Your son sounds a bit like my daughter last year, although he has had a lot more to deal with emotionally. I can't help with any of the family dynamic issues, but I will share what seems to be working for her behavior issues. This time last year, we didn't even know there were levels of giftedness, and the school was treating her issues as a behavior problem (in fact, they suggested she could be ADHD or bipolar). I can't tell you how many times we spent a weekend cancelling all of our fun family plans so she could get caught up on her schoolwork - it was terrible! We had been trying to support the teacher, doing whatever she wanted us to do - punishments, incentives - none of it worked for more than a week or so. Finally, her Gifted Teacher (pullout program only 2.5 hours/wk) tested her IQ, and we had our explanation.
Have you told your son that he is in an upper level of giftedness? We did not tell our daughter her score, but explained the different levels and that people in the upper levels need even more challenging work than the pullout program. We started treating her differently at home, including working to stretch her mentally in math, reading with her, which she loves, science, etc. We decided on a minimum amount of things she had to get done on time (ie brush teeth and hair), and started being flexible with everything else. We then re-vamped our summer, putting her in a gifted camp, adding piano lessons, swim lessons, and gymastics (anything interesting to her in which she could excel at her own pace). She blossomed, and within a month was her old (prior to 1st grade) self. Fast forward to now, a month or so into 3rd grade. She is having some issues in school even with the curriculum changes they are making (including subject acceleration), but I'm thrilled to say that she's still great at home (and school issues are less often). No homework battles or anything. She was home sick one day a week or so ago, and while I worked from home, she chose to spend her day doing science experiments, reading nonfiction, playing piano and skipping around the house happy as can be. She even voluntarily cleaned up around the house a bit (I was so shocked - she really hates house chores). Now if I can get her school to stop considering her a behavior problem and continue to improve the curriculum for her, I think she'll be able to decide for herself how much of her potential she wants to reach.
I wish I had stopped considering the school the "experts" sooner and listened to my intuition, or better yet, my daughter. She had been telling me over and over that the work was too easy. Have you asked your son what is going on with him? I'm always amazed at how insightful my daughter is when I actually listen to her.
Anyway, I hope this helps. Good luck.
