We started from a philosophical point of view that is strength/asset-based. The ADHD-type traits of a child are only pathological (disordered) when they are not properly managed, or are in a poor fit with the environment. Our objective was not to eliminate or pathologize attributes of our child, or re-name them as character defects, but to restore autonomy, so that our child would be able to employ and appreciate those qualities as a choice, instead of being ruled by them.
Self-determination has been a major theme of ours, with all of our children, which includes self-management, responsibility, understanding and valuing oneself. Because this is a theme that is constant in our house, no one is singled out; each person (adults included) has a different set of challenges and resources. One person is impulsive and highly active: that individual is working on managing physical and verbal activity in such a way that one demonstrates respect for other persons’ physical and sound space, and their self-determination. Another is passionate and emotionally intense: this one is developing cognitive restraints for emotional lability, so as not to be incapacitated by emotional flooding, and also to avoid imposing overflow on unsuspecting bystanders.
Practically speaking, we started from heavily scaffolding behavioral and organizational expectations, designing for a high likelihood of success, and then faded supports gradually from one end or the other of the behavioral sequence as our child became more skilled. We treat every incident instructionally (unless there is clear evidence of a volitional element, in which case we try to separate the chosen from the unchosen behaviors and engage in a different kind of instruction—not always successfully, but at least we make it clear to the child that we are not trying to punish them for something that they didn’t do intentionally).
We use external supports to make internal executive functions visible. For example, using a timer to help define time-on-task/sustained attention. Discussing what it feels like when one is focused. Exploring the kind of internal and external cues that help one to remember tasks. Visual cues for transitions, task lists, and schedules. Constant, frequent, specific reinforcement and shaping of self-management behaviors. Leaving lots of time for multistep tasks and transitions (such as leaving the house for anything), so that we have the time to verbalize planning and organization strategies, and to allow supported attempts at implementing them. Collaboration with the child to problem-solve through difficult-to-change behaviors. Much repetition and patience!
I thought I was an exceptionally patient and gentle person before I had children; I learned that I still have a long way to go before I am the person I would like to be! (And I express this to my children, especially on the days when I am unable to live up to my own principles.) Be patient and gentle with yourself as well.
I guess this is more of a perspective or a guiding principle than a specific technique.
