This is hard for kids with ASD or other social delays to get. And it doesn't have to be severe. There's a girl in my neighborhood who is not socially delayed at all, but who is used to being leader of the pack.
Once I told her point-blank: "You don't get it. They don't have to do what you say. Just because you want to do it doesn't mean anything. It just means YOU want it. They are their own people and they will do what they want, and what they like, just like you. And that's okay. And you have to leave them alone, because trying to make them do what you want is wrong, because it's irritating. You can invite but you can't force or badger them. PLEASE STOP."
Her mom had said the same thing in so many words, but she hadn't listened. After that it got a lot better, but the same kid (who has no problems at school--I get the feeling she's a bit of a queen bee there, not cruel-hearted but definitely bossy) still says, "But when you don't do what I want, I kind of feel bad."
We just keep repeating, "Yeah, life is hard like that, having to compromise. But you're getting better at it. Keep trying!"
binip, this is awesome! I so wish people would do this with my DD, who does have some ASD-ish traits. She really cares what others think of her and wants to be friends, but seems so focused on her own mindset that she doesn't get it when people aren't thrilled by her behavior--unless they explain it clearly as you did. I think you did that girl (and her mother, and everyone else in her life) a great service, and I wish others would do the same. Unfortunately people seem to assume that DD does 'get it' and is just being a jerk and sometimes feel that then it is fair to be a jerk in return, I think partly because her verbal skills are so good they assume that her social skills and understanding are equally good. Good for you!
