Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Underachievement success stories?

Thanks for posting this. Parent of 11 year old girl here!

When she hit 6th grade, it was the first time that the kids could get bad grades even if they did their homework. The first time anybody had to study to pass tests. So, the kids started to notice that dd was getting good grades, and they were shocked that they weren't. Two of her buddies pressured her to join with them in underachieving and talking back to teachers, and generally doing things to protect their fragile egos. Thankfully, my dd said no and offered to help them with their studies. Then the "smart" group emerged, and they are pretty good friends but she says they are "uptight" about their grades and not as fun as the underachievers.

And as parents we were unsure. We are not authoritarian type parents. For 7th grade, we had thankfully been able to work out that dd would do three classes in substitution of the curriculum. We told her that we were concerned that she wasn't learning anything, and she agreed.

She thought it would be OK but, then the other kids noticed, and she really missed them when she saw them walking to class while she and I sat in the glass enclosed media center. She begged to go to the regular classes and I was really torn! She wasn't asking to be an underachiever. She was asking to be a regular kid. We had a lot of soul searching and I asked for advice here. Pretty much people told me to step it up and be the parent so that her options would remain open because kids this age are not ready to know what they want.

So, we talked a ton about "being true to yourself" and the reasons some of her friends were beginning to act out and how even though she was struggling, we had done a lot of work to help her figure out who she is and how she wants to live her life, and now was the time to put that work to practice. Well, she still wasn't ready to make the "right" choice. She decided she just wanted to be a regular kid and maybe even drop out of GT. SO, mom and dad had to be the parents.

We told her that she is who she is and she is unique in some ways that are very different from the other kids. And that we would not allow her to forsake her intellect. (we talked about cultural pressure from extended family who do not support girl intellect, pressure and confusion her friends were feeling, and how she could help them to be true to themselves while being true to herself.) We knew she was feeling turmoil so we were going to make some decisions and that when we make decisions for her, we know we may be making mistakes because we don't have all the information that is in her head, so we'd just have to try it our way and be flexible.

After the fireworks were over, she came to accept it, and allowed herself to engage in her schoolwork with me (prior to that it was like pulling teeth. I was getting exhausted trying to get her to show an interest). And now, even though it's only been 3 months, it feels like a year. We are at a place where she is feeling better about using her brain. And I feel like we have set the ground work.

This is probably way more than you need to know, but the bottom line is we learned that you have to be the parent and guide your child. I feel like in general, people feel better when they are challenging themselves and meeting goals. Nobody likes to plod along wondering if they could do more but not willing to take the risk, and then begin looking for something "safe" (like acting out) to stimulate their senses.....Not a good path, even if a necessary detour for some kids.

If you can show your child how to push themselves to meet goals that are in keeping with their personality and values, they feel better about it all around. Getting there is not easy, especially for kids who are not used to taking in outside direction, but it's so necessary and worth it. Says the parent who has just begun.