Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy How to deal with unresponsive teacher?

My DD (already young for grade but about 50th percentile height-for-age) cared very much about not being the shortest kid in the class when we were planning her skip. But it was important to me because she cared about it - I was always one of the shorter kids, and never minded it.

Social immaturity would worry me more, but forgoing a skip doesn't always help with that. The oldest kid in DD's class last year was a very bright kid who had been held back purely for social reasons. Before I knew that, I'd figured him as either young for grade or skipped, because he was still socially immature compared to his (year younger) classmates.

FWIW, my DD's social situation appears to have improved after the skip. She's not the type to have a lot of friends, but the friends she has now are bright kids who are well-liked. (Prior to the skip, her friends tended to be academically struggling kids who didn't have many other friends.)

I've been around here for a few years, and I've seen this sentiment come up fairly frequently.

As a parent (especially a parent of a young child), it seems that respecting the professionals and waiting for them to move is the obvious and best way to go. In my case at least, experience has taught me to act as soon as I'm sure a problem exists (though waiting until the 4th of October seems quite reasonable).


To me, this statement sums up the problem. He's unchallenged and is so unhappy, he's trying to compensate. Have you thought about writing things like this down and giving them to the teacher?


What's the cutoff for admission? Do they have other HG+ kids there? If the cutoff is 120 or 125, the school may be dominated by very bright but not really gifted kids, which means that your child may be very different from the others.

If they use the ERB or some other test, there could also be a lot of bright, prepped, but non-gifted kids.

I suggest asking the teacher how she typically approaches kids who are highly gifted or beyond. Phrase it just like that and don't define the terms for her unless she asks. That way you'll find out about how much she knows about levels of giftedness. If she doesn't know much, give her some information and see how she reacts. Describe your son and the kindergarten teacher's belief that he may be profoundly gifted and see how she reacts. Take notes.

A dismissive or dubious reaction from her may be a negative sign. If she promises to give him different work, that's a good sign (but follow through every day for the next week with your son and make sure that she does). Take notes.

My advice: if you don't see big improvements by the following Monday, get in touch with the principal via email or a letter (don't call; you need to write stuff down). Define the problem using the notes you wrote about how your son is very frustrated and then use your notes from your meeting and afterwards.

It sounds like you're sending him to a private school. If it's designed for gifted kids, they have an obligation to your son. As a customer, you have a certain amount of leverage, and if you use it wisely, you'll increase your chances for success. By "wisely," I mean referring back to their marketing material or website and indicating that one of the reasons you chose the school was because of THIS and you're not really seeing it happen with your son.

It's a public school in an established upper-middle-class neighborhood of professionals. The cutoff for the gifted program is 130 on any subsection of any number of tests; it's well known that there are psychologists who will test a kid in who might not belong there; 45% of the student body is staffed as "gifted." DS is regarded by the other moms as the brightest kid in the class.

That said, there are a few other kids in the class who are also clearly very smart. Certainly there are enough kids in the class to hold a 3rd grade level reading group.

It's my perception that the teacher seems reluctant to give differentiated work. She made it clear to me that she'd prefer to skip him. DS has actually ASKED to be skipped, but DH is adamantly against the idea. The teacher has been teaching gifted for a long time, and she wasn't surprised we asked for differentiation; she said, "oh yeah, every couple of years you get a kid who needs to be moved up." I did make a point of telling her about the refusal to take the test open book; I thought she might find the sentiment that he never learns anything new in her class a bit insulting.

At any rate, she's in England until the first week of October. I'm hoping to make an appointment with the Asst Principal (chain of command and all) and get some of this hashed out.

As far as homeschooling goes, I consider that a last resort. I'm not the most patient teacher, and DS isn't the most patience-inspiring kid.

One other thing -- DS scored 142 on the WPPSI when he was five -- but he spent most of the processing section staring out the window. Is is usually helpful to re-test to get a more accurate IQ score? Guess I could wait and see how things go with administration too.

Thanks to all of you for the support and advice!

I think 142 is plenty high enough to argue for acceleration, honestly.

Testing at slightly older ages is more reliable, because you are less likely to have a child sit and stare out the window, but I wouldn't wait to have new scores to move forward here.

Have you and your DH filled out the Iowa Acceleration Scale? It can be very helpful when trying to evaluate whether a grade skip is a good option. It is an objective and independently validated way to assess what kind of acceleration is appropriate, and that evidence sitting there in black and white can be a useful thing to have when dealing with a school administration - or a family member who may not "get it".

I don't see DH agreeing to a skip no matter what the Iowa scale says. He believes in science and understands the research, but he can't get over the idea of how small my (1st percentile for height) kid would be in a class 2 years older.

I think we have to see what the school can do for us, and perhaps revisit the grade skipping conversation at a later time.

Personally, I'd gladly skip him, and he wants to be skipped. So we've got that going for us.

Have you and your DH actually gone in to observe the classes in the grade level into which your DS would skip? I'm not sure about your school, but in our district there is a huge range in student size in any grade, from kids who are young and big for grade to those who are old and small for grade. I get that you wouldn't want to put your DS into a situation where he would be at more risk for awkwardness than already necessary (i.e., give him yet another reason to stand out from the crowd). But you may find that even your very small boy might not be the smallest by much. Not saying it's not a valid concern, just that you might want to go observe before you make a decision.

Just another thought. Being very tall growing up and having very tall kids, I have seen that very big kids often get teased just as much (or little) as very small kids. And being small or large doesn't necessarily have the end-all be-all affect on athletics that is sometimes supposed. I think of utmost importance is how these situations are dealt with when they occur. It's never any fun being different, but yet everyone is in someway. So, IMHO, size should be one of the considerations when considering a skip (and it is in the Iowa Acceleration Scale), but there are a lot of other considerations that size needs to be weighed against.

Does your DH have a past experience that is informing his thoughts about the grade skip? Do you?

At least you have a school that has given you the option of a skip and admits your DS needs something different. Hurrah!

Anecdote alert: a small-for-age boy in my son's second grade class skipped first grade, and he had a late fall birthday. He was a lot smaller than everyone else in the class, but they all accepted him. Young kids can be very accepting if the grownups all said that this is the way we're doing this.

Suggestion: How would your husband feel about letting your son try the next grade for a week? That way no one is biting off a whole skip at once.

If DS comes home happier, your husband's concerns might ease. Alternatively, if DS hates life in the higher grade, he'll be less unhappy in first grade.

To be fair to the teacher, she's offering a skip. So it sounds like she gets it.

You could also remind your husband, in a very diplomatic way, that he seems to basing his no-skip stance on an arbitrary reason that bothers him and may not bother your son. He may also be ignoring the fact that his son is very unhappy. But don't say it that way! Find a less direct way. Here's one: sometimes kids who are forced to do or not do things for arbitrary reasons feel very resentful, and often for a long time.

HTH

Just a bit on size and a grade skip from personal experience.

My DS6 is tiny. He is a July kid, so he would have already been one of the youngest in first grade. He is about 42" tall and 39 pounds. His size was a huge factor in the grade skip. It was, in fact, the main thing that was causing me to be hesitant. They are now 5 weeks into second grade. He fits in perfectly. During the first week, some of the kids said he was small. Some kids still ask why he is small. He just tells them that he is younger than them and they move on. No big deal

My eldest has skipped two grades. He's taller than average, but not a lot (at the high end of one standard deviation above the mean). He's not the shortest kid in his class, in spite of the fact that some kids are 2.5 years older than him.