Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Do you help with homework?

DD is 7 and attends a gifted magnet school where expectations are fairly high, but by no means too high. The school does have a lot of homework (IMO, too much). We have had an increasing number of homework battles where she is either not following directions (wandering off- topic with writing, not following the prompts) or unwilling to buckle down to a math problem she finds scary because she doesn't know how to approach it. I feel torn because my understanding is that helping with and supervising homework is key to student success, yet the battles we are fighting seem counterproductive.

We had a conference with her teacher today. DD is exceeding expectations and has the equivalent of straight As in everything. The teacher basically advised me to back off and not help with or supervise homework much anymore.

I like the idea because it sounds easier for me, but it feels kind of like slacking or failing to do my part as the parent or something. Though we do battle at times, at other times I feel like I am genuinely helpful. Thoughts? What do others do?

I would let her do her homework on her own, even if she gets lower marks-- and even if that were an issue. Self-reliance when doing challenging work is important. The only help I'd give is in general encouragement, helping her schedule her time (DS is big on picking when he does his homework), perhaps giving occasional extra rewards for doing a great job or just working extra hard without complaint, etc.

DD seems to be performing extremely well, so there are certainly opportunities for her to make mistakes without crushing her self-perception. And since we learn so much more from our failures than our successes, I'd say the teacher's advice is sound. Let her write it wrong.

Besides, your relationship with DD is more important than a letter grade, so if this removes a source of contention, you both win.

I must say, I have many contradictory feelings about this! Part of me says "Good--backing off is what I wanted to do, but felt like I wasn't 'supposed' to" and part of me feels like DD can benefit from the one on one help she can get from me that isn't necessarily available in the classroom, especially when she is performing well above the standard and is likely to be considered "fine and great" in all areas. I've seen some work from her recently that is well below what she can do, but it's "fine" and she knows she will do "fine." I worry about that pattern getting stronger if no one expects more of her.

Then again, she is pretty self-motivated and is only 7...then again...then again...

(sigh)

I personally don't help with homework unless I'm asked. I do tend to look over math worksheets, because my DD8 is the kid who doesn't read directions or look at signs, so she could easily do an entire problem set completely wrong. But I try to limit my feedback to "You're doing those problems wrong. Read the directions and look at the signs," unless she asks for more help than that. (DD and I are also too similar, and we butt heads over perceived corrections. Explanations provided upon request generally work for us.)

FWIW, my DD has turned in several open-ended assignments where I felt she was both off-topic and not following the prompts, for which she got full credit. Teacher perspective is different than parent perspective.

Yes, DD can be like this, also. She also skips problems unintentionally or forgets to show work because she's moving too fast. So yeah, I don't know if I should just let her turn stuff like that in and learn from it or if I am "supposed" to make sure she doesn't do stuff like that. She is my oldest and this is our first year with any "real" homework, so I still feel like a novice here.

Plus, I actually work in the family and social science field, and have read umpteen papers about the importance of parental involvement in schoolwork and parental help with homework. I guess most of those papers are not about "my" kid, but when you read that over and over....

I helped my son with homework for the first couple of weeks of school. Their writing work is actually pretty fantastic: on day one they have to read a chapter in their book, then write a very short summary of the chapter, and choose one thing that happened that reminded them of something that happened to them and explain. Day two they have to read another chapter and then briefly explain what happened in the beginning, middle and end of the chapter. Day three they read the next chapter then have to do a venn diagram of a character/them. Day four they have to read another chapter then do a longer summary.

My son had a lot of trouble with summarizing things. He would want to recount the entire chapter! So we would sit and talk that through the first few weeks. He's gotten a lot better at it now.

I should mention that she does DO the homework on her own, unless she asks for help, but then I check it, and that's usually where the problems are. With math: "But that's right! I don't KNOW how ELSE to do it!" With writing: "I don't care. It's fine. I want to hand it in like this."

Well, don't look at it as if you're abandoning your parental duty to help with homework, because you're not. As long as you're still available to help when needed, and DD knows she can come to you any time, you're still providing what she needs.

But more importantly, you're also providing DD with the independence she needs to tackle problems on her own.

I think it is harder parenting skill to back off and watch them struggle or make mistakes on their own. Stop looking at it as 'slacking'... I know in my case that it would be twice as hard on me to stand back.

At our house, homework is always a struggle and a fight. DD's medication is well worn off and her attention is non-existant. She detests math and is very vocal about it through every exercise she does. She needs constant encouragement/threats/prompts to stay on task. I have to push her to add details to her writing assignments and to always try her best. She says that she is happy with messy, half-finished work but when she gets a poor mark then she is upset and guilt-ridden. We are trying to find the happy medium between being entwined in the homework fight and standing back and letting her flounder on her own.