Thanks, everyone. Misery loves company, but it's heartbreaking to hear all these familiar stories.
The five point list is perfect. In our case, control and cognitive ability are the main problems with the difficult administrator. Interestingly I find the greatest resistance comes from the educators with children and I wonder how much of that is a personal reaction to what they see as a suggestion that my child is more able than theirs. I'm suggesting no such thing, but the reactions seem so personal/emotional.
I sought assistance from another administrator who promised to follow up. Crickets. No response to my emails, either, and DD6 is already complaining about math (and doing the same worksheets as everyone else). This is going to be a very long year.