I've discovered that traditional discipline methods don't work on my son.
Join the club! Since Gifted children don't develop at the regular pace, and their development is so 'each part of them at a different stage' then lots of techniques don't give the same result that they do for kids with more usual developmental paths. I think what happens eventually is that we try everything, and keep the parts that suit our families. We develop a 'mom gut' that can guide us, but until then we keep reading the books and thinking 'what's wrong with me that I can't make this work.' Newsflash: That doesn't help one bit!
Time out, for example, has become a time for him to sit in a chair and make up a story, which he enthusiastically tells me after I let him out. I'm glad he's using his imagination, but it's not a negative thing for him and therefore does not deter the bad behavior.
Great Example. Don't worry that it isn't detering bad behavior though, think about it, even the most adversive punishments (spanking comes to mind) doesn't really deter future bad behavior. At the best 'punishments' in general make the punisher feel like they have done something, and relieve the guilt the punishee might have been feeling, but I haven't observed that they deter future bad behavior. Think back to yourself as a child...how often were you about to do something bad, but stopped yourself for fear of a punishment?
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He finds loopholes in every single rule I make. Last night I tucked him in and told him to stay in bed (he has a habit of finding any excuse to get up). Fifteen minutes later I found him playing with his star wars figures....still in bed. When I confronted him about it, he said, "I am in bed, like you told me!" I told him before he went to school yesterday to tell his teacher he was ready for his AR test. He didn't take the test. When I asked him why, he said, "You didn't tell me to take it TODAY!" He sneaks up on me. He has this ability to start with a minor violation that I either barely notice, or I don't think is significant enough to do anything about.
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This is really common. At our house we had to make a rule 'no lawyering' which meant that DS was expected to take my perspective and obey even if he could think of a wordplay to escape. I had to learn to make a flat stoney face so that whenever he broke the 'no lawyering' rule I could project the idea 'You are responsible for taking my perspective and following the spirit of the law.'
It may take a while for a child to learn to take the parental perspective, but it is such a valuable lesson. If the child shows any humor or 'I got 'ya!' attitude, then they are old enough to start being held accountable. It's ok to have a rule 'no disrespect' that includes to making fun of Mom when she is being serious.
Then over days or weeks, it slowly gets worse and worse until I suddenly realize that he's acting like a brat and I have allowed it!
Welcome to the club. I like the book 'Transforming the Difficult Child Workbook' because it helps you write up 'house rules,' encourages you to enforce 'even the small infractions' and mainly, teaches parents to teach the rules by praise.
He also tends to be overemotional, which I have heard is very common among gifted children. I mentioned the other day that our cat was getting old and he fretted all evening about how she might die soon - despite my reassuring him that she wasn't quite THAT old. If he misses one question on a test, he comes home near tears, even though I try not to stress him out about his grades.
I wouldn't call this a disipline issue, just a question of temperment. I believe that the more exposure he gets to challenging academic environments and handling small sadnesses the sooner he will learn to handle them calmly. Again, praise every time you see even the slightest hint of self-management. Teach self-management when he isn't riled up. Point out when you are using self-management. Let your child overhear you being proud of how he exercised self-management while talking to other people. It's slow, but it worked for us.
The best part is that you aren't alone. Not all gifted children act like this (some have older siblings that polish off the corners quite nicely before anyone has a chance to notice them, some are just born that way) but lots of them do at times. You can tell us about how frustrating it is - and we won't blame you. We'll understand.
I've had elementary school teachers tell me to my face that 'we understand that he's like this because you have a career/work outside the home/only had one child/had him later in life.' Classic association/causation confusion - one of the great human misunderstandings - but NOT HELPFUL. Even though my son is now 14 and doing very nicely, thank you, I still resent being blamed for his behavior, and I still resent myself for being such easy prey in the 'blame mom' game.
BTW: I'm not a fan of the 'How to Talk' books for kids who do already make connections and see how things work, because the very nature of the 'little talks' is so ambiguous for our kids. One one hand they love being the center of attention and the intimacy. On the other hand they build a self-image as 'the kid with the behavior problem.' There is what you say -negative, negative, negative. And what you do - eye contact, hand on shoulder, don't pick up the phone, focus - delicious, slurp, slurp.
For lecuture while the child isn't breaking any rules, you might try
"I Can Problem Solve"The I Can Problem Solve (ICPS) is a school-based intervention that trains ... For information on Dr. Shure's books on I Can Problem Solve for Schools, ...
www.thinkingpreteen.com/icps.htmbut I would be sure to use it only when things are going well.
Love and More Love,
Grinity
