Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Should I 'hold back' my son from preschool?

Hi, everyone -
My DS is 4 and has late August birthday. He is enrolled in a private gifted school that has two preschool levels. One is for 3/4 year olds, the other is for 4/5 year olds. The school also has a K-6 that most of the preschoolers eventually go to. Entrance is based on screening/iq tests in the 95th percentile minimum.

My son is very bright, but also immature socially. He has been reading since age 2 to give some gauge of his intellectual ability. He is difficult to manage in a classroom because he is stubborn and doesn't like to follow instructions if he has his own idea about what he wants to do. Getting him to sit in circle time, for example, is next to impossible.

So he's been in this new school now for two weeks or so. The teacher has contacted me and said he is the youngest in his class, and she feels he might fit in better with the younger group (the 3/4). This all would have the snowball effect of delaying his entrance to kindergarden until he is 6 (he would have just turned six around the week classes start).

Is this redshirting? I've heard many with son and a summer birthday redshirt... but is that wise for a gifted kid? The teacher says they would differentiate the curriculum to keep him challenged, but he would be with a more appropriate peer group if he is held back.

I should also mention that his fine motor skills seem well behind his peers in the 4/5 class. Some kids in the class are also more than a year older than him.

So... redshirting gifted kids?? Does it make sense? I'm meeting with the teacher next week and I'm trying to get my head around the idea. Thanks!

That's a tough one. I will start out with being upfront that I have two children, girls though, with bds around that time or a month later who I did start in K right when they were turning five. We didn't have any fine motor concerns, though, either.

I do wonder if his stubbornness might be more related to giftedness than immaturity. Do you have any reason to believe that he might be *more* gifted than the typical kid in his school? Also, do you plan to keep him in this private school all the way through elementary? If not, I would take a look at how well the school you would likely later send him to would do in terms of differentiation if he was both one of the oldest and much brighter than the other kids in his grade.

Is there any possibility of putting him with the 3/4 class this year and seeing how it goes with the option to skip the 4/5 pre-K to enter K "on time" if his social maturity and motor skills catch up this year?

Thanks so much for your response. I've been back and forth so much on this issue all morning. I think I'm going a bit nuts.

The stubbornness - I don't know if that is related to the giftedness or just part of his personality. He can be very focused and very specific about what he wants and how he wants to do something. It can make him difficult at times, for sure. We started using this "system" called 1-2-3 magic that has really worked well with him for discipline at home. So his behavior is now pretty good at home, but still a challenge outside of home. But he is quickly growing up and I see his behavior improving all the time.

You know, he is so young... it is really hard to say just "how gifted" he is. His pediatrician and a psychologist have both told us that he is exceptionally intelligent. He had to take a brief ESP screening to qualify for this school, and we were told he hit the score ceiling. So, yes, it is possible he is more gifted than the average kid at this school (who are all supposed to be gifted) but he is so young it's really hard to say.

You've given me same great ideas for questions. If he was held back to the 3/4 room, how would they accommodate him? And might he skip 4/5 and go straight to K next year? Great questions!

We do plan to keep him at this school if we like it. Since we are a new family, we haven't fully formed our opinions on the place yet. That is another concern I have. If we decided we didn't like the school or it isn't worth the price tag and we wanted to move him to public school, I hate to think of him being a year behind where he should be.

At this age and at this time, I am not really worried about his academics. I want him to learn how to have a positive experience in school, make friends, learn to follow instructions. Academically and intellectually - well, he's only just turned four and plus he learns a lot on his own and enjoys pursuing his own interests (like his space obsession).

So while 3/4 might work OK for this school year, I just worry about how this decision will impact him next year, or 4 years from now... KWIM? Also he absolutely loves his class, his teachers, his friends. He seems so excited about all of it. I'd hate to put out that fire by sending him to another class where he may or may not be as enthusiastic.

Sorry to babble so much. My husband and I are just really struggling with how to think about this.

Yes.

Unfortunately, this is likely to be a very large gap (social vs. intellectual) given your description-- and it may widen further or blaze into complete resistance to all directives. (I have a very stubborn/willful child whose preferred protest is this latter method, precisely.)

I hate to say this, but such children are often not possible to accommodate in a formal school setting until they are a bit older and have some of the rudiments of social maturity. (About 7-8yo, barring other considerations.)

This is a huge part of why we wound up homeschooling.

I don't know that I'd redshirt, because that may make the academic side so intolerable that your DS will earn the label (and adopt it as part of his self-image, too) that he's a "behavior problem" in the classroom, and that's who he is as a student.

On the flip side, opting for the acceleration can mean that he compares himself unfairly to a peer group that has greater maturity and fine motor development. The latter has been a problem for my DD.

Truthfully, both things have been a problem for my daughter. The former would have been far, far, far worse if we hadn't done the acceleration, though. The gap between DD and agemates has widened very significantly, and the greatest change occurred between four and eight years of age-- since then, her intellectual rate of development has slowed somewhat and her other areas of development have been 'catching up' to her intellectual peer group.

That's an individual thing, and not one that can be readily predicted. At three, we'd have predicted that a one year acceleration would be "fine" for her on all counts. We'd have been wrong.

Luckily our DS6 has a December birthday or we would've faced a similar crunch with fine motor and sitting still. In pre-school he was the kid wandering around, but it was due to curiousity and a lack of interest in stories well behind his interests. He still prefers the company of older children.

So, if my DS had had a different birthday I'd have wondered:
Will he get along better with the younger kids?
Will the younger class be focusing on specific skill building for fine motor control or is this just biding time?
When he reaches K, will there be acceleration throughout the year or is it just overall an advanced class? i.e. is there an increased chance he'll be bored in K.

Our eldest was on the bubble as well, late August birthday, we were dealing with a public school system though, on the other hand, at least we knew the school system exceedingly well.

Our eldest was exceedingly mature. Our biggest concerns was that by red-shirting him it would drive him nuts (as it already did) being around even less mature students AND that he'd be differentiated for. We decided to red-shirt him as we could pretty well assure he'd be reasonably differentiated for and if not we could supplement it at home. The issue of being around other kids of less maturity continued to bother him, however, subject acceleration at least gave him a chance to be around older kids a couple of classes a day. In the end I think we made the right decision. He was somewhat of the peanut of the class had he not red-shirted.

In your situation, if your son's maturity level and stubborness seem to be the issues....and if you're confident that even with red-shirting him he'll be properly differentiated for, then I'd encourage you to do so. I fail to see the draw back. Another year at home will give him time to mature, time for the family to address the issues at hand for a year at home, and it's never fun going through school as the "runt" of your class. There are enough issues raising a GT child without fighting the physical factor too IMO.

My experience is not with a private gifted school, so results may vary, but my DD has spent over two years now dealing with two different schools who talk a good game about differentiation, but putting it into practice with any kind of consistency seems beyond them. So my advice would be to put the screws to the school to prove their words before entertaining the idea of redshirting. If you can, sit in on a class and see if there's anything resembling differentiation actually happening, because if this is truly a school for the gifted, your son should not be the only one there dealing with this.

Thanks for all the great points. It really helps to hear from other parents. One moment, I think I am worrying to much about this because he is really just a baby. He's only just turned four, afterall, why worry so much about a school decision! But then, on the other hand, I see how this decision could have far-reaching implications for all his years ahead. Will he be the youngest in a class or the oldest? As it stands, in the 4/5 class there are children that are more than a year older than him (evidently with parents who elected to "redshirt")

I just want him to have a positive experience. One point that really struck me was about his classmates. He really has no interest in younger kids (with the exception of his little sister and the novelty of babies). In the neighborhood, all of his friends are all 5, 6, or 7 seven years old. He has no interest in the kids that are 4 and younger. This is a point I will certainly bring up with his teacher when we meet.

He is actually above average in height, so he doesn't stick out as young in his classroom size-wise... but he does in demeanor.

My husband and I are a little skeptical of the school, but I think we might be confusing skepticism with resistance to paying a large tuition bill! I do believe they mean it when they say they differentiate. I know, for example, that there are usually at least one or two six graders every year that take calculus. I don't know what, exactly, differentiation looks like in the lower grades and especially in the preschool years, though.

His teacher has been teaching gifted kids for 20 years, has a masters degree in gifted education, etc. etc. So we will definitely be open to hearing what she recommends.

I know we should follow our instincts here, as parents - but for some reason we just aren't getting a strong gut instinct on this one. Perhaps that means it would work out OK either way...

I have to admit, part of me is thinking "OK, if you are going to hold him back a year, why send him to a gifted school?? Perhaps he'd do fine in the public schools, but while staying the youngest in the class." Of course, they have made it clear that his intellect isn't the issue. It's the stubborness, the poor fine motor skills, and (I'm assuming here) the general restlessness.

Thanks again, everyone! I'd love to hear any more experiences or opinions on this.

I feel your pain. My ds' birthday JUST miss the cut-off last year for K. We could have put him in a private school K, but we were worried about maturity also. Now he just started K as one the older ones...he is definitely one of the most mature and taking on a leadership role BUT he is bored out of his gourd with the work (and has already surpassed any goals for the year academically). BUT in reviewing the first grade curriculum -he has met most of the first grade goals too (his handwriting would be a problem for 2nd grade AND he would be the youngest by 2 or more years). Sigh. I have this icky feeling we may have to go private or homeschool eventually.

That's a painful experience of ours too, they know all the phrases to paint a pretty picture, practice though being severely lacking.