Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Emotional Overexcitability or Bad Parenting

I would like some insights to see if DS2 is just being a brat (i.e. I am a bad parent) or does he have OE.

Ever since DS2 was an infant, he has a hard time adjusting to changes. Once he is attaching to a person/objection/place, he is reluctant to change. He cried for over a month when he started daycare, and now he is crying every morning because we took him out of daycare to stay home with me.

He is very sensitive to pain (among other things). He would hold his breath until his lips turn blue over minor falls.

He is also very reserved to new situations and people, which might be a personality thing.

The most troubling for me is that he would have temper tandems over little things, which I understand is quite common for his age. He would sometime cry over half an hour hysterically. We have tried to talk calmly to him, ignore him, distract him, timeouts, yell at him, etc. Nothing works. In fact, ignoring him usually makes it worse. He turns all blue every time we ignore him during a tandem.

So are we just bad parents, is this just a phase, or does he have OE? If he does have OE, what�s the best way to deal with the situation?

P.S. Forgot to mention he is also very sensitive to other people�s feelings. When he corrects others� mistakes, he always apologizes, which I have no ideas where he learnt it from.

What are your reactions? Not to be glib, but children often feed off the reactions of their caregivers. What are you sensitive to? How do you respond? (or how would you respond if you were not an adult that knows better?)Looking at your own reactions may offer some insight into your child.

He is two years old or is he your second DS?

If he is two, a lot of this behaviour could be simply because he IS two!! I think it is pretty common for toddlers to thrive on routine and be easily thrown off by changes to their schedules.

My DS2 is also very sensitive (and we are bad parents because he is nicknamed "Princess", LOL!) and when he has a tantrum or gets upset, we end up having to console him. For example, the other night he refused to eat dinner and was behaving rudely at the table. His father removed him from the table and calmly told him he could return when he could behave. The resulting tantrum/crying session lasted well past dinner and required me physically holding/hugging him to talk him down. It did not even matter that it was his own behaviour that started it... we hurt his feelings, bottom line, and he was devastated that his father wanted him to leave the table. At the end of the day, he is just two years old. Smart as he is, he lacks rationality whenever things do not go his way!

http://www.hsperson.com/pages/child.htm

This site might be helpful--the highly sensitive child.

Thanks for the advices.

I do realize some of DS2�s behaviors are common for a 2yo. However, I feel like some of his behaviors are also exacerbated by his emotional sensitivity.

As for me, I have OE in multiple areas (and so do my parents), which might explain where DS� sensitivity comes from.

For us (ours is only 19 months and not very verbal so take with a grain of salt), we let the temper tantrum part last about 20-30 seconds. Not ignoring, but not reacting. Then I pick him up and speak calmly to him and comfort him as much as possible.

He had the negative experience to teach him that what he did was wrong, but I don't really want to let it go further than that. It usually takes about 5-10 minutes to calm him down after I pick him up. He can't be distracted from a thought once he's had it though, so it's more about him coming to grips with the fact that he can't do what he wants and he needs to express that disappointment.

Hopefully this will give him the skills to deal with disappointment later. Fingers crossed.

My PG-DYS DS10 was like that at 2. It was very hard. I didn't know why it was different for me than all the other parents I knew with kids that age. I wish I knew about all of this back then! From age 16 months on it was hard! (although he was intense from day 1) That was the age the tantrums started! Identifying his giftedness very early on really helped me see it wasn't my parenting, this kid really was different and had different needs. I learned that he needed things done differently, I told people he wasn't good with transitions. I had to really work at prepping him for each change that would come through the day. We had many battles.

It's still hard. He is incredibly sensitive and emotional at 10. We are going to a party this weekend and I am already trying to plot out exit strategies and prepping him for "when it's time to go it's time to go" because he still has trouble with transitions and still has OE issues.

My MG DD8 is totally different, doesn't have the OE issues (sensory processing and motor incoordination for her)

I don't think it's likely that you are a bad parent. I do think it's likely that your son has similar OEs to you. So what should you do?

I believe that this situation is an invitation to become a 'SuperParent!'

What is in my super-parent kit?
1) a supportive community: Post here and look locally for groups of families who have BTDT and survived to tell the tail.
2) meditation - with a child who is super sensitive, it's very very useful to have a 'portable virtual spa' so that you can be truely truely calm and grateful for every bit of blue skin and every tantrum. If you can be relaxed while dear little one is losing it, then the tantrums will be shorter and eventually less intense. Yes, you will have to practice in the AM or PM every day so that in about a year you will be one breath away from 'sending calming compassion'

a favorite resourse for mediation is -
https://sites.google.com/site/giftedmeditation/

3) Finding a disipline plan you and all the involved adults can live with: I think 'Transforming the Difficult Child Workbook' by Lisa Bravo is a great choice for OE/Gifted families.

4) You might want help from a Pediatric Occupational Therapist. They have techniques to help kids become more flexible. They use the diagnosis 'Sensory Intergration Disorder' but some kids with OEs will be tremendously helped.

5) During a nap, watch the movie 'The Switch' which features a very precosious and very bratty 6 year old. Laugh and cry your butt off.

Hope that helps!
Grinity

Hi there- I don't think you are a bad parent- or you wouldn't be looking to help with this issue! FWIW, I have a very lively, spirited 3yo, and I have been re-reading Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's book, "Raising Your Spirited Child" and the matching workbook.

I find that the 5 traits of 'spiritedness' for kids match in a lot of ways OEs + giftedness... intense, perceptive, persistence, sensitivity, and energetic- a very useful and affirming read for me with practical advice/ideas to cope:
here is a link: http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Perceptive/dp/0060923288
I bought my copies used from Alibris.com for very little $
You may find it useful. I felt a lot less alone after reading this book...

As a licensed marriage and family therapist - I would recommend you read both Love & Logic parenting books and 1-2-3 Magic.

I agree, sometimes kids behave that way because there is a payoff - even if it's negative... could be power struggle stuff that you handle with inconsistent messages.

Cleaning up any parenting stuff will better indicate if what remains is developmental or needs further assessment.

I was going to suggest 1-2-3 Magic. I found it to be very useful, even though we didn't follow it precisely.

A few thoughts-

It doesn't have to be parenting or overexcitabilities - it could be a combination. (Not that it is BAD parenting, but imperfect parenting - we all do that!) Some things you can't completely control, but some things you can find the right approach to handle better.

2 was really rough on us and we fell back on what we called the trick of the week. We learned that if we could distract our DS, often by making him either mad about something else or getting him to laugh, the tantrum would end. One time, we got 6 months out of putting a sign up in the living room that said "No fits". The kids would start in, we would point at the sign, they would poke out their lips like they were being cheated out of something they had a right to, and the fit was over.

Sometimes there is other stuff going on that we can be too dense to see. My son is 12. Last summer, we discovered that he is allergic to eggs. The reaction is a loss of emotional control. Those 2 year old fits that he never outgrew? They only happened within 24 hours of eating eggs. My husband's allergist nodded when he told her the story. Same thing with her son - only his allergy is corn.

We also found that our preschool son had an issue with sleep. He thought he needed 8 hours, but if he got 10, he didn't throw as many fits (unless he had eggs, as it turns out.) It was a constant battle to get the sleep, but when we won, it was worth it for all of us.

So.... I guess I suggest reading 1-2-3 Magic. If nothing else, it will give you guidance on dealing with the fit. Then I suggest keepiing a diary of sorts - what he eats, how much he sleeps, how the behavior is. See if you can identify any triggers.

And.... an overall healthy diet with plenty of veggies, minimal sugar, and lots of omega fatty acids doesn't hurt!

Good luck
Mary

Some kids just don't know how to bring themselves down and need help to do that. Which has nothing to do with your [arenting at all. In the end, the only way you can tell if your child is needing your help to deal with overwhelming emotions or not is to observe the child and trust you parenting instincts. You are the expert on your child.

FWIW, my oldest had tremendous tantrums for quite a while, and still does occationally, but he is getting better and better and he has learned some skills in getting himself calm, exiting situations when it gets overwhelming, etc. It hasn't been easy, and I have had many people tell me I was doing the wrong thing. I just knew he needed my help. My payoff has been how senisitve he is with other children, particularly his younger brothers, and how comfortable he is in expressing how he feels - in words rather than wails.

Listen to your parenting instincts, you know your child.

Hi,

We felt ds (now 4) was unusually intense at 2. We read 123 Magic and while I can see how well it would work for some kids, for us it wasn't the right approach. We found "Raising your spirited child" more helpful for our particular kid.

At the beginning of 123 magic it says something like see a counselor before using with kids that have excessive separation anxiety or who are self-punitive (the latter for DS, who at that age would give himself time outs).

What really helped DS the most was for me to sit there and tell him to say in words what seemed to me to be so obvious it shouldn't need saying. While he sobbed I would say "Say, "I'm SO upset"." and he would say that (unintelligibly) and then then I would say "yes you do seem very upset". And then I would guess and I would say, "Say "I'm mad, I wanted to go to ...". And he would say that. And I would say, "sounds like you are mad at me". Then I'd say, "Say, "It's not fair!". And so on. Sort of manually making a conversation between him and me. Over time that (plus just getting older and having more words come to him to say) seemed to shorten his upset times and encourage him to use words rather than less easy to deal with behaviors.

These days I use a lot of other things too, including time outs or ignoring him when he's completely immature, but at 2 those kind of things didn't seem to work at all. At 2, for DS, it was all about needing to communicate and being too upset or ignorant of how to go about it, recognize his emotions in the moment, etc.

Polly

I have been known to count to three... There are situations when my kids need to know that time is up and I will make them stop if they don't stop themselves. But as small people I agree with Polly - they needed to be actively taught the language to express their feelings. Nothing will stop my kids crying faster than knowing that they have been understood, even if it doesn't change anything.

This includes young toddlers backing into a table corner and banging their heads and screaming - they may have no idea why suddenly they are in paini, show them and tell them "You backed into the table, you banged your head! Ow! Oh dear!" For all three of my kids this will usually instantly stop tears where the injury was only minor and they were more offended than hurt. Express what happened and they will get on their way. It also aids their spatial awareness as they start to learn to figure out for themselves why their head hurts all of a sudden.

Thanks for all the suggestions. Lately, DS is throwing less temper tandems but having a hard time with criticisms.

When I try to correct his behaviors, he will turn his face around and act like he is mad. Or he will tell me that he doesn�t like me because I told him a week ago he was being bad (with details that I don't even remember).

I know it�s an undesirable behavior, but how should I go about address the issue?

I think both of those behaviors are actually postive and show a lot of
1) handling strong emotions well by turning face around
2) using your words

In
There is encouragement to make a clear list of "No" rules. So if a child is clearly having a strong feeling, but not biting, kicking, or blocking a family activity, then there is a lot to praise, and lots of room for a strong emotional connection over the good things your child is doing.

?

Grinity

When did you meet my ds5? I read the first passage to dh.. he thought I wrote that!

Please tell me it does get better.

Until they learn to reason with you logically and in excruciating detail. Then when you do win the argument its back to the tantrum.

LOL