but the disconnect is happening in the class. So that is where it needs to be changed. I think the signature idea is great.

I wish I could say he is distressed or feeling like a failure, and this was driving him to find solutions, but in reality, he's a little surprised I'm concerned. "I'm learning the material, Mom," he says. "Why do they need a bunch of paperwork to prove it?"

Thank you, eema, and I do know where you're coming from. I guess my resistance is based on what I learned with my older gifted son - that once I "owned" and got involved in the process, he checked out and let it be me who was frustrated, worried, etc. I wanted to do it differently this time around so as not to do that to this one. But I'm thinking with the 2e, it probably isn't as black and white.

My DS15 absolutely needed me to 'be his frontal lobes' in 6th grade, and gracefully transitioned to a light hand on the tiller in 7th and total independence for 8th. I can't promise that this had anything to do with me, maybe I was just lucky, but I can say for sure that the old saw just wasn't true in our case.

I 'owned' his homework in 6th grade, but I never worried, got frustrated, or had any emotion except "Wow - i so needed this when I finally met challenge, but I was already in college and living away from home when the x hit the fan, so I didn't have any support, I'm so glad you are reaching this point now and we can work together on it."

I had figured out on DH that the more I took emotional responsibility for anything the less others tend to feel the need to. After all, it's your DS who doesn't get the goodies unless he does the basics, so why would you worry. I don't think that getting bad grades is a bad thing - better than having a child who get's straight As all the way through High School without trying or learning Self Mastery and then goes off to college unprepared to handle setbacks. But it's bad if it lingers and continues.

What helped my son was finding a binder with a 'homework to do' and a 'homework to hand in' file folder in the front. That simplified things. If that hadn't worked, I would have insisted that DS scan his homework to an email and email it to the teacher before he goes to play, and then ALSO hand in the homework like anyone else. This is just to show the teachers that he is 'in the game.'

As for the 'I'm learning anyway' treat that argument as an 'ego-saver.' It feels less bad if one 'didn't try' if one feels like failure is inevitable. Tell him that good grades matter to you, and that if he can't understand why that is now, you are confident that he'll understand it later, when he is older. For now he needs to trust you on this. (The reason is that decoding what other people - like future bosses - want is a skill that needs time to develop, and turning in the homework is the only way to figure out if one is correctly interpreting the teacher.)

All this presupposes that the academic fit is 'not perfect, but decent.' By high school I think it's reasonable to expect you child to do what they can even when the material is dull as dirt, but in 6th grade, I think a child is still a bit too young to be expected to do it all on 'will power' alone. It always helps if the material is interesting and developmentally appropriate.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

If he has an IEP in place, it is a legal requirement for the teachers to comply. They are not allowed to be "actively resistant." If they are, you need to go to the principal or higher because the school itself is facing legal action if the teachers do not comply with the IEP.

(We learned this in a meeting with all the teachers and the principal...the principal was horrified to learn that the teachers were not following our son's IEP. She practically yelled at them in front of us: "This is a legally binding document! You MUST do what it says! You don't have a choice.")

What everyone else said about the IEP: if it's in there, they HAVE to follow through. And making this be between him and them (at least the school piece) is essential for his growth, even if he needs extra support around it right now. In college, you won't be there at all, and he's going to need to know how to solve these problems himself, which means the problems will be between him and his teachers.

In the meantime, don't make him independent until the teachers (and you) have taught him all the constituent skills.


Is it just dygraphia, or are there other EF matters going on? This sounds like more to me.


Those are good steps. I might add to the IEP that each teacher checks his planner on his way out of their class to make sure he's understood and noted what he must do.

It may also help to have an end of day backpack check to make sure that all the requisite worksheets, books, etc. are coming home. They can later fade this to *him* checking the backpack against his planner more independently before leaving school, but under teacher guidance, and then eventually independently.


Teachers either have to prompt him for it again, or you need to work out a system where all the work to turn in that day is in the front of the binder, and that section checked at day's end to make sure it all went in.


This can be improved through role play: give him the script to use, have him practice it with you but then also do it with the teachers. Also get it into the IEP that this is an issue so that teachers are aware of this problem. This sort of thing drives them crazy, but if it's in there at least they know about it.


There is nagging, and then there's nagging. I try to nag in a way that builds skills: "Where is this piece of paper going to go so that you remember to turn it in?"

DeeDee