Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Overgrown Moral Compasses

My DS5yrs is having a rough time in school. He's in a better school now, but we want to prevent a repeat of last year, when the school literally asked us to doctor-shop to get a behavioral diagnosis for him. (everyone else agrees he's sweet as honey, desperately social, and runs mostly on hugs -- but no-one would ever argue he's not strong-willed.)

Our feeling is that he was genuinely uncomfortable in school and was acting out in a 4 yr old version of social activism. He was very *effective* in his protests, not only in producing situations the school had to respond to at significant cost (the principle of a 1000+ student school was regularly sitting with him for extended periods of time in whatever location he refused to leave), but also in obtaining the solidarity of the other Kindergartners. It says so on his report card. [giggle]

OK, that's the background. On to the foreground.

There was a bit of a thing about water. DS felt *morally* wronged when he was asked to sit down and wait till after circle time to get a drink of water. He knew he was supposed to listen, so he engaged in passive resistance (he does this)... he stood in circle time. Later in the day, he was asked to approach the teacher to discuss the event. He refused to discuss it. As he tells it, he was ashamed of this behavior, but felt stuck because he did not intend to back down from his previous stance that he should have been able to get water when he was thirsty. In any case, because he wasn't willing to address the issue later, we got a note home telling us what happened, and asking for advice.

The teachers' version and his are identical. For a five year old, I'm impressed by my kid's reporting skills. After the last school, I'm impressed by the teachers' honesty. All this good reporting gives us a much better sense of what's really going on.


I already wrote the teachers back, but I figured people on here would have more than a few anecdotes and experiences to share & I'd love to hear everyone's opinions and ideas, because I really *like* that he has such a strong sense of morality, but sometimes you gotta wait, dude... and I really want to
a) support the school in teaching him how to be part of a group
b) support his right to define his own morals
c) help him develop his morals and manage his strong feelings about moral issues (I think passive resistance is pretty good, really, but... maybe ratchet up the bar for full-on protest a lil, kid!)

I think it may be good to have a discussion with him about immediate needs and order as BEING moral issues.

Could you frame it to him that part of everyone getting what they need is sacrificing non-immediate needs and wants so that others are not distracted by his want to get water? If you are able to shift the center of the discussion from him, to others, you are allowing him to see the moral side of waiting to get a drink.

you can also differentiate between emergent needs (someone's hurt or toilet emergency) and non-emergent needs (wanting a drink and being a little hungry).

by doing so, you are helping him develop his sense of justice using others as a lens, in addition to himself.

Kids at that age do not understand the difference between a need and a want. Being able to run to the toilet without permission because there was a toilet emergency would be categorized as a need. Wanting to go home in K because the child is not feeling good (tummy hurt, sleepy etc) is a need, in my opinion.
Things like wanting everyone to be absolutely quiet at circle time (my son used to be very annoyed at all the chattering kids and start trying to mange the crowd himself), needing to stretch, wanting a drink of water can usually wait - circle time is usually 15 minutes in his school and we even taught him to watch the clock so that he would not feel like he was waiting for an eternity (it feels like that to 5 year olds) and feel helpless.
I would encourage him to wait if there was no emergency. Recess and snack time are usually a good time to go to eat, drink water or to make a bathroom trip.

In order to support the teacher, you can tell him that the teacher has some class room rules and they have to be followed in order for all involved to accomplish what they have set out to do. Emphasis on how rules are made for the general wellbeing of everyone would make him think on the lines of co-operating rather than questioning the rules. Also assure him that rules are not rigid and that they evolve and the teachers can and will review them as needed The teachers and rules are there to ensure the welfare of all the kids and knowing that will give him a different perspective.

Also tell him that it is OK to take his feelings of being wronged to the teacher and discuss them with her - because she would not understand that he felt that way unless he talked to her. This also teaches him that in a democratic setting he can speak up when he feels wronged and he has freedom of speech, but he also needs to wait for the appropriate time (after circle time) to be heard.

I fully agree with AAC and Ashley. In addition, what about explaining to him that certain "wrongs" are more important than others and that maybe it would be a good idea to pick his battles? You could explain that needing a drink of water right away may be less important than watching a child be bullied, for instance. Yes, you want to allow him to define his own morals, but you can still have open discussions with him about what sort of moral compass he might want.

And you may also want to suggest that if he was ashamed of his behaviour, the best thing to do would be to admit to it and apologize. It will be a rough road ahead if he stands his ground in every battle (great or small), especially after he regrets a choice he made.

You will need to work with him on prioritising things (maybe a 1 to 10 scale) or he will exhaust himself. To be honest I don't think drinking the minute you want to is a right when it would inconvenience others - but going to the toilet is at that age. One would be a 2 and the other an 8 maybe?

Drinking the minute you want is *not* a right under the circumstances, though it's easy enough to see where he's coming from.

Thanks for all the advice... I think this is going to be a very long road, but the school so far seems much more willing to be helpful than the old one.