My advice is to really think through the details of what's going on, and that may give you some clarity re what to do next.
My son was miserably bored in a public school. They had two levels of learning and he was in the higher level and still bored. He wasn't doing great socially, but it wasn't awful either.
I think it's really easy as a parent to assume the reason for out-of-the-norm behaviors is due to our kids being exceptionally intellectually gifted - but that might or might not be what's up. As the mom of a 2e kid, I can tell you that I missed some very important clues early on in my ds' education simply because I assumed things that didn't exactly make sense or fall in place were happening only because he was bored and under-challenged. When you said that in the public school your ds "wasn't doing great socially" - what exactly does that mean? (I'm not asking you to rehash details here if you don't want to, just suggesting you think through what was going on in detail).
I switched him to a small private school, but had him skip 2nd grade. 3rd grade was a little rough socially, but a great fit academically.
Again, think through what the social issues were in 3rd grade. It's typical for most children to have a year here or there in school where socially things just don't gel, and it's nothing to think twice about. But if you're seeing a year-after-year pattern of social challenges, even when you're mixing up the academics etc to a level that your ds should be at.... that may mean there is something more than "gifted" to the equation. It could be 2e, or it could simply be a child who needs some help with social skills, or maybe it's nothing more than your ds could use a few playdates to find friends and feel comfy.
Now, this year in 4th grade. He is doing horrible. He is shy. He is small for his age. The other kids (there are only 14 in the class) completely ostracize him.
First thing to do here - if he's being ostracized in school, you need to change something up before it impacts his self-esteem. Is it a situation that you think you can address through the school setting? Is there only one class per grade or is there another class he can switch into?
Second thing - he's continuing to have social challenges, and it sounds like you don't have enough knowledge of what's up to know what the challenges are. I would talk to his teacher (if you haven't) and perhaps observe in class. Talk to your ds as well.
One Mom approached me at pickup today, after she had substituted. We are very friendly and have met for coffee, that sort of thing. She said, "there is something wrong with your son socially." Have you had him checked out. She goes, I know this will be hard for you to hear, but he is obviously smart and I think he shows it too much and it is making him look like he is bragging. I think the other kids probably don't like him because he is showy about what he knows.
My first reaction to this was, how can a substitute teacher jump to that conclusion after one day in the classroom? But then I realized, I think this is a mom of another student in his class - is that right? In that case, she has more than one day of experience to make the observation from, as well as (perhaps) hearing about your ds from her child's perspective. To her credit, this mom realizes your ds is smart. If she's an experienced teacher, she'll have been around a lot of other children over the years, and she must have some kind of credibility re her observation that a student is bragging or showing off in a way that other children will react negatively too. While her comments must have stung, I wouldn't discount them. They may not be 100% accurate, but there must be something in them to have motivated her to talk to you about it.
Personally, I don't think this is an accurate description of my shy kid. He never raises his hand in class. He already feels so different, he doesn't try to show off.
He probably isn't trying to show off, but you've said he has a history of social challenges. He may be coming across as bragging even if it's not what his intent is, and even if he's shy.
But, he is having a terrible year socially. I feel like he is growing depressed.
If you're seeing signs of depression, it's time to get to the root of what's up. Our 2e ds was diagnosed at the end of 2nd grade - not because we realized he has a learning disability (which he does) but because he became so anxious he was on the brink of depression. We had *no* idea that his anxiety was rooted in a disability that was playing out at school - but once we found out what was *really* going on with him, we were able to make accommodations at school and his anxiety lifted and his life was *soooo* so much better - because he could relax and be a kid again.
What do I do? Should I go back to the public school to eat my humble pie because as boring as it was; they weren't mean. Should I move him back a year? Right now, he is blowing through 4th grade material.
I wouldn't do anything about the school situation yet (other than possibly requesting a transfer to a same-grade but different classroom at his current school). Before you change up school for him again, I think you need to have a better understanding of what's going on with the social challenges. My first step would be a neuropsych eval.
And, it seems like everyone resents my kid and me for the skip.
They probably feel less resentful than you are imagining. Think about it from a different perspective - suppose the child who lives next door got an electronic drive-yourself around the block brand-spanking-new shiny car that your ds wants really really badly but you can't afford. You might be jealous for a short period of time or you might resent them having the ability to buy it for their ds for a short period of time... but before long you're going to be back immersed in your own life and your own ds and you really aren't going to lose much sleep over what's going on in other people's lives. Some parents might have briefly resented it, but most parents are far too busy with their own lives to really spend much time thinking about other people's children
You should know I'm generally quiet myself. I've avoided talking about the skip or my son's "smarts" because I don't want to upset people. yet, this lady approached me today in a tizzy.
I guess I see "this lady" as more than just your typical mom of another child in class - she's a teacher who has observed other children. Maybe she approached you because she cares about your child? I am not a "real" teacher but I have taught Sunday School classes for years. One year I had a child in my class who complained of his hand hurting so much he couldn't write. To any typical person in the world that might sound like a child looking for an excuse, but I have a ds with dysgraphia, so I paid attention, I asked him some questions, and I realized over time that this child also most likely was dysgraphic, and I suspected his mom had no clue. It actually took quite a lot of courage for me to approach the mom and ask if she'd ever heard of dysgraphia and to let her know I thought I'd seen some of the signs when working with her son. It's really not easy approaching another parent (especially a parent whom you've had a friendly relationship with) and letting them know you think their child might need help. Chances are that she said what she did because she genuinely cares about your child.
I'm feeling a bit hopelessly depressed myself.
I hope what I said didn't sound harsh - that wasn't my intent. I hope you can be gentle with yourself and not worry too much - there are quite a few of us here who's children have had challenges with school and with social issues - and while things can be tough at times, they can also be wonderful at other times. It sounds like you've had worries over social issues building up over several years - maybe taking a step forward to understand it better will help you feel better too.
Best wishes,
polarbear
