They sound like pretty normal children to me. When you talk to them about what they want to do or what they are thinking about when they stare off into space, what do they say? Do they have a clear understanding of their role and your expectations? You might be surprised about their interpretation.
My brother worked out that to get a hug, you first did something to get in trouble. After mom disciplined him, she would then later give him a hug. She only figured out what was going on when trying to figure out why he was negotiating the punishment down to a pat on the head. Once she had that conversation, then they agreed he could just ask for a hug.
Your kids probably also have a natural desire to be independent. Instead of putting their dishes in the sink, what if they put everyone's dishes in the sink? In other words, give them opportunities to be the 'grown up'. All of the reminders and task lists and gamification can reinforce the impression that your need is someone to remind to do things instead of someone to be 'grown up'. The kids want to satisfy your needs, so consciously or subconsciously they act in a way that lets you play the role they think you desire. Kids whose parents literally need their children to be grown up (due to illness or some other incapacity) are usually pretty good at taking care of essentials.
