Pru,
Perfectionism? yes, that is a pretty standard issue for gifted kids/adults.
Sometimes I think in school where everything is marked and graded, it is not ok to be wrong. you must get things correct. in school. (in life) sigh.
How does your DD perceive what would happen if she was wrong? What would it mean to her? How does being wrong make her feel? I think you really get it. You are on the mark on the issues about this. And yes, noticing there are many other gifted high-achieving able students to compare with, could make the "self" feel less valuable/worthy(?)
Perhaps consider going around it a different way. As a coach, someone alongside her. Tell her how you feel when you're wrong about something. What did you realize about being wrong. How did that make you a better person. How often are you wrong... etc etc How ok is it to be wrong?
Going directly against her will mostly make her feel extremely defensive, as you already know. You don't want it to be mom is always right and she is always wrong -- as the thing she remembers going into her teenage years.
How to have her feel less defensive about it? How to help her feel ok about being wrong? Start small... (?)
Looking fwd to reading more replies on this topic as I don't really know how to deal with it either --
Love polarbear's idea
I don't think permissive parenting per se is the actual issue. These children (and many adults) have very serious perfectionism issues. What you're seeing are symptoms of it -- the need to be right, accurate, correct. What is the underlying thinking process inside the person -- and to change and adjust the self-thinking involved there -- that is what is more important.
More important than just butting heads with a child who doesn't know and doesn't know how to manage their own perfectionism. It isn't about the mom/parents always being right and making sure the kid knows who is in charge. (Not saying you're doing that Pru/polarbear.)
That's enough from me.
