Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school On Letting Him be a Kid, or What we Know

*slightly incoherent rant*

OK, it might be my fault. I'm a curriculum-specialist-slash-teacher, and most of our friends are also in similar jobs. DS1 is only three, and we're already getting questions, pressure, and suggestions from everyone about "what to do with him." To all these people, I wish I could say:

Yes, we know. We know he already knows most, if not all, of the concepts required to "pass" kindergarten in our district. We didn't teach him most of it, though now he's asking us to teach him how to read.

Yes, we know. We know he can do great things in life if he puts all his brainpower to good use. I hope he does. We know that in a town that is called the "Armpit" of a state that most people think is something of a national joke, everyone's looking for a Local Kid to be proud and fond of. We'd love it if you could all be proud and fond of him. We know that you don't want us to be another family that left because "we thought the schools weren't good enough."

Yes, we know. We know that finding a way to make our district's educational program fit his needs is going to be very, very difficult. Our students are among the "lowest," academically, in the nation. He will start school with some classmates who, though they may be as biologically capable as he is, are growing up in abusive and neglectful situations. We know that compared to their needs, his lack of challenge will likely not seem a high priority.

Yes, we know. We know what the two (yes, TWO, and no, we can't bus to another district; our district is the size of West Virginia and the nearest schools are tiny village schools only accessible by boat, air, or snowmobile) elementary school options are. We know who the "good" teachers are at both schools. We know that "All the parents with smart kids in this town send them to the language immersion school so they actually learn something new." We know that "Immersion schools and gifted kids are not a great match." We know that "Hey, you should homeschool! That'll solve all your problems! We love homeschooling!" But we also know that none of the three choices (immersion, regular English school, or homeschooling) are perfect. You don't have the answer, and quite frankly, neither do we.

We know that he is going walk into the preschool next year ready to join right in with the four year-olds when it comes to what he's capable of. We also know that he'll be one of the youngest kids in the group, and is NOT, even just a little bit, emotionally mature for his age.

We know that DS is going to be a white kid in a classroom full of mostly Native kids. We know that that will raise all sorts of issues about special treatment and social bias and advantage and all sorts of things that a five year-old shouldn't need to worry about just yet.

We know a lot of stuff, as you can see.

And we appreciate your concern and interest.

But, please. PLEASE. Can he just be a three year-old sometimes? Can we just not focus so many conversations on how smart he is and all the issues it's going to cause? I love, love, love that he has so many caring adults who want the best for him, but it's becoming a bit overwhelming, talking about it with every living human being. Can we talk about his inappropriate burping, or his love of Matchbox cars, or his tiny little white boy butt that pants won't stay up on? I can't have this many Very Serious Conversations about him. I have a feeling that time will come, but that time is not now. He's three. He's having fun. Please let me do the same.

You're not incoherent at all. It sounds like others are noticing that your child is different, which actually can be helpful! Some parents here struggle with getting their child identified as gifted. If everyone you meet pegs your son as advanced, you may have nothing to worry about on that front.

I also wouldn't give up the ghost just yet on finding a good school fit for him. Moderately gifted kids can do well in a range of environments, even some highly gifted kids may do all right with little in the way of accommodations, and you don't know for sure yet how gifted he may be. Hopefully when he enters preschool next year, he will find another four-year-old at or near his wavelength. And the local schools may surprise you with what they're able and willing to do, if accommodations of some sort become necessary.

I would personally try to relax over this, focus less on school for now, and take the comments for what they are. I think a lot of people who make such statements must feel like they're simply complimenting your son and showing interest in your family. You can also steer the conversation away from topics that you don't want to talk about. You don't have to be confrontational with the other person; you could start talking playfully about whatever little-boy qualities you see in him, for instance. You could then use that discussion as a springboard to talk about the childish, fun aspects of your son.

You know, I think it is really appropriate to just take charge of the conversation and talk about his burping, his tiny hiney, his stomping in mud puddles, his matchbox car worship and whatever else that might be quite typical of him as a 3 year old. So many people forget that Children who are gifted are also first and foremost children just as they are children with blonde hair, children with tiny behinds, children with motor mouth, etc.

Try to stop stressing because that will only get translated into frustration for your son.

It's not any better if they don't notice or just get glimpses. My boy clams up in front of folks sometimes, especially teachers.

His piano teacher yesterday put little tiny stickers on the "DO" and "SO" and thinks he does know anything. Then the freak goes home, climbs up on the piano and plays "Lightly Row" and his "Twinkle" variations by himself.

It's a no win situation really. On the way home from class he was reading another 3 year old's T-shirt and commenting on the phase of the moon. The mother who was just telling me how verbal (code for smart) her kid was shocked and wanted to talk about it.
I just mumbled something about that "being his thing". Her kid is smart, mine is some kind of oddity that I don't even understand.

Even when he did meet a kid like him who could read etc. It was strange because the parent was taken a back by there being someone like her boy. Nice to confide with her though.


Plain and simple it's awkward. Wing it and play a lot.

I think three is an especially difficult age for parents of extremely precocious kids, because by that point, it's pretty clear that problems and tough choices are looming ahead, and yet it's a little too early to take action on a lot of them. I remember feeling a lot of anticipation, anxiety, and defensiveness when DS6 was that age.

However, I'm also a big planner, so I actually took a big leap and registered my son for a private kindergarten at age 3 1/2 (to enroll the following fall at age 4 1/2). I found that making that decision, which probably could have been delayed for at least another 6 months, bought me a great deal of peace. Simply having a plan gave me confidence that we could deal with whatever was to come and communicated to other people that we had things under control. Fortunately, our plan worked beautifully and DS6 has had a great experience at school.

If it's too early for you to start planning kindergarten, maybe at least having a clear plan for preschool will help you and others relax for now. Even if that plan changes later, simply having a plan can buy you some breathing room. Letting people know that you have no idea what you're going to do only invites more advice.

I really think that the whole thing is just blown out of proportion because *ALL* of our friends here are teachers or educational specialists. Random strangers on the street just assume he's an average-but-small five year-old. It doesn't help that his current obsessions include rhyming words (CURSE YOU NAME GAME SONG!) and beginning word sounds and is not quiet about his obsession. A tiny kid running the halls of the district's Central Office chanting "book look fook dook mook rook" or "b-buh-bathroom! p-puh-poop! t-tuh-toilet!" attracts attention, especially in a cloistered brain-trust of educational professionals. Everyone has an opinion. And everyone's kind of excited, in a way, because when your work is such an uphill battle just to achieve basic proficiency, a kid who's so, um, flamboyantly displaying early literacy and math skills.

Part of the reason I'm hoping he gets to go to preschool next year (a whole bunch of things need to fall into place to make it happen financially and logistically, but it's looking a bit more optimistic) is so he can broaden his experiences a little. He's been cooped up in our little house all winter because my husband and I worked opposite shifts, we only have one car, and it was too cold to take the new baby out to play. He's been in sort of a repeating loop of precocity with Daddy during the day and Mama in the evenings. Books, counting, adding, letters, conversations; I feel like his life has sort of focused in on a few things he initially found interesting, but then he just sort of defaulted to the same stuff, INTENSELY, out of boredom.

Not that I want him to be naught or un-challenged in preschool, but I do want him to, you know, have a little issue or two, and find new things to be good and not-so-good at. Hopefully not just be "that little three year-old who's reading," but "that three year-old who can read and is really interested in poisonous frogs and doesn't like to draw for some strange reason and doesn't do well with transitions and needs to stop educating classmates on the proper names for their private parts and likes nothing more than to sit on someone's lap and read a good book and thinks soccer is the coolest thing since buttered toast."

There isn't much here to plan or prepare for. Two schools, both open-enrollment, both public. Homeschooling is NOT our first choice because there is little in the way of things to do with kids during the day in this town... there's a tiny kids' room at the library and... um... the grocery stores. I'm torn on trying for early enrollment. He is not, at least as of right now, emotionally ahead of his peers. And, yeah, we have no clue where he'll fall on the various scales of giftedness/precocity/whatever.

It is hard because there's so much worrying and maybe-ing and speculating right now, but as pointed out, we really don't know much. We know he's a little different, and we know that genetics point to a high likelihood that he'll be an intelligent young man. But right now, all we can do is wait. I just need to learn to wait with a more chill attitude. I'd love to look aloof and confident and whatever when people start spouting ideas and opinions, but it'd largely be an act and I'm not a good actress. But there's also not much I can do about it, so I'd rather just relax and let him frolic out his preschool years.

I'm obviously finding it difficult to relax, hence my rambling posts.

I found that the more I read on gifted children and how they compare with "typical" children, the more confused I became as to whether or not to send ds to preschool at all!

Finally, I decided that because he isn't going to learn anything at any preschool, I would concentrate on finding one that was heavily into play. We enrolled him in a church preschool that offers "bring your bike" day, cooking in the church kitchen, a great playground, and lots of field trips. The goal: To allow our only child opportunity to have fun with other kids. Like you, we live in a "blinking yellow light" town, and have to travel 45 minutes to get "face time" with kids his age.

The book, Bringing Out The Best by Jacqulyn Saunders helped me make the decision to relax about the whole educational side of preschool, and just concentrate on finding one that best suited his emotional needs.

Now for Kindergarten, we have located a charter that has blended age rooms. Each child has opportunity to interact with kids up to two grade levels higher than they, as well as be given work to challenge them...not be "stuck" in Kindergarten level work. That may be an option for you. For us, it helped relieve the anxiety of whether or not to do early Kinder enrollment, since ds is definitely not mature for his age!

If your son is at all like mine, he'll pick up on your anxiousness about his gifted behavior, so the sooner your mind is eased, the better! Good luck!