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I am at a total loss, I thought things were going so well, but I just discovered that my DD17 has not actually even been going to her college (dual credit) classes all semester. (She hasn't been doing anything else either).

DD said the teacher was sick the first day, then she (DD) was late due to traffic the next couple of days, so she just went to the library, then classes were canceled for a week due to weather so it snowballed, and she couldn't/didn't want to deal with it!

DD was evaluated, diagnosed with ADD inattentive, PDD-NOS, and situational depression (due to frustrations of dealing with such a low processing speed relative to her very high VCI), and given a trial of ADD meds about 6 weeks into the semester. She said the meds were really helping and making it much easier for her to write essays etc (she even showed me one of her essays, but apparently never turned it in).

She has been getting up at 7:30 every morning, getting ready and driving an hour only to go to the school library and read for the day!!!

I asked her why she didn't just ask for help and she said she was afraid I'd get angry (I do get upset sometimes, but I am a pretty mild person even when upset and I don't think I am one to be feared for any real reason).

She is very smart so she had to know the S would eventually hit the fan. I asked what her plan was and she said she thought she would sneak in on test days and somehow get through... but that didn't happen and now its 10 days till the end of the semester! It's like Scarlet O'Hara: "I'll just deal with that on another day"

WHAT IS THIS? How do I help her? PLEASE HELP ME!!!!

Ugg - what a nasty suprise. Somehow puts me in mind of cats who bring their hunting trophies home. I wonder if she isn't - on some level - trying to negotiate that terrible tension between wanting to grow up and be independent and still wanting that sweet dependency and total closeness of being a child.

You are one of the most special people on the whole planet to your DD, so even if you act mild while upset, it's still a big issue to a young person who considers you the source of all her stability and comfort in this world. Imagination can play tricks on all of us, and it take several years before we can 'get tough' with ourselves and say - "oh yeah, I've BTDT, I'd better try something else."

Ideally the goal is that she grows into a place where she internalizes that sense of stability and comfort within herself, yes? This will be a slow process, and you may have to do some rescuing right this moment, but I would start with moving into the 'coach' role with this very issue - if possible.

Some books you may already have read, but might want to look at again, are:

Raising a Thinking Preteen: The "I Can Problem Solve" Program for 8- to 12- Year-Olds [Paperback]
Myrna B. Shure (May be pitched a bit too young, but with the spectrum and ADD issues it might be just right in some ways.)


Transforming the Difficult Child Workbook: An Interactive Guide to The Nurtured Heart Approach - Perfect Paperback (Jan. 12, 2008) by Lisa Bravo, Howard Glasser and Joann Bowdidge

((Hugs and More Hugs))

Grinity

Hi Nik,

Take a breath.

OK. The PDD brings with it serious planning and executive function issues. People on the autism spectrum have a lot of trouble taking responsibility for their actions, and looking ahead to notice they're about to cause themselves major problems is really hard for them. They do dig themselves into holes of this kind.

You and DD need to talk to someone at the college-- start with the disabilities office. Hopefully they've seen autism/ADD before. There may be a way to withdraw from the courses for this term and wipe the slate clean. That would be the best case scenario. Do not do this for her-- make sure she's in all the conversations. She needs to understand that she did it wrong, and learn something from this experience.

There are colleges that have support programs for people on the spectrum-- See http://collegeautismspectrum.com/collegeprograms.html . But I suspect that before she can fly in the adult world, she'll need to work intensively to develop her self-management skills. Is there a therapist who's willing to work with her on this stuff?

Hang in there,
DeeDee

You've gotten some great advice, and I can't really add more - only support and understanding. Hope you are able to work something out to wipe the slate clean and try a "do over" or a "no something else", once she has a new plan in place.

My bet is that once she fell off track, it was too overwhelming to get back. AND that it got worse as time went on. Hope next time it starts off more smoothly and she'll have the strategies in place (and maybe the support of the disabilities office), to keep it moving ahead. Once she has success under her belt, she'll gain confidence and so will you.

Hugs.

Nik,

You could be describing my BF's DD (turns 17 in May). They have had an uphill battle with her and we really didn't/don't know how she will do when she goes off to college, especially since she still has problems going to high school, yet she isn't rebelling, she just has lots of issues: depression, panic attacks, perfectionism, etc. From what I can tell about my BF's DD, she really REALLY wants to do good in school but due to her perfectionism she always ends up behind in something which then escalates causing her to withdrawal further and getting even more behind. She is PG. She took the SATs recently and had a perfect score in the Language Arts but was a little lower in Math which is her strongest subject. She does see a therapist which has helped, plus her school is a tiny prep school so she feels comfortable there. I love that her friends try their hardest to keep her on track. When she goes missing for a few days, they come out of the woodwork. Texts, phone calls, wall posts on her facebook acc't. And actually helps. In the past two years she has gotten a lot better but we still are concerned about college. I don't think a large school would work for her. I guess what I'm trying to say is look a little deeper. Is your daughter a perfectionist? Has she ever fallen behind before? Perhaps she needs to baby step into this. Is it possible for her to do some correspondent work before actually going to a college class? (Of course I'm assuming she was in fact taking this class at a college campus.)

Thanks Grinity, for putting her "fear of my wrath" in perspective.

I am breathing a little better now.

I asked her what she wanted to do at this point and what I can do to help - given what is at stake (she has been accepted to her dream college which is tiny and very intimate for fall, but who knows how this could affect that).

She came up with the plan of first going to talk to her teachers and asking for "In-completes" or "withdrawals" or a compromise of some kind. We have emailed requests for meetings to both teachers (their phone numbers have been disconnected for �cost savings�!!). Once she finds out what they are willing to do, she will email her dream college admissions counselor and ask if they will accept whatever the proposed solution is. If they require it, she will re-take the classes (unfortunately only one of them is being offered in the summer).

Katelyn's Mom, I really don't think more time or correspondence classes will make things better, she has been academically bored, depressed, and socially isolated from her peers for way too long already. She has completed the �recommended� High School curriculum; these classes were just so we could say she had that 3rd lab science that would put her on par with the State's �distinguished� graduation track.

When she described the experience at the university campus, I think I understand some of the things that put her off track: 200+ students in a class, awkward and near impossible to find a seat if you are late. The campus was an hour drive from where we live, longer if there was a train or traffic jam. Parking was at least a mile from the class building (the campus is huge, spanning many city blocks), teachers seem very busy and inaccessible/impersonal. She did not get her diagnosis and meds until after she had fallen off the track and yes Mich, I think by then it was far too overwhelming to get back on track.

I suspect there might be perfectionism in there somewhere but I think it is primarily the executive function deficits and as the diagnostician put it "trouble with the ignition switch". In the past, she never got behind per se, she just wouldn't do the busywork but her test scores got her through. She absorbs material very quickly so she gets painfully bored with the pace of the typical "lecture on whats already in the book, then take a quiz" classes.

Am I crazy to think she will thrive once she is at her dream college - fully immersed in the very structured program? I asked her how she thought it would be different there and she said that she will be "living the program 24/7" it will be her �whole life� and she feels that is what she needs. Also, the classes are 100% interactive so not boring lectures but rather active debate and dialogue. The college is so intimate that students take their teachers (tutors) to lunch and get to know them on a personal level. Also, all students take the same classes, so they are always all on the same page.

I am afraid focusing any more efforts on �fixing� her weak spots before sending her off to college would just be demoralizing and counterproductive when it looks like the majority of the traps will be eliminated at this college. Her weakest spot (writing) seems to have been largely cured by the meds.

This is all so new to me, I don't know how to deal with the disabilities office, I am not even sure what to ask for. I guess if the current teachers are not helpful, we could plead for a medical withdrawal. I guess we should be pro-active and contact the disabilities office at the dream college ahead of time but again, what do we ask for? Can we demand the kindest, most approachable, nurturing empathetic and engaging teachers? :-)

Sigh...sorry for the lengthiness, I haven't slept in 36 hours

Tell them everything you've told us here. Ask them to listen and ask them if they think that the specifics of their program mean that the issues will magically disappear. It might - the program sounds excellent. I would print out what you've written here and cut past it into some kind of order. (Not until you've had some sleep) Then I would ask DD to write down her version, making sure she talks about all the points you've raised.
I don't think that this is exactly what to ask for - I'd let the school guide you. You might need to hire an accountability coach to work with your DD. If I'm guessing correctly, this school you are describing, although wonderful, has a fairly high transfer/drop out rate. If the school really believes that 'some kids just aren't cut out for our program' then you'd want to know that up front.

Do not post, do not pass Go, do not collect $200 - get into bed and try to nap if at all possible!

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Absolutely talk to the disabilities office at dream college. They are likely to be able to help set your DD up for success. Some schools have coaches who check up on disabled students to make sure they are turning up for class and meeting deadlines (this could perhaps have prevented this semester's calamity, and it sounds necessary). They may indeed be able to recommend teachers who are empathetic and understanding-- they can't change the rules, if assignments have to be turned in, that's real, but they can offer accommodations of many kinds.

The trickiest thing is your DD hasn't had the diagnosis long-- so she doesn't know what accommodations to ask for or probably even understand how much she needs them. That's where your current therapist (if there is one) or diagnosing doc can be useful-- that person should make a list of things that are challenging for DD, and then you talk about that list with the disabilities office and make a plan together. DD has to buy into the plan.

And there has to be continued help in building skills, so she will be less and less reliant on accommodations and more able to manage her own executive functioning over time.

This takes a long time-- IMO you cannot expect magical improvement, even in a new setting, but you can expect sustained learning and improvement if your DD is motivated to do that.

Hang in there,
DeeDee

I used to have nightmares in college that I'd done that, a mysterious calculus class that I never went to. Year after year it was the same class. It was plenty scary in dreams so I imagine it's not any better in real life.

The college learning environment she's chosen for next fall sounds great and she may well flourish, sounds very different from the place she currently is/wishing-she-was taking classes.

I would think your biggest concern right now isn't whether she can handle college or what accomodations she might benefit from, but "rescission" of admission. Look on the fall college's website or call the admissions office to get completely clear on the details.

It's happened many times before to other students so colleges generally have a plan on how to handle it, one just has to find out what it is. The plan for some serious lapses may be rescinding admission but short of that there may be other ways they handle those kinds of problems: deferment for a year for example, or allowing the student to matriculate conditional on their completing all admission requirements by Jan 1st.

I would try to get a really quick feel for whether the current college will scrub the classes or allow re-dos, whether she can complete what she needs to over the summer. But also go to the fall college as soon as possible to see how this affects admission, not delay complete honesty with them any longer than absolutely necessary.

Lastly it seems interesting that she just started taking ADD meds and coincidentally lost some months out of her life. I know you said the prescription was not until 6 weeks into the semester, her problem with class really started perhaps 2 weeks in. Still...a consult with her doctor about unusual behavior might be in order. An unintended side effect of stimulants or stimulant-like-medications could be over-confidence about one's abilities or situation, another possible side effect is anxiety, there are probably other relevant ones I'm not thinking of. Either could help explain not why she skipped class initially but perhaps why she dealt with it the way she did for such an extended period of time. Your complete shock over her behavior says it was not like her.

The college for the fall, and the current college too, are more likely to be forgiving about a unintended consequence of a prescribed medication than many alternative explanations. Letters from her doctor and/or psychologist might be helpful. Even if they felt she was doing great whenever they saw her in the last couple months, and even if some aspects of her life are better, a revelation about the onset of chronic lying, evasion and irresponsible behavior may alter their estimations.

I don't mean in any way to imply that ADD meds aren't incredibly useful medications for ADD. But there are dosage issues, individual temperament, concurrent diagnoses, etc which can potentially make it tricky. It may have nothing whatsoever to do with her behavior but it is worth exploring the possibility.

Polly

Hi Nik,

I don't have any advice but just wanted to let you know I'm sending good thoughts to you and DD. I hope she can withdraw without penalty from those courses and start fresh.

I would imagine your DD will need some time to get used to her "new" diagnosis, and what it means to her, and how she feels about herself. Seventeen is a hard age for anyone.