Thanks so much for the thoughtful responses.
Squishys, Saritz and Kai - your stories sound like mine. And if there was one standout thing I wanted for my own children it was that they not have my experience of school. But he sounded just like me when he was talking about it - "so boring", "I don't care about those dumb things", "I hate school and I'm going to drop out as soon as I can". Etc.
As some have noted, we've got a differed system here, so he's just about to go into his last year in primary school, and then it's high school. So this last report really mattered in terms of our chances of getting into a decent high school. He's dropped from an A/B to a B/C and now to a C/D, with a lot of teachers' comments about talking in class and not working. Part of the reason he was upset with those comments was that he's apparently (didn't discuss with me) deliberately moved himself away from friends in the last few months so that he could concentrate more in class, but it obviously wasn't (soon?) enough to make a difference.
We changed schools at the beginning of the year to a more academic school that offered a multi-age class, and it seemed to be an improvement. This sudden drop has come as a shock to us all, but it's the last week of school so too late to ask any questions this year. Among my questions would be the discrepancies between his class report and the results of our national standardised testing. I'd like to know how a kid who scores out of assessed range for reading and maths in that testing only gets Cs in classwork.
I think it's a mix of problems - partly he's genuinely uninterested (and honestly I have to sympathise), partly he's a little daunted because the standard at this school is slightly higher and he'd lost a bit of ground in some subjects at the previous school. And partly he has absolutely no work ethic, which I need to address in a big way. Although will be battling the influence of the other parent on that one, which will be a large and ongoing problem. His father has very significant stress management problems (PTSD), to the degree that the boys are now living with me full time. But the influence is still considerable, and giving up/making excuses/retreating to TV or video games is the response of choice.
MON, I'm really drawn to the idea of talking things through with him and letting him make his own choices, as I'm not a naturally authoritarian parent either. But like you I think that the only thing I can do now is really come down firmly (on the father as well as the children). So what I'm currently leaning towards is maths tutoring in the holidays to bring him up to a really good standard, so that he's got at least one subject to feel confident about initially. Intrusive homework/project monitoring. Hotline to the teacher if she's willing, though really I don't have much faith in the education system any more. And quite possibly some draconian rules around TV and computer use.
Am anticipating ugly scenes and needing to meditate *a lot*. I just wish I could feel a little more confident that I'll be able to make a difference.
Deacongirl - thanks for the reference, I'll chase the book tomorrow.
