competitive, obsessional and intense.
...mummy just needs five minutes to herself.
He interupts,
talks over people,
shouts and d
emands to know the ins and outs of whatever it is that I am discussing with another adult
I am virtually unable to make or receive a phone call when he is at home.
He demands attention and interaction every waking hour at times.
In the car demands answers to questions and even gives directions(go left here, get in the other lane mummy, change gear, stop at the red light, second exit at the roundabout)
He also has tantrums
Is this normal for g+t kids or do I have a problem on my hands.
He barged past them shouting, I was first and pushed them out the way. (My DS is slow moving and never gets anywhere first, but always wanted to be the first in every line and at age 5 would have no compuntion about shouting and pushing)
At times he can be supersentive
others he can be super sized insensitive and downright rude.
He doesn't seem to read the social signals,
other times he has commented on something that not even other adults have picked up on. E.g when people are in pain and hiding it, issues arond access for disabled people is a big one.
(This one was a huge deal for us all through elementary school, finally I have up and let them write 'has difficulty reading social cues' in his file, but really lots of it was that
a) he was picking up subtle cues that the adults didn't want to claim, and
b) sometimes he just didn't care about hurting other's feelings (I can imagine him feeling that they hurt his feelings all the time by expecting him to do baby work, so it's it normal to hurt other people's feelings?)
Nothing in between.
He barges in on conversations,
is rude and demanding and interferes in everything.
His teacher complains that he is socially immature.Anyone else experience this?
OK, DS12 is now a perfectly nice person, still can be rude/supersensitive and a bit of a Maverick, but much much calmer. I highlighted all the things that I could remember from age 5. He had a behavior chart in 1st and 2nd grade of school.
Do you have a problem on your hands? Yes and No - I believe that for my child, I was seeing a child with a bad combination of 'normal gifted intensity' and anxiety/'reaction to a bad school fit.'
What helped us was
Flylady and her structure.
Me getting used to his unusally high needs, like a child with a disability. Me always remembering to take care of myself, so that I could spread calm, because my DS was always feeding off my own energy.
Journaling about which one behavior was bothering me the most and sticking to that one thing and letting everything else roll off my back.
Bucking in and buying him a handheld computer game, that I could treaten to 'take away' for 5 minutes if I really needed a behavior of his to Stop.
The book 'the explosive child' has some good tips.
For me, the hallmark of those years was 'pick my battles' - it was easier for me to refuse to do something innapropriate and make him earn my compliance with good behavior than it was for me to try and make him do something that I couldn't make him do.
BTW, DS12 recently said to me - Mom, it's not that I don't know when I'm hurting other people's feelings, it's just that I don't always care.
There are times when not being overly interested in how other people feel can allow you to 'do the right thing.' Looking back at my childhood, I was always more concerned with safety than people's feelings. Telling people, I object to that sort of racist humor, does hurt their feelings, but it is worth it. Here I've tried to develop my skill at very lovingly being 'cruel to be kind' when I think it's needed. I wish I was better at it.
I realized that your son's aims and goal aren't as lofty as all that now, but if you see his intensity and commitment to his vision as something to be nurtured, I wouldn't be suprised if his aims and goals get bigger quite soon.
As for the present moment, will your son watch TV or play internet games such as Adventure Quest or Runescape, or handheld games? Of course hooking up with a teenager or grandparent type who can devote one-to-one time is more ideal. Check with your place of worship or local high school, as teens there may be expected to do 'good works' of somekind, and entertaining your high need kid qualifies in my book.
I have no doubt that you can get through this, and that in time, the demands will be less daily. Consentrate on day to day survival and find those teachable moments when you can. We really really looked for 'what else' could be causing my son's weird behavior back then, and never found anything besides: "Asynchronous Development." Luckily with time that becomes less of a challenge. LOL - and then puberty hits and all the other kids finally start acting as weird as your kid has always been, what a relief!
Love and More Love,
Grinty
