Epoh, all situations are a bit different, but the general pattern is a warning the behavior, words etc. are unacceptable. Letting her know what is acceptable, or asking what is acceptable (kind words, kind tone etc). Asking how she can "fix" the situation - she usually knows. Allowing time for reflection (if necessary) and when she and DS are both ready, facilitating the fix (DS still needs a bit of help). If that doesn't work, which doesn't always, then it is separation of the two (in what ever manner works for the moment)- DD may be given the non-negotiable opportunity of going to her room to take some time to cool off. When she is ready she can join the family with a kind a loving attitude. I am consistent and the rules are as clear as they can be. But the exhausting part is the pattern repeats itself often. I haven't found the special toy, thing, activity yet that motivates her and I've tried many. She may be upset for a minute, but there is no lasting impression.
The reason I posted is because I initially thought it was mommy time - she is a real mama's girl. But even extra time only seemed to stave off the behavior for a small amount of time (10-20 min). Then I stumbled upon reading and DH has started playing chess with DD. The best way i can describe it is that both activities seem to "flip a switch" in DD and when the activity is done she is so kind, loving and plays so well for at least an hour or two with her brother.
Puffin, I haven't given it much thought about someone making decisions for her and is a really good point. There had in the past been feedback from school DD was not selecting her own tasks as they would like her to. I feel like I do provide suggestions of activities when necessary, but I will mull that over a bit more.
