Welcome!
You've received great advice and compelling personal experiences. I'll just add a few links and resources in the event you may not have already come across them.
My 10yo DD has been increasingly complaining about school for a few years.
Good thing she has you as her mom; You can relate to what she is describing, based on your own school experiences.
I now regret not addressing this earlier
Don't be harsh toward yourself, many parents learn about the difficulties which gifted kids face in school, only when their child is mired in distress. You are not alone, and you have found a good place here for information and support.
... academically rigorous... differentiated
Recently her complaints about math have especially increased, to the point where I'm almost embarrassed to bring them up with the school because she sounds so entitled and dismissive of the math program...
In speaking with the school, a parent does not repeat the child's complaints. Instead, a parent does a bit of prep work and record keeping, and follows
advocacy tips and advice which have been known to be generally effective, while always remaining focused on the child's needs.
I think she needs independent and/or accelerated learning at her own grade level
Curriculum placement, pacing, and instruction in her zone of proximal development (ZPD)... in the company of academic/intellectual peers. Check your
State Laws and School Policies (often online, at the school's website). Look for any statement of support for all students learning, growing, achieving, etc... anything which may be used to back a potential request for meeting your daughter's educational needs.
gives up immediately and refuses to ask for help
This may be the
result of not having appropriate academic/intellectual challenge.
Her teacher is making efforts to keep her engaged and has assigned her own "teacher" desk and pairs her up with students who need more help and encouragement. At first this was helpful and both her editing and communication skills improved, but it quickly lost it's impact and she complains that she wants to write more.
Exactly. Your child's school time should be spent primarily on her instruction and growth... not on her tutoring other children.
so used to being the "best" she can't handle any kind of constructive criticism
The book
mindset by Carol Dweck may be of interest. You also mentioned praise; Praising
effort, struggle, persistence, perseverance, learning from mistakes, etc, is believed to be most effective. Somewhat related, there are books by Angela Duckworth about developing "grit".
will wander off and avoid it until she gets bored with whatever distraction she has found. She eventually implements the feedback, usually better than I asked her to
Possibly she is a person who incorporates feedback by putting an idea "on the back burner" to think it through and make it her own? On the other hand, if there is no academic/intellectual competitor at school, she may need and benefit from a bit of friendly competition at home?
You asked what a year of academic growth would be. If your school uses tests such as NWEA
MAP (Northwest Evaluation Association's
Measures of Academic Progress), these could provide beginning points, goals, and information as to a child's rate of academic growth.
At some point shouldn't there must be some personal responsibility in finding ways to engage or use critical thinking skills in a book or concept that seems easy?
She may be a bit young for student self-advocacy, especially if she has not seen a parent role-model
successful advocacy.
Unfortunately none of this is "easy" because under common core the goal of the US public schools is to close achievement gaps and excellence gaps and have equal outcomes among all students.
