We used to have long, long talks that may start with an empty (but sincere sounding) apology, and then with a little probing, we'd find out why she felt justified in her behavior. We'd talk about the impact and did she want to scare other children, and we'd talk about other ways to get the same results. We eventually moved to how to channel that great manipulative power away from the dark side, toward a better purpose. It was definitely a "tight rope walking without a net" experience that was counter to the expert recommendations, and wasn't something I shared with anyone but DH. But, it worked out great and she trusts us and talks to us about things, and is a positive and powerful leader at school. When I think about where we could have been if we didn't intervene, I know it was all worth it.
Yup-- all very familiar here, too.
Especially the part where you kind of have to trust your gut, and not all of the so-called "experts" (and boy, OH BOY, does everyone have an opinion about parenting a difficult/stubborn child).
Even DH listened in disbelief at some of the things that those earnest conversations with DD revealed when she was this age. It made me doubt my sanity that my 4yo could very calmly and rationally point out how easy it was to manipulate adults.
Do I think that scared her? Maybe. I'm not really sure.
I do know that kids like this basically have to solve their OWN behavioral problems (which can be legion)-- the key is learning that parents are seriously immovable forces. Well, at least it was for my DD.
I also agree with DeeDee, though-- it won't help to spend your energy being scared for her, as natural as that response is.
I think that I probably
would nag her to open up and come clean, though. That
did really help ME when I thought I was going to lose my mind. It made ME way less scared to know that the behaviors
were completely under DD's control.
I had to rely on my gut, though, to KNOW when DD was not being truthful with me, and to gently but firmly say "Hmmmm-- that's interesting, but are you sure that's actually true? Seems like {evidence/anecdote/or just gut feeling} says otherwise. What do you think about that?"
Pick the parent that can get inside her head best. That's my advice.
