Orson, for testers you might check out
http://www.aspergersyndrome.org . In our experience testers who really know autism and have seen a lot of kids do better coping with the gifted part than vice versa anyway.
There is also a nice parent forum there-- very worthwhile.
Regarding schools: private schools are allowed to discriminate. And they are right in thinking that they are probably not equipped for the challenge of educating your child-- their teachers are usually less qualified and less experienced, they do not usually have special ed teachers on staff, nor do they normally provide the ancillary services a kid on the spectrum typically needs.
Not that it's nice for you to have no options, but you can see that many private schools are not going to be a better fit than even a modest public school-- the parents who are paying a lot to educate their kids don't want kids like yours (and mine) in there, and those parents would complain and get your kid kicked out, so it's better to just not start with that. There are private schools that help kids with AS flower, but they are the exception rather than the rule.
I agree with you about gifted programs; they tend to be very exclusive and want children with a perfect behavior record. We have found this too. I sympathize completely.
Our best moment was when our public school realized DS will *behave better* (less disruptive, more sociable) if he gets all the gifted services he needs, including advanced content. That was a real game-changer. Has your advocate worked on the gifted stuff, or just the IEP itself?
Best wishes,
DeeDee
