Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Emotional Overexcitability or Bad Parenting

I was going to suggest 1-2-3 Magic. I found it to be very useful, even though we didn't follow it precisely.

A few thoughts-

It doesn't have to be parenting or overexcitabilities - it could be a combination. (Not that it is BAD parenting, but imperfect parenting - we all do that!) Some things you can't completely control, but some things you can find the right approach to handle better.

2 was really rough on us and we fell back on what we called the trick of the week. We learned that if we could distract our DS, often by making him either mad about something else or getting him to laugh, the tantrum would end. One time, we got 6 months out of putting a sign up in the living room that said "No fits". The kids would start in, we would point at the sign, they would poke out their lips like they were being cheated out of something they had a right to, and the fit was over.

Sometimes there is other stuff going on that we can be too dense to see. My son is 12. Last summer, we discovered that he is allergic to eggs. The reaction is a loss of emotional control. Those 2 year old fits that he never outgrew? They only happened within 24 hours of eating eggs. My husband's allergist nodded when he told her the story. Same thing with her son - only his allergy is corn.

We also found that our preschool son had an issue with sleep. He thought he needed 8 hours, but if he got 10, he didn't throw as many fits (unless he had eggs, as it turns out.) It was a constant battle to get the sleep, but when we won, it was worth it for all of us.

So.... I guess I suggest reading 1-2-3 Magic. If nothing else, it will give you guidance on dealing with the fit. Then I suggest keepiing a diary of sorts - what he eats, how much he sleeps, how the behavior is. See if you can identify any triggers.

And.... an overall healthy diet with plenty of veggies, minimal sugar, and lots of omega fatty acids doesn't hurt!

Good luck
Mary

Some kids just don't know how to bring themselves down and need help to do that. Which has nothing to do with your [arenting at all. In the end, the only way you can tell if your child is needing your help to deal with overwhelming emotions or not is to observe the child and trust you parenting instincts. You are the expert on your child.

FWIW, my oldest had tremendous tantrums for quite a while, and still does occationally, but he is getting better and better and he has learned some skills in getting himself calm, exiting situations when it gets overwhelming, etc. It hasn't been easy, and I have had many people tell me I was doing the wrong thing. I just knew he needed my help. My payoff has been how senisitve he is with other children, particularly his younger brothers, and how comfortable he is in expressing how he feels - in words rather than wails.

Listen to your parenting instincts, you know your child.

Hi,

We felt ds (now 4) was unusually intense at 2. We read 123 Magic and while I can see how well it would work for some kids, for us it wasn't the right approach. We found "Raising your spirited child" more helpful for our particular kid.

At the beginning of 123 magic it says something like see a counselor before using with kids that have excessive separation anxiety or who are self-punitive (the latter for DS, who at that age would give himself time outs).

What really helped DS the most was for me to sit there and tell him to say in words what seemed to me to be so obvious it shouldn't need saying. While he sobbed I would say "Say, "I'm SO upset"." and he would say that (unintelligibly) and then then I would say "yes you do seem very upset". And then I would guess and I would say, "Say "I'm mad, I wanted to go to ...". And he would say that. And I would say, "sounds like you are mad at me". Then I'd say, "Say, "It's not fair!". And so on. Sort of manually making a conversation between him and me. Over time that (plus just getting older and having more words come to him to say) seemed to shorten his upset times and encourage him to use words rather than less easy to deal with behaviors.

These days I use a lot of other things too, including time outs or ignoring him when he's completely immature, but at 2 those kind of things didn't seem to work at all. At 2, for DS, it was all about needing to communicate and being too upset or ignorant of how to go about it, recognize his emotions in the moment, etc.

Polly

I have been known to count to three... There are situations when my kids need to know that time is up and I will make them stop if they don't stop themselves. But as small people I agree with Polly - they needed to be actively taught the language to express their feelings. Nothing will stop my kids crying faster than knowing that they have been understood, even if it doesn't change anything.

This includes young toddlers backing into a table corner and banging their heads and screaming - they may have no idea why suddenly they are in paini, show them and tell them "You backed into the table, you banged your head! Ow! Oh dear!" For all three of my kids this will usually instantly stop tears where the injury was only minor and they were more offended than hurt. Express what happened and they will get on their way. It also aids their spatial awareness as they start to learn to figure out for themselves why their head hurts all of a sudden.

Thanks for all the suggestions. Lately, DS is throwing less temper tandems but having a hard time with criticisms.

When I try to correct his behaviors, he will turn his face around and act like he is mad. Or he will tell me that he doesn�t like me because I told him a week ago he was being bad (with details that I don't even remember).

I know it�s an undesirable behavior, but how should I go about address the issue?

I think both of those behaviors are actually postive and show a lot of
1) handling strong emotions well by turning face around
2) using your words

In
There is encouragement to make a clear list of "No" rules. So if a child is clearly having a strong feeling, but not biting, kicking, or blocking a family activity, then there is a lot to praise, and lots of room for a strong emotional connection over the good things your child is doing.

?

Grinity

When did you meet my ds5? I read the first passage to dh.. he thought I wrote that!

Please tell me it does get better.

Until they learn to reason with you logically and in excruciating detail. Then when you do win the argument its back to the tantrum.

LOL