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Hello. My daughter is 3 years and 8 months old.

She is very stubborn, strong willed and bossy.

If she does not like a particular situation, person, group, etc, she expects everyone to conform to what she wants.

Examples:
At a tumbling class, her peers were hopping around in a circle to music. She refused to join in because she didn't like the music.

In a large group of people, if she does not know or like 1 or 2 people, she will avoid the entire group.

She seems rather quick to judge whether she likes someone or not. The "first impression" is either yes or no.

Is there a positive side to being stubborn and bossy? Please share your thoughts. THANKS.

Sharona

I think that what you describe are temperment traits that are seperate from giftedness. Although, being gifted might amplify the traits.

In the book Raising Your Spirited Child Rev Ed: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, DR. Kurcinka addresses your very questions. I recommend this book to everyone, even if they don't think they have a "spirited child".

I hope this helps and am sorry my response is so sparse, I'm seem to be running on half a tank, today.

M.

Sharona, it's Hoosier again!! I have to laugh because I've been interested in the threads you've started because they are the same issues I'm having with my DD. It's nice to know there's someone out there just like our family with crazy children. And I do mean "crazy" in the most heart-felt way imaginable.

My DD is also bossy. She tells her playmates what to do all of the time, unless she's greatly out-numbered with unfamiliar people. She even tries to tell me what to do: "Don't you look at me, Mommy!" Sigh!!

I think these kinds of kids are harder to manage, but my hope is that her strong will and independence will help keep her out of trouble as she grows into adolescence. Hopefully DD will have the guts to stand up to a group of people or a friend when they present her with drugs or alcohol, or a pushy boyfriend wanting to have sex, etc. That's the positive side I see to this.

But for now, it's just exhausting.

-- Hoosier

Choices can help. Just be sure to limit it to two choices that you can live with. But I had a much easier time with my pushy drama queen son when I let him take more control in his life, and the need for it hit around age 3, so there you go.

I think you're smart to think about it in terms of the big picture, too, HM. Longterm, these can be really good qualities for a person to possess. It's more a matter of channeling them into productivity than anything else.

(Said the very bossy child who grew up to be a bossy adult...)

DS12's favorite words when he was DS2 were:
Me Do!
Me Do!
Me Do!

I found that if I slowed down and thought before I said 'no' then very often I could avoid lots of arguments.

As far as being the boss with others, I think it's ok to say:
We use kind words, if we don't use kind words then we go home

...and do.

As I remember my kid was throwing rocks at others at age 2, so perhaps being verbally pushy isn't such a bad thing.

Also, try not to feel like a faliure if she has a tantrum when she doesn't get her way. It's a release of frustration, no more no less, until people around her start caving in and changing their behavior.

I love the above suggestions, and will reccomend the books here:
http://www.researchpress.com/product/item/4628/
'I can problem solve.' I read it too late to be of much use, I'm thinking that for gifted kids, age 2 or 3 might be just perfect. Please let me know, as I've been itching with curiosity ever since.

Best Wishes,
Grinity

I think you are talking about a choleric temperment. Our DS13 is also a choleric - very quick to judge, a natural leader, always has an opinion, etc. A fun and easy to read book on temperments is: Personality Plus by Florence Litauer. She discusses the four main personality temperments, and also describes the positive and negative sides of each. Certainly, no one is specifically one temperment, but it sounds like your DD is definitely a strong choleric. The trick is to find out how to nurture those positive qualities and how to best deal with, address, and recognize the best ways to approach her.

Also, I completely agree that when you're dealing with a gifted child, everything (it seems) is going to be more intense - including demonstration of personality.

I recall our DS13 when he was DS2 declaring loudly when we were buckling him into his carseat, "No! It's MY do it!" That became a familiar mantra. Today, we all repeat it for fun and to relieve tension when we (in our family) demonstrate stubborn tendencies to accomplish something without help - even when help may be warranted.

Today, DS13 is an incredibly kind, thoughtful young man. He is still a choleric, but has really come to understand that there are other ways of seeing things - and he is respectful of others, even if he doesn't completely understand their approach/attitudes. He has grown into a person with amazing leadership skills - because he is thoughtful of others. We found that through the years the best approach was to treat him respectfully including explaining the reasons why certain approaches may not be met with appreciation!

Interestingly, about a year ago, DS-then-12 and DD-then-9 were having a discussion in the livingroom as I happened to walk by. I overheard this: "I'm sorry, but because of my personality traits, I felt it important to make my point clear." "I understand. But because of my personality temperment, when you expressed yourself in the way you did, it made me feel judged." The two of them went on to describe their own feelings, all the while being respectful of the other's. When the conversation was through, they were not only still best of friends, but also felt heard and better understood, and I continued on through the back of the room without ever being noticed! These kids - they sure do teach us a lot!!

Anyway, I feel like you've received some great advice and some great recommendations for books. Isn't it wonderful that we have this place to share our thoughts, ideas, and experiences with each other?!

Best of luck!