Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Elementary School Any suggestions for communication?

It has been forever since I have posted here. I hope everyone is having a productive school year. I would say 'great' but who am I kidding?

The reason for this post. My daughter started Kindergarten this year. (background info: she is in a Spanish Immersion school where their curriculum is more advanced than the public schools) Up to this year, DD has been happy just being silly and not really being challenged. She has yet to really show her true abilities. She has always been the type to mimic others around her. When with her classmates she is anything but herself. It is like we have two separate children: school DD and home DD. I'm constantly encouraging her to be herself but have hesitated to do much of anything beyond that because DD is a major perfectionist. And I don't want to send the wrong message to her or have her take it to mean you need to be perfect.

Because of my fears, I have been lacks in really challenging her, but this summer I decided to test her in math and see what she knows and build from there, because even though the school is advanced, DD is still not challenged. What I discovered through the summer is that DD is solidly in 2nd grade math. If I really wanted to challenge her, she could be doing 3rd grade.

Fast forward to Kindergarten: She is now acting out in class, not doing her work, dumbing down with her classmates, refusing to show her true abilities. BUT she is also talking about being bored and specifically stating: 'Ms. M is constantly repeating things but I already know it.' or 'But mom I got it the first time she said it.' I encourage her to show Ms. M that she can do it and if she shows her than Ms. M will give her more challenging work. Still isn't willing to do this.

Yesterday we had an open house and I talked to Ms. M. She was, of course, shocked to hear that DD does 2nd grade math at home. She has not seen her show any interest in anything harder while in class. And when we pulled DD over to talk to her, she instantly got silly and played it off. (so frustrating!) But Ms. M is willing to try her in 2nd grade math and see if DD will actually do the work.

So my question: Does anyone have any tips on how to talk to this kid? Key words I might use to build her confidence without her thinking this is about being perfect?

I'm not sure why you're concerned that you hadn't challenged her before kindergarten. I mean... she's five, right?

The school has to see the evidence that she's capable of doing more challenging work, and they're going to ignore it if it comes from you, because they assume all parents are prejudiced. So if you want them to start taking her seriously, you need to have her tested.

As for talking with her, girls typically dumb themselves down in order to fit in socially, so what you're seeing is totally normal. I'd start with talking with her about how totally cool it is to be smart.

Katelyn's Mom - Welcome back!
Don't look for the right words to say - Actions speak. Words echo.

It's works on you, too. It took until DD's school actions said "Help- I need some help!" to get you ready to make changes, right?

It's like writing a paper for your LA teacher - show the reader, don't tell the reader.

What Actions might show DD that you take her learning needs seriously? Working with her at home has been a major help and it gave her the courage to start getting demanding at school. That's all good for a first step.


It's fine to encourage your DD to do what Ms. M tells her, but it's a very very unusual child who can effectively self-advocate before age ten. You and Ms. M need to be the ones who work together to come up with possibilities, and try them all, one by one.

It's going to need to be a bit messy to recover from the perfectionism and blendy-in-ism that your DD is so entrenched in. Luckily she has you! And Ms. M seems willing to believe that it's possible. If you need more resource people, gather them in.

When my son was acting out in 2nd grade I would have been so happy if he 'just behaved.' Now I see that we are all so lucky that he didn't 'just behave.' That took quite a lot of living before my perspective shifted.

You can put the cameleon thing to good use if you can get her spending time with kids who share her 'ready to learn' level. It won't have to be perfect, just 'in the ballpark.'

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Thanks MON. I'm getting closer and closer to actually pushing her so it's good to hear from someone else that you just might need to do it. These kids and their perfectionism! As for the logic of sabotage really does make sense. When you are so concerned about the final outcome, it is hard to get started or believe in yourself. Sounds like your DD is moving forward with all of it. Really great to hear that!

Okay, hopefully by me talking to her teacher and DD that action spoke volumes. We talked to her again about being herself (this was after the open house) and yesterday she got up and shared with the class that she is a very smart person. Not exactly what I had in mind but maybe something she needs to do to help give her courage to be herself? Crossing my fingers that she starts to actually show it.