Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums THINKING BIG About Gifted Education Feeling Overwhelmed

My son is an only child. We knew that he was very smart but we did not have any other children to compare him. It was his first grade teacher who brought it to our attention that he may be gifted. The testing confirmed our suspicions. Now my husband and I are trying to figure out the best way to parent him and provide educational support. Not being very familiar with giftedness, I have a million questions and a very difficult time finding answers.

I have questions like how much of this do I share with my son and when should I share this information? Is it rude or boastful to share this information with other parents? How do I handle his constant need to debate with me, super sensitivity and extreme competitiveness? He's thriving in public school, should I be looking to enroll him in some type of giftedness program? What if I put it in a gifted school and he doesn't perform well?

I'm new to this so feedback is appreciated.

Thanks!

Welcome, Michael's Mom!

I share almost no information about my DC's testing with other parents, almost ever (even close friends, other than perhaps admitting in context that they are "a bit bright,"). Some of our close family know (grandparents, primarily). Generally, sharing with other parents, IMO, can only lead to discomfort, jealousy, and possibly even an attempt to take you or your kid "down a peg."

My DC know that they have attended "gifted programs," since they could read and they have signs with "gifted" in the title. We really have not talked about what that means very much, but mine are young - 9 and 6.

Remember that your son is still the same kid he was before you had the testing done, and it is just a snapshot in time or a datapoint. It should not define him, or how you feel about him (and I'm not suggesting that it does). I know this might be hard (shouldn't we have higher expectations?), but try not to let him feel any increased pressure or expectations as a result of the testing.

Best wishes! I think many of your questions can be answered here.

We're outliers in that we told DD her score... however this was because she was convinced by a poor educational environment that she was stupid or that something was wrong with her. I'd say that you share the information with him or others on a need to know basis.

Other people aren't going to be interested in hearing about your results anyway. In the US, it's socially acceptable to brag about athletic or artistic achievement, but not intellectual. Your biggest challenge will probably be keeping him from being bored and getting him the most appropriate education (thought if the school brought it up to begin with, that's a good sign).

The key thing in understanding behavior is to realize that some of the intensity and sensitivity is due giftedness and not an attempt to misbehave. That can be helpful to you as a parent. Otherwise you just keep loving them and accepting them as they are, you know?

Oh, and you stay here so that you can commiserate and brag in a supportive environment.

Welcome!
How much to share may vary greatly by family and even by child. The time to share is often when the child asks directly or indirectly (for example: expresses curiosity about metacognition, observes and comments on being different, wonders about intelligence, etc.) Some books which may be helpful for a child processing this information include The Survival Guide for Gifted Kids and 101 Success Secrets for Gifted Kids. Parents may wish to become familiar with any book prior to passing it along to their DC. A previous thread on this topic here.

Unfortunately, it may be taken that way. If others begin to seem overly curious for a number, an effective way to deflect can be nonchalantly mentioning that
- IQ scores occur in a range
- IQ score equivalencies may vary from test to test.

Commiseration on forums can be helpful, as can reading books such as A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children, and Living with Intensity, and Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students. Kids may like the book Understanding Myself or Emotions! or How Do You Doodle? or The Boy Who Didn't Want to be Sad from Magination Press.

While a gifted kiddo is thriving, enjoy this time to read all you can. Although each child is unique and each family has a unique journey, you may wish to become familiar with what you may reasonably expect to encounter on the path ahead.

Many public schools may offer some type of gifted programming. You may wish to become familiar with your State policies and also your local school district policies.

Depending upon the myriad issues which may be involved, you may choose to advocate or you may decide it was not the right "fit" and refine your criteria for your next search for a learning environment in which your child will thrive... best fit or least-worst fit.

Thanks for the insight. I'm sure I'll have more questions!

Welcome to this bewildering world!

My first response is, if he's thriving, enjoy it and don't mess with with it. A happy kid is what we're all looking for.

Some kids do great in public school, others struggle to fit in, academically, socially, or both. Most, I suspect, have different needs at different times. Now, when everything is going well, is a good time for you to do your research on what kinds of schooling options you may have, when, and what would be required to access them. At the same time, forums and sites like Hoagies can help you see what kinds of issues may - or may not! - arise with your son over time. You have the freedom of some time to think about what benefits - or problems - could make you want to change schools. It really comes down to finding the right fit with your kid, rather than the schools themselves.

My impression is that it's not uncommon for the need for different kinds of schooling to grow as the kids do. Grade 1 math may be boring, but school can still have some novelty and fun social interaction. But when they're still doing the same math in grade 4, and their peers are really starting to take notice of how different they are - well, then you might need a different kind of environment.

With a happy kid, and teachers who care enough to identify and support, it sounds like you are off to a great start! Good luck.

Welcome!

I'm sure one of the first things you'll notice on this forum, in books about giftedness, and in conversations with others, is that every child and every experience is different. When we started down this road, we were hoping for a "magic bullet"—the book that would answer all our questions, or the website that would hit the nail right on the head. There are general ideas that can be helpful, but you'll figure it out since you know your son better than anyone else.

Just take everyone's input and individual stories with a grain of salt and sift through to see what you can use.

For example, my sister's DS12 is gifted and they have found a path with him that works very well for them. He attends public school with some pull-out sessions at the local high school for some of the areas in which is excels. He likes it, she likes it, and everyone is pretty comfortable.

On the other hand, we home school our DS6 because of bad experiences with a school in kindergarten (bullying, unresponsive teachers/administrators, boredom, etc.), and the fact that he's advanced enough in certain topics that an elementary school's grade skip option or pull-out classes wouldn't really be enough. Our school district also does not test for giftedness until late 2nd grade for entrance into moderate gifted classes in 3rd grade. They won't really even talk to us about it since our son is only 6. So, my wife teaches him during the day with help from books, online resources and a scientist friend. It's not an easy path, but the best option we've found so far.

We don't really talk test scores with family or friends since most don't have appropriate context to understand what the scores mean. Besides that, it can be alienating. Some can see it as bragging and they push you away. Others can handle it OK. You'll find your confidants with whom you can have frank discussions. This site is a good platform for that.

There are also debates about how to talk to your child about his/her intelligence. I have found some utility in an article by Sal Khan (of Khan Academy) titled The Learning Myth: Why I'll Never Tell My Son He's Smart. The gist is this:


It's a tough tightrope act. You don't want your child to be ashamed of being smart, but you also don't want them throwing it in people's faces, or resting on their laurels.

Just take a breath, realize that you've done a good job so far, you're the best person to handle it going forward, and we're here for you.

This has been posted on other threads, but since there are always new members joining the forum, and since the article mentions mindset and Carol Dweck... Have you read the book Mindset by Carol Dweck? One aspect or application is that gifted kids may stop taking appropriate risks in order to always be "right" or always be seen as "smart" or never be "wrong", and this may work against them as a fixed mindset and lack of resilience.

The concept of fixed mindset vs growth mindset is nicely summarized in this brief roundup of youtube videos:
1- Ashley Merryman & Po Bronson: The Myth of Praise (link- )
2- Teaching a Growth Mindset (link- )

You are not alone. I feel overwhelmed every day and my child is in kindergarten at a public school and complains that school is boring and he hates school everyday.

That's great the teacher brought it to your attention. That means he/she will have a vested interest in your child's development and is a good sign that he/she will be his advocate.

It sounds like your son and my son are very similar! The debating, competitiveness, sensitivity and intensity have become my everyday interaction with my son . I admit he drives me completely insane sometimes. But he's also the sweetest boy I know and I love him deeply.

You have my support!

Welcome to this community. Believe me, you are not alone! I have helped to ease any anxiety related to this by reading a ton of books on giftedness, and by finding this community. I would also suggest checking out Hoagies Gifted Education and consider DYS. Best of luck to you!!