How do you stop to do meditation when you need to remain hypervigilant because you are in the middle of a nightmare? How do you take deep breaths when the smell is making you sick?
Yesterday, my sister took my dad to the hospital because he has had heart problems in the past and recent tests showed there might again be a problem. We all thought it would be like last time and he would need to stay overnight. My dad gave me a crash course in taking care of my mother and how to deal with typical difficulties. He said his best advice for me was just to "improvise." My mother is totally incontinent. Sometimes she doesn't want to get her clothes changed and she sits down and I am not strong enough to pick her up. My dad can't do it either. He says you have to leave her there until she decides to get up. I now realize there is a big safety issue here. What if there is a fire or a tornado? I changed my kids' diapers but this is not anything like that because I could control their behavior since they were a lot smaller than me. I had to give my mother medication several times a day on schedule and it took a long time because she spits out pills. I had to pick them up and put them in her mouth. She bit my dad once when he did this. I wiped my kids' noses and cleaned them from head to toe and it didn't bother me. This is my mother and she was a wonderful mother. I must be horrible to be having such trouble with this. I promised my dad years ago when my mother suffered the damage to her brain that I would support his decision to take care of her at home and would help in any way I could. My son was four. I didn't know we would have to homeschool and he would have disabilities that required more frequent doctor visits than the average kid. All I knew was that he was incredibly smart so I thought everything would be easy.
While taking care of my mother, I got a call from my son. He outgrew his scoliosis brace and the velcro was no longer working and I had to use a safety pin to keep it from slipping. He can't go to the bathroom with the brace on and he can't take it off by himself with the safety pin in back. He said it was an emergency. I had to run next door and fix that problem and so it was back and forth like that all day. We have had to do a lot of unschooling lately because of circumstances beyond our control. His knowledge of history and science and vocabulary and current events continues to grow but he doesn't find time to do math if I leave it up to him. He also "forgets" to do his exercises or his head hurts too much to do them even though he knows the brace will make his weak core muscles even weaker if he doesn't do them.
Even though I tried to maintain my state of hypervigilance at home with my son while also keeping an eye on my parents next door I didn't notice that the velcro straps on my son's brace were loosening each time he sneezed or moved. We think this is why there was a progression even though he wore the brace all summer even through the long musical theater rehearsals. When we started using the safety pin it was like he had to get used to the brace all over again with the back pain. When my son is in pain, I swear I feel it too. I felt horrible for not noticing but he wears a shirt over the brace and I couldn't see that there was a problem. So I feel I need to be even more hypervigilant than I am.
I can't take anxiety medications because they make me too tired to deal with what I must deal with. I am afraid the doctor will want to increase my blood pressure medication which will make me even more tired. I say little prayers throughout the day. I am doing the best I know how to do.
